As a seasoned film critic with a heart full of holiday cheer, I must confess that “Red One” left me feeling more like a lump of coal than a jolly old elf. With a career spanning decades and countless cinematic masterpieces under my belt, I’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly in Christmas films. And let me tell you, dear reader, “Red One” falls squarely into the latter category.
As a diehard movie enthusiast, I must express my bafflement over “Red One,” a seemingly ambitious 2024 Christmas-action-adventure-comedy-wannabe blockbuster that somehow graced the big screen instead of streaming platforms, if it truly belongs anywhere at all. This peculiar production, hard to label as a film at this stage, chronicles the adventures of the muscular and formidable bodyguard, Callum Drift (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson), who is decked out in snug, muted green-and-red leather attire. The extraordinary client of our action hero? None other than the iconic Santa Claus himself (portrayed by J.K. Simmons, renowned for voicing the character in the 2019 animated film “Klaus”).
In the reimagined North Pole portrayed in “Red One,” everything has become excessively high-tech and gaudy, turning it into a draconian Amazon warehouse rather than a magical winter landscape. Tragically, terrorists manage to infiltrate the hidden workshop just days before Christmas Eve and abduct Santa. The only clue that The Rock possesses is the suspicious involvement of the infamous hacker, burglar, and chronic naughty list resident Jack O’Malley, alias “The Wolf” (played by Chris Evans in a lower profile role). With time running out before Christmas is spoiled, it falls upon The Rock and Jack to collaborate and track down Santa before it’s too late!
If you find what I’m saying seems silly…well, it probably is. But brace yourself as we delve into the most absurd moments from the disastrous box-office performance of Dwayne Johnson and Chris Evans’ film. So here we go, strap in for a ride that could be rated five times naughty!
Warning: spoilers below!
Santa Claus gets a military escort
As a gamer diving into this movie, it doesn’t take long for things to get interesting when “Red One” veers off course. Kickstarting with a flashback, albeit an uneventful one showing Chris Evans as a mischievous youngster, we’re swiftly transported to the current day. Here, The Rock is on duty, protecting Santa Claus at a bustling Philadelphia mall. Intriguingly, the real Santa decides to play the part of a mall Santa, creating a hint of “Miracle on 34th Street.” Despite some initial confusion about how Santa landed this job and why the mall accommodated his bodyguard as part of the deal, I’m hooked and ready for more!
Once Santa departs from the mall, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson summons a covert convoy of SUVs to secretly transport him to a U.S. military hangar. Inside this hangar, his iconic sleigh -– with oversized reindeer by my side -– is stationed next to some top-tier fighter aircraft. Later on, a U.S. military representative welcomes Santa and instructs two pilots to accompany his sleigh during takeoff. Eventually, though, Santa whispers a mystical incantation to the reindeer, and we zip off at breakneck speed towards the North Pole.
If Santa manages to travel at such high speeds (one explanation for his ability to deliver billions of gifts in a single night)… then why do planes exist? They can’t keep up with him for long, and when he accelerates, what human-made vehicle would be able to catch up to him?
World leaders know Santa exists?!
In the movie “Red One,” there exists a hidden, multinational government entity known as M.O.R.A, or Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority. This acronym is one of several used in the film that may cause discomfort. Santa, being a mythical figure, belongs to this organization. At some point, Zoe Harlow, the organization’s leader portrayed by Lucy Liu (who appears to be taking on roles less prestigious than Evans), informs The Rock that they might need to contact the President of the United States and other global leaders because there could be no Christmas celebration this year.
This raises numerous political implications. For instance, did Donald Trump ever learn about Santa Claus? And which global leaders are privy to this information? Does Putin know? Does Nicolas Maduro? Moreover, it seems improbable that the United States wouldn’t consider invading the North Pole given its unique economic system. Santa’s society appears Communist, as it operates without money and a formal government, providing goods for free. How could such an immediate, massive influx of goods impact the global economy, particularly one that is consumer-driven and capitalist?
It’s reasonable to assume that the U.S. doesn’t have knowledge about Santa Claus’ precise whereabouts since his sled surpasses fighter jet speed and is protected by a mystical invisible shield at the North Pole. Nevertheless, Jack O’Malley, a highly skilled hacker and tracker with a penchant for being bribed, could potentially be employed to find him. Given that the U.S. government might not be able to accomplish this task, why not hire Jack instead, as a villainous character would do?
Santa Claus condones torture?
One particularly disturbing sequence in the movie occurs when The Rock subjects Jack O’Malley to torture. This scene is problematic because its moral underpinnings go unquestioned. To establish the context, Jack was illegally apprehended by Director Harlow and her M.O.R.A. agents without a fair trial or warrant, and taken to the North Pole for questioning about his role in locating Santa. Instead of standard interrogation, this turns into what’s euphemistically referred to as “enhanced interrogation,” or torture. First, The Rock menaces Jack before instructing Agent Garcia, a large, intelligent polar bear, to physically crush Jack for the information he holds. We hear the sound of bones cracking and Jack’s cries of agony. Despite this, Harlow orders them to halt their actions, although it seems that such tactics are frequently employed.
A big problem is how this is all played for laughs. It’s riffing off of post-9/11 shows and movies –- such as “Zero Dark Thirty” (which got a lot wrong from the main story) and episodes of “24” -– which would portray torture as a necessary tool against terrorism. The supposed humor in “Red One,” then, comes from the incongruity of the gritty, hard-boiled set-up, contrasted with the whimsical Christmas movie aesthetics. The morality of The Rock or of Santa’s organization, however, is not meant to be questioned.
It’s problematic, considering the narrative centers around Santa preferring to reward good children rather than punishing bad ones. This is in stark contrast to the antagonist Grýla’s (Kiernan Shipka) intention to mete out punishment worldwide. Therefore, incorporating a scene that promotes retributive violence seems fundamentally at odds with this underlying theme.
E.L.F. (and other unnecessarily goofy) acronyms
As a dedicated gamer, let me share my thoughts about one scene in “Red One” that I found pretty awkward – characters delivering a series of over-the-top acronyms throughout the movie. To be fair, the initial one – M.O.R.A. – isn’t actually funny and seems to be an unsuccessful attempt at creating a cinematic universe for some holiday, which probably would have been a sort of big brother to Marvel’s S.H.I.E.L.D., Monarch, or Prodigium (yes, you might remember Prodigium from Universal’s aborted Dark Universe, but if not, that’s understandable). The humor here comes more from the schadenfreude directed at the studio’s apparent overconfidence.
Other acronyms, however, are clearly attempts at jokes (emphasis on “attempts”), like “N.L.” standing for “Naughty Lister” (Jack is explicitly said to be an “N.L. 4”). However, the worst “humorous” acronym has got to “E.L.F.,” which stands for “Enforcement, Logistics, and Fortification,” the organization with special agents in red-and-green “tacticool” leather outfits that protect Santa Claus and is headed by The Rock. He then somehow gets offended when Jack asks him if he’s an elf himself.
One might wonder, isn’t The Rock offended by this joke? Is he prejudiced? To make the “E.L.F.” acronym even more confusing, it seems that Santa’s elves, who are also present in this world, exist as well. Are they part of the “E.L.F.” team too? If so, how do they feel about their species being represented by the acronym? And again, why does The Rock appear to be discriminatory towards his cheerful Christmas coworkers? It’s hard to comprehend.
Rules of toy transforming gauntlet make no sense
In “Red One,” The Rock frequently uses a magical bracelet, which has the power to transform toys into tangible items. To give an example highlighted in promotional materials, The Rock changes a toy Matchbox car into a genuine, drivable sports car with this bracelet. Chris Evans’ character, Jack, jokes about using it on a Wonder Woman doll, but The Rock explains that it wouldn’t work on such a figure.
To be honest, I’m not bothered by the gadget itself, though it might seem a bit simple-minded. It could still provide some fun if used creatively. However, the real issue lies with the vague rules surrounding it. While we’re informed that it has restrictions, we’re never clearly told what these limitations are or the full extent of its abilities. I guess even Jack got the “stop asking questions” lecture from The Rock, hinting at the ambiguity in the gadget’s capabilities.
To clarify, what exactly qualifies as a toy? For instance, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson picks up a Monopoly board game yet does not interact with it. But could he potentially use a life-sized version of the hotel piece to subdue an adversary? Would such a structure be constructed from bricks and mortar or remain as colorful plastic? What about a NERF gun? If so, would the bullets transform into real, explosive missiles instead of foam projectiles?
Additionally, transforming a chicken keychain into a real bird is similar to how Jack’s hypothesis regarding the Wonder Woman doll might (regrettably) hold true, based on the explicit footage we see.
Toy store portals make less than no sense
In the whimsical Christmas setting of “Red One,” it’s odd how every toy store seems to possess magical transport systems that whisk people to other stores worldwide. Jack, somewhat bewildered, is informed by The Rock about this system serving as a travel network for Santa’s aides, and also where The Rock obtains his previously mentioned “supplies” or toys.
It appears there are numerous complications associated with the magical toy store portals, as one might expect. For instance, when the doors open, they disguise themselves as small storage closets, but what prevents an employee from grabbing a mop and inadvertently ending up in China or Finland? Additionally, what defines a toy store? Is it merely a shop that sells toys, or does it include large retailers like Walmart or Target, given they offer a vast array of toys, even though they don’t solely focus on them? Where exactly do we draw the line?
In essence, “Red One” might have had a quick scene where Dwayne Johnson (The Rock) utilizes a distinct key from his keychain to unlock toy store supply closets, and this key seems to be responsible for creating the portal rather than the toy store itself. But, even though it’s plausible that the magic is tied to the key, if that’s the case, wouldn’t The Rock be able to turn any door into a portal by using the same key? This still leaves an inconsistency in the plot.
No one seems to notice anything weird
The toy store portals and The Rock’s toy manipulation gauntlet both lead to one of the most annoying issues in any universe that relies on a secret magical world hidden away from the real one: How do you keep that world a secret for so long? It makes a certain amount of sense if the plot takes place entirely in the fantasy realm, or the fights in the real world are in remote places, or even if there’s some sort of handwave-y magical or sci-fi explanation for why people aren’t aware. However, “Red One” doesn’t do any of that; instead, we have The Rock transforming a toy car into a real one in the middle of a crowded city street with no one batting an eye and then having a bombastic fight with sentient snowmen on a busy beach that didn’t become headline news instantly.
In today’s world, where nearly everyone – from common folk to grandmothers – owns a smartphone capable of video recording, such incidents take on a new level of frustration. Initially, people might question the authenticity, but with various perspectives and sources, the truth would become apparent swiftly. Alternatively, speculation about conspiracies could arise instantly, regardless.
In an alternate scenario, it might have been part of the plot that the villain Grýla aimed to expose the mythical world to humans, instilling terror in them prior to her scheme to capture them. This twist would align with her power-hungry personality. Regrettably, this was not the case.
Villain’s plan was doomed from the start, and never would’ve succeeded anyway
Similar to many films in the Marvel Cinematic Universe that “Red One” appears to mimic, the primary focus and emotional heart of the movie revolves around the contentious dialogues between its two leads. Dwayne Johnson plays Santa’s stern and loyal soldier, while Jack O’Sullivan portrays a witty, self-serving ex-criminal turned anti-hero. As a result, their continuous banter makes up the majority of the film, leaving minimal space for other aspects, such as developing the story’s supposed villainess, Grýla.
In essence, her scheme is about producing countless enchanted snow globes, which she refers to as “glaskafigs.” These items would capture any individual who has ever committed even the slightest misdeed, essentially affecting everyone on Earth. Toward the climax of “Red One,” Jack witnesses his distant son Dylan (Wesley Kimmel) being ensnared within one of these glaskafigs. In a sequence of events that verge on absurdity, Jack also falls victim to the magical snow globe trap, ending up alongside his son in Grýla’s wicked domain.
After a quick, heartfelt chat with my son, Jack, the enchanted snow globe cages miraculously cracked and shattered, liberating us both. This revelation makes me wonder if Grýla’s magic could have sustained the imprisonment of billions for an extended period, given that even a momentary display of kindness could potentially lead to escapes. Frankly, a conventional prison system seems more practical and downright sinister in comparison.
How can Santa deliver presents everywhere?
To be honest, the practical challenges surrounding Santa Claus are a common theme in many beloved Christmas films featuring him. Questions like, “How does Santa manage to traverse the globe in just one night?” or “Why isn’t he ever spotted with our modern technology such as radar, sonar, cameras, cellphones, satellites, etc.?” arise. Does he have an invisible cloak? And, more crucially, do parents forget about gifts they didn’t purchase?
In many Christmas stories, the details of how Santa travels aren’t crucial, as they can be explained by saying “it’s because of Christmas magic.” This is perfectly fine since holiday movies are often simple tales with a touch of fantasy. A bit of whimsy in storytelling adds charm to the narrative from time to time.
The issue with “Red One” is we do see the logistics. It’s a big part of the final scene! Furthermore, one of the main plot points that gets the story in motion is Jack using satellite tech to track down and find Santa! So it answers a question no one was seriously asking, and the proceeds to answer it poorly. While Santa’s reindeer are appropriately fast, Santa himself simply parkours everywhere at only slightly above regular human speed once arriving. And, even though it’s established that tech can find him, he doesn’t do anything to hide himself outside of turning small. The only clever moment –- how he deals with chimney-less houses -– is ripped off from 1994’s “The Santa Clause”!
The North Pole is ugly and impractical
In the depiction of the North Pole in “Red One,” it’s more like an industrialized, red-and-green Amazon factory with a dystopian feel, rather than evoking images of warmth, Christmas, or Santa Claus. To make matters worse, The Rock pays a visit to Santa’s original, humble cabin, marked as historically significant, implying that this was where Santa started his toy-making journey. However, it seems that from these humble beginnings, Santa expanded his enterprise into something lavish and flashy – even incorporating flying drones into the mix.
This sort of capitalist hagiography, which galvanizes “great, self-made men,” has always been a lie, even if it’s constantly regurgitated in our mainstream media. Even Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, who many point to as a prototypical “self-made billionaire,” always fails to mention that he was given a loan from his family of over half a million dollars when accounting for inflation. That’s an amount of wealth most people -– even in the ’90s –- were not privy to. But seeing as Amazon MGM Studios is behind “Red One,” it’s no surprise that this plot point is shoved in.
It’s puzzling that there seems to be no significant economy or commercial activity at the North Pole. One might wonder then, what’s the purpose of continuous growth in such a setting? Could it be that the technology is being used for illicit activities like pirating video games, as suggested by “Vampire Assassins 4”? If this is the case, wouldn’t global leaders—who apparently have a relationship with Santa Claus—be concerned about intellectual property rights violations?
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2024-11-27 09:00