The Pope Must Diet!

by

The process of choosing a new pope following the demise of the current one is an intricate and meticulous affair. Typically, it’s the College of Cardinals who gather for this purpose, with the chosen individual becoming the bishop of Rome, also known as the pope. A significant regulation dictates that the electors must isolate themselves, referred to as being ‘locked in’ during the process until a decision has been reached. This rule was implemented after the lengthy election period from 1268 to 1271 to minimize political meddling.

Over time, Hollywood has delved into this specific topic multiple times, more recently being Edward Berger’s “Conclave”, starring Ralph Fiennes. Since Pope Francis passed away, the film has experienced a remarkable 283% increase in viewership, and for those seeking something similar with a dash of controversy, there’s a ’90s gem worth checking out – “The Pope Must Die!” (or “The Pope Must Diet!” in North America). This film navigates a contentious path, but it promises to have you laughing till you drop.

The Mafia Wants the New Pope Out of the Way in ‘The Pope Must Diet!’

As a passionate cinephile, I can’t help but share my delight in “The Pope Must Diet!”, a film that serves as a heartfelt, nostalgic ode to religion, wrapped in a unique cinematic experience. Director Peter Richardson masterfully blends vivid colors, witty humor, exquisite costumes, and authentic settings to create an visual feast for the senses. Moreover, the soundtrack, graced by Mike Sanchez and the Big Town Playboys, serenades us with melodies such as “Baby Please” and “In the Middle of the Night”, making this film a sonic pleasure too.

The comedy starts by presenting the unexpected demise of a Pope. As the conclave carries on, a decision remains elusive for 25 days until Albini (Janez Vajevec) is selected in his absence. It’s later revealed that Albini became the favored choice due to Cardinal Rocco (Alex Rocco), who was connected with the Mafia, persuading other electors that Albini was the ideal pick for the position. In reality, he aimed for a pawn in control, someone easily manipulated by the Cosa Nostra’s demands. To avoid any form of interrogation, Rocco misled the cardinals into believing that Albini was off pursuing environmental causes elsewhere. This film offers an unfiltered look at intense greed unfolding on sacred grounds.

However, an unexpected turn of events unfolds when Adrian Edmondson (Father Rookie), who has hearing difficulties, mistakenly records the new Pope’s name as Albinizi. It turns out that Albinizi is a forward-thinking priest with a passion for automobiles, attractive women, and rock music. Despite his love for these worldly pleasures, he excels in his role and has assisted countless members of his community. Consequently, he embraces the responsibility of leading the Catholic Church, taking on the title of Pope David I.

Upon assuming office, I found myself eagerly embarking on a mission to institute change, root out corruption, maintain transparency in Vatican finances, and reestablish humility within the church – a task that wasn’t met with much approval from my detractors like Rocco and his associates. After all, they didn’t appreciate a reformer at the helm, especially one who was determined to clean up the mess and restore the sanctity of this venerable institution.

It’s no surprise that Cardinal Rocco and crime lord Vittorio Corelli plot the assassination of the new Pope, aiming to reclaim the Vatican for themselves. At the same time, Sister Mary (Annette Crosbie), a formidable nun, develops a strong bond with the Pope, guiding him through the church’s treacherous waters. However, neither finds tranquility. Repeated assassination attempts ensue, each portrayed with comedic flair. But can the Pope endure when those in power seek his downfall? Troubles are set to escalate further because it is revealed that the Pope once had a child out of wedlock. Scandal!

‘The Pope Must Diet!’ Was Snubbed by the Media

With its tight writing and rich psychological depth, the less recognized “The Pope Must Diet!” elegantly blends elements of classic Italian crime films with the spirit of ’90s comedy classics. Although the church did not express offense upon its release, the media responded negatively. Initially intended as a three-part miniseries on Channel 4 in the UK, the project was unfortunately scrapped by the station following an uproar from the press.

Upon its completion, marketing posed a challenge as London Regional Transport (LRT) prohibited posters from being displayed on the London Underground. In America, many newspapers declined to feature the posters, and the major networks – CBS, NBC, and ABC – rejected airing television ads for the movie due to its allegedly sacrilegious tone, fearing that viewers might find it offensive.

A representative from CBS explained that the decision was made because the title and content were likely to be disrespectful to a large segment of their viewership, while NBC expressed concern that their viewers might find the ads blasphemous. Some other publications only showed advertisements following extensive censorship, but as the French would say, “Don’t panic!” The movie still performed well in its domestic market.

In light of the period’s more traditional values, the severe response to this work wasn’t unexpected. Just a few years prior, Martin Scorsese faced death threats for his movie “The Last Temptation of Christ“, necessitating him to secure full-time personal protection. This religious drama, adapted from Nikos Kazantzakis’ 1955 novel with the same title and known for its controversial portrayal, depicted Christ as being tempted and imagining himself participating in sexual activities. An Integralist Catholic group is also said to have torched the Saint Michel cinema in Paris while it was screening this film. Furthermore, there were global protests, culminating in the movie being prohibited in numerous countries.

‘The Pope Must Diet!’ Might Be Satirical, but It’s Rooted in Fact

The Pope Must Diet! would have been even more captivating if it was a suspenseful thriller starring one of the ’90s Hollywood stars, but despite occasional over-the-top humor, this fast-paced movie offers plenty to enjoy. The protagonist’s struggle to dodge assassination attempts while implementing reforms is delightful, and the film’s bold anti-church themes were unusually daring for its time. Remarkably, the director managed to express his message in such a way that it became as brave as it was skillfully crafted. What makes this movie even more intriguing is that it blends fact with fiction.

Under thorough questioning, director Peter Richardson and screenwriter Pete Richens might concede that their movie bore some resemblance to the Banco Ambrosiano scandal. This incident involved Italy’s second-largest private bank, which crumbled under a staggering debt of approximately $1.3 billion in 1982. The fall of this financial structure not only affected many blameless individuals but also those who were less than honest.

Initially, Roberto Calvi, often referred to as the “God’s Banker” because of his ties with the Vatican Bank, was found hanging under Blackfriars Bridge in London, suggesting a Mafia-style assassination. Subsequently, it was disclosed that the bank had extended illegal loans to various mafia-controlled corporations and anti-Communist political groups in Latin America. At that time, the Vatican Bank, led by Archbishop Paul Marcinkus, held a significant stake in the bank. Although the Vatican maintained its innocence, it unexpectedly paid around $200 million to Ambrosiano’s creditors as a token of goodwill.

This finding lent credence to the widespread belief that certain individuals within the Vatican had indeed formed ties with organized crime. Remarkably, a comparable scandal surfaced much later. In 2012, Vatican official Nunzio Scarano faced accusations of money laundering, while several others associated with the Vatican Bank were summoned for questioning.

Apart from the well-known incidents of mafia ties and assassination attempts against Pope John Paul II in 1981, it’s interesting to note that a similar accidental election occurred with Pope Albinizi (not his real name). This took place during the papal conclave of 1334 when Cardinal Jean-Raymond de Comminges was considered the favorite. However, Cardinal Jacques Fournier was not popular due to his lack of wealth and influence. In the first round of voting, unbeknownst to them, eleven out of sixteen electors cast their ballots for Fournier. They were trying to gauge how others were voting to adjust their own votes in the next round. The unique rule of papal conclave elections states that once a candidate achieves a majority vote, no extra rounds are allowed. As a result, Fournier unexpectedly became Pope Benedict XII.

Regarding the film “The Pope Must Diet!“, although it contains a couple of glaring flaws and some contentious perspectives, it is worth watching not only for its quality, but also for its educational value and the intricate ideas it explores. It may not possess the intensity or complexity of modern films depicting Vatican conspiracies, but it remains an engaging production with a crucial central message: any leader who fails to address corruption will be seen as part of that corruption. Unfortunately, no streaming service offers it at this time, but you can purchase a copy on Amazon and eBay.

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2025-05-04 00:38