32 Hilarious Amy Schumer Lines From Her Movies, TV Show And Stand-Up Specials

In my humble opinion as a devoted fan of Amy Schumer‘s work, her life experiences and comedic prowess are nothing short of extraordinary! She has an uncanny ability to tackle tough subjects with humor, making us laugh while also shedding light on societal issues that need addressing.

As a die-hard comedy fan, I’ve been laughing (and sometimes cringing) for two decades with Amy Schumer. Born and bred in NYC, she made waves as a stand-up comic after placing fourth on Last Comic Standing in 2007. From there, she graced series and roasts on Comedy Central, eventually creating the award-winning sketch comedy show Inside Amy Schumer. She won both a Peabody and an Emmy for it in 2015. This paved the way for a flourishing career of comedy films like Trainwreck and I Feel Pretty, TV shows such as the Hulu series Life & Beth, and, let’s not forget, stand-up specials like Live at the Apollo and The Leather Special. Throughout her journey, she’s served up countless side-splitting jokes — here are 32 of my favorites from Amy Schumer, ranging from painfully relatable to downright naughty.

“I’ve Been Getting Out Of That Spider-Man Costume. Did I Miss Anything? There’s, Like, A Different Vibe In Here.” – The 94th Annual Academy Awards

With comediennes Regina Hall and Wanda Sykes, Amy Schumer took on the role as host for the 2022 Oscars, an event marked by the infamous slap incident involving Will Smith. After that unexpected event, Schumer lightened the mood by returning to the stage and poking fun at missing the whole commotion since she was still trying to wriggle free from a tight-fitting superhero suit following a previous Spider-Man skit parody.

“Just In Case You’ve Never Been To LA, It Is Filled With The Most Beautiful People From All Over The World. Everyone Is Pretty There…People Don’t Even See Me There. They’re Like, “Is That A Fat Tumbleweed?” – Amy Schumer: Live At The Apollo

As a gamer, I’ve always admired Amy Schumer for her unique comedic style. Instead of relying on stereotypes or external beauty, she often uses self-deprecating humor to share stories about her own body image. Take, for instance, the joke in her 2015 stand-up special, Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo, where she compares beauty standards in Los Angeles and New York City. It’s this relatability that makes her jokes hit home.

“We Have No Idea What We’re Doing. We Have Some Books At Home And Every Week There’s A Terrifying Video Saying What’s Going On In The Baby’s Development. ‘This Week The Baby Is Growing Fur And Eating You From The Inside!” – Amy Schumer: Growing

In her 2019 Netflix comedy show titled “Growing,” Schumer spoke about her recent marriage to Chris Fischer and their upcoming son Gene. At the time of the performance, she was in her second trimester, which added an extra layer of humor to her concerns about motherhood.

“Nothing Good Ever Happens In A Blackout. I’ve Never Woken Up And Been Like, ‘What Is This Pilates Mat Doing Out?'” – Comedy Central Presents

Schumer frequently jokes about her partying image and exercise routine (or rather the absence of it), as seen in her debut Comedy Central Presents special that was broadcasted in April 2010, where she humorously tackles these topics head-on.

“I Have To Give It Up For My Mom. She Made Me So Confident. Like She Just Straight-Up Lied To Me As A Kid. It’s Tough To Stay Confident, As A Woman. You Turn On The TV, See All The Gorgeous Women. We Have To Compete With The Mother Of Dragons. What’s Her Name? Kris Jenner.” – Amy Schumer: Growing

In her comedy special titled “Growing”, Amy delved into her approaching motherhood, having given birth to a son named Gene with her husband Chris in May 2019. She also discussed her personal bond with her own mother and mentioned another significant maternal influence: the matriarch of the renowned Kardashian-Jenner family, Kris Jenner.

“I Like Smaller Teams, Like The…Not The Big Leagues. I Like The, Um, Long Island Mediums. The…The Acorn Pine Cones…The Orlando Blooms?” – Trainwreck

In the 2015 comedy “Trainwreck”, Schumer takes on the role of a journalist for a magazine who is assigned to write an article about sports doctor Aaron Conners (Bill Hader). During their initial encounter, Schumer’s character humorously admits her limited understanding of basketball teams.

“When You Get Into Your Late 30s, There’s No Dignity To It. It’s Like Me In A Grecian Gown With My Aging Cleavage Wearing A Coachella Flower Halo, Just Hoping I’m Not The Bridesmaid With The Biggest Arm.” – Amy Schumer: Growing

Participating in a wedding party can be quite a challenge due to escalating expenses and numerous duties, much like the comedic depiction in the film “Bridesmaids.” And if you’re a bridesmaid in your thirties, as jokingly mentioned by Schumer in her special, it can become even more of a struggle.

“I Made Out With A Homeless Guy By Accident. I Had No Idea. He Was Really Tan. He Had No Shoes On. I Just Thought It Was, Like, His Thang. I Was Like, ‘He’s Probably In A Band.’” – Comedy Central Presents

Senator Schumer doesn’t hesitate to openly discuss her vibrant love life, as she demonstrated during a 2010 episode of Comedy Central Presents, by sharing an anecdote about kissing a stranger on a park bench who turned out to be his bed.

“I’m Labeled A Sex Comic. Like In Interviews, People Are Always Like, ‘So, You Keep Talking About Sex.’ I Think It’s Just Because I’m A Girl. I Feel Like A Guy Could Get Up Here And Literally (Expose Himself) And Everybody Would Be Like, ‘He’s A Thinker!'” – Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo

Amy Schumer is recognized for her bold, frequently explicit humor, which she herself acknowledged during her first HBO stand-up special, “Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo“, in 2015. We particularly appreciate it when she’s both extremely funny and unapologetically dirty.

“No, I Only Sue Judd Apatow” – Only Murders in the Building

In the second season of “Only Murders in the Building,” Schumer took on a role where she portrayed an exaggerated version of herself who had recently moved into Sting’s former residence at the Arconia. She attempted to persuade Oliver (played by Martin Short) to transfer the rights for transforming the podcast into a TV show to her, but when Charles (Steve Martin) expressed reservations, she assured him that there wouldn’t be any legal complications—she only ever takes legal action against her renowned acquaintance, Judd Apatow, the director of “Trainwreck.

“In New York, I’m a Six — A Seven With All The Padding. But In Miami, I Was Like A Negative Three…I Was Like, ‘Beyonce Calls It Jelly.’ They Were Like, ‘That’s Cottage Cheese…Do Some Lunges.’” – Comedy Central Presents

Over time, Amy Schumer has been open about topics like body shaming and self-confidence, frequently using humor as a means to approach conversations about her own body image. In one of her Comedy Central Presents jokes, this comedian poked fun at the overly idealized beauty standards prevalent in Miami, a city known for its focus on appearance.

“I’m So In Love With My Boyfriend Right Now. Everything Is Perfect, But We Want Totally Different Things In Bed. Like, He’s Always Turning The Lights On, You Know What I’m Saying? And I Shut Them Off, And He turns Them On, And The Other Day, He’s Like, ‘Amy, Why Are You So Shy? You Know, You Have A Beautiful Body.’ I Was Like, ‘Oh My God, You’re So Cute. You Think I Don’t Want You To See Me?'” – Live At Gotham

Since Schumer often incorporates humorous self-criticisms about her appearance in her stand-up performances, this number from her show at New York’s renowned Gotham Comedy Club initially gives the impression that it will continue in the same vein of self-deprecation…until she unexpectedly shifts the focus onto her boyfriend.

“Marrying A Chef Is A Little On-The-Nose For Me. It’s Like Snoop Marrying Weed.” – Amy Schumer: Growing

In her 2019 Netflix comedy special titled “Growing,” Schumer incorporated numerous jokes about her husband Chris Fischer, who is both a chef and farmer from Martha’s Vineyard, Massachusetts. Since she openly admires food, Schumer humorously compared marrying a skilled cook to the notoriously laid-back rapper Snoop Dogg tying the knot with a distinct variety of produce.

“It’s Work (To Be A Woman). Guys Don’t Think That It’s Work, But It Is. You Think It Shows Up Like That To The Event? It Doesn’t. Every Night It’s Like Getting It Ready For Its First Quinceañera, Believe Me.” – Amy Schumer: Mostly Stuff

Back in 2012, during her stand-up special “Amy Schumer: Mostly Stuff,” I found myself laughing hysterically as she candidly shared a plethora of amusing anecdotes from her romantic and intimate experiences, even delving into the quirks of her personal grooming routines.

“I Went Home With This French Guy ‘Cause He Said Something Adorable, Like, ‘I Have An Apartment.'” – Amy Schumer: The Leather Special

In Amy Schumer’s 2017 stand-up special “Amy Schumer: The Leather Special,” exclusively on Netflix, she openly discusses and frankly jokes about her love life, sharing a flirtatiously explicit story involving a past lover from France.

“It’s Supposed To Be A Secret. Like The Second You Get It, Your Mom Says, ‘You’re A Woman Now… And That’s Disgusting. Never Let Anyone Know Of Your Filthy Secret.’” – Amy Schumer: Growing

In her Netflix special titled “Amy Schumer: Growing”, Amy Schumer discusses pregnancy extensively. However, she also delves into various aspects of female physical development, such as girlhood puberty, which may not have been covered in a simple handover of a book like “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret” by our mothers.

“The first person I saw was literally Kate Upton,” Schumer says, re-enacting how she looked down at her own body and came to a realization. “And I was like, ‘Oh, I get it. I’m not a real woman. I’m just harvesting organs for one.’ ” – Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo

During her one-hour performance at the famous Apollo Theatre in Manhattan, Schumer recounted an incident where she attended a Lakers game and found herself seated next to Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue model, Kate Upton. The initial thrill, though, faded when she recognized who her companion was.

Anybody see Top Gun? It was cute, right? I was impressed. Do you know that Tom Cruise does all his own Scientology?

As a die-hard fan, I can’t help but share my thoughts on Amy Schumer’s 2023 Netflix special, “Amy Schumer: Emergency Contact.” In this hilarious show, she doesn’t hold back, commenting freely on various topics, from facial laser treatments to chewable Viagra. One of the many amusing moments was when she took a playful jab at Tom Cruise and his legendary knack for performing his own death-defying stunts in the 2022 blockbuster hit, “Top Gun: Maverick.

“This Is Not An Exercise Class. This Is A Funeral For The Fat You!” – Inside Amy Schumer

In one episode of her popular Comedy Central show, Inside Amy Schumer, Amy humorously mocks the extreme nature of gym culture by playing the role of an overenthusiastic fitness instructor. She leads a bewildered group through exercise routines that, in jest, allegedly breach the principles of the Geneva Convention.

“Half Of You Don’t Know Who I Am, And Half Of You Think I’m Meghan Trainor.” – MTV Movie Awards 2015

During the 2015 MTV Movie Awards held at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles, a then-33-year-old Schumer playfully jabbed at her own lesser-known status and the fact that the typically youthful MTV audience was not as young compared to the usual.

“You Know That Show, ‘Teen Mom’? Or, If You’re From The South, ‘Mom’?” – Amy Schumer: Mostly Stuff

Amy Schumer is known for not being mistaken as someone who emphasizes political correctness a lot; an example of this is her joke about teenage pregnancies.

“He Was Really Into Family…He’d Never Come On The Road With Me On The Weekends ‘Cause He Wanted To Spend Time With His Wife” – Amy Schumer: Mostly Stuff

In her 2012 stand-up comedy special “Mostly Stuff,” Schumer playfully shared a tale about one of her past romantic entanglements, but then unexpectedly switched the narrative when she humorously disclosed that this very man had someone else who was also his “special someone.

“I Just Want To, Like, Sip A Mai Tai And, Like, Smoke A J. And Then Just Kinda, Like, Start Having Red Wine At Night. And Then Scotch. And If Somebody’s Like, “Have You Ever Done Ayahuasca?” I’ll Be Like, “No, Is It Safe?” And Then I’ll Try It. I Don’t Care.” – Snatched

In the opening moments of “Snatched” from 2017, where I starred alongside the iconic Goldie Hawn, my character Emily Middleton humorously admits she’s eager to cut loose during our upcoming South American trip. Little did she know, her mom unexpectedly joining as a travel companion would lead us on an unforgettable, wild jungle escapade!

We had whole milk. And we drank it with every meal. You’d have a grilled cheese sandwich with a cup of milk. Our skin was bad, we were farting all over the place. It was disgusting. But we were happy. – Emergency Contact

As a devoted fan, I can’t help but notice the stark contrast between Amy Schumer’s childhood and today’s 12-year-olds, as she humorously pointed out in her Netflix special, “Emergency Contact”. In her pre-teen days, options like oat milk, almond milk, or Erewhon weren’t even on the table. Instead, they were stuck with the good old, gas-producing dairy.

“Remember 27? God, You’re So Cute And Everything’s Still Up High And… You’re Wearing Heels. You’re Gonna… Someday, These Are Gonna Be Your Heels, Okay? There’s An Orthopedic Insert In Here.” – Amy Schumer: Emergency Contact

Some of Amy Schumer’s funniest stand-up moments are spontaneous, like this interaction with the audience during her special “Amy Schumer: Emergency Contact”. When she asked a front-row fan about their age, she joked about how back then, her shoes didn’t need additional support for her arches.

“Usually, When Someone In The Public Eye Gets Pregnant, There’s A Couple Of Months Where There Are Some Rumors About Them. Bump Alert! Uh Oh! I Was Well Into My Second Trimester And Not One Rumor About Me. Nothing. I Was Photographed, Belly Out, And They Were Just Like, ‘There’s Amy!'” – Amy Schumer: Growing

During her candidly amusing Netflix show titled “Growing“, Amy Schumer humorously discussed aspects of her life, such as the additional pounds she healthily carried while pregnant with her son Gene, and also touched upon her reputation within the entertainment industry in Hollywood.

“Some Guys, They Wanna Sleep With A Girl That’s, Like, A Skeleton Wrapped In Plastic. That’s Fine If That’s What You Want. But I’m Gonna Keep Eating And Showering Infrequently.” – Inside Amy Schumer

In the sixth installment of the inaugural season of “Inside Amy Schumer,” Amy Schumer explores numerous jokes centered around bodily themes, such as a skit involving a diet plan that punishes you with a slap if you indulge in unhealthy food. Here, Schumer voices her disapproval of societal pressure regarding female bodies, subtly poking fun at herself in the process.

“I Haven’t Eaten Much Today. I Had, Like, Basically Lay’s Potato Chips. Like, Stopped In Starbucks And Had, Like, One Red Velvet Yogurt And Two Scones, And They Were, Like, Super Small. And Then Just Chipotle But That Stuff Just Runs Through You.” – Trainwreck

In a particular scene from the movie “Trainwreck”, Amy’s character experiments with physical therapy apparatus while conversing with Dr. Aaron Conners (played by Bill Hader). At one instance, she feels dizzy, attributing it to not eating much that day. However, as the doctor notes, she did have breakfast, lunch, and several snacks.

“In LA, My Arms Register As Legs…And My Legs Register As Firewood.” – Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo

In Amy Schumer’s HBO special, “Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo”, Schumer humorously shares an incident where people in Los Angeles, known for their obsession with beauty and youth, mistook her for an octopus due to her average-sized limbs when she’s there.

“He’s Like, ‘Okay, Here’s Your New Diet. So For Breakfast, You’ll Have A Smoothie. Then For Lunch, You’ll Journal About That Smoothie. And Then You Put A Peanut Under Your Pillow And You Hope You Dream About Pizza.” – Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo

In Amy Schumer’s debut HBO stand-up special, “Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo,” I share my hilarious experience when the production team brought on a renowned personal trainer—the one who whips the Hemsworth brothers and Megan Fox into shape, not to mention a real fox itself! This trainer was my secret weapon for preparing for my leading role in “Trainwreck.

“We Have To Be A Role Model For These Little Girls, Because Who Do They Have? All They Have Is The Kardashians, And, Like, We Used To Have Khloe. Khloe Was Ours. Whenever There’s A Group Of Women, You Identify With One Of Them. Khloe, She Lost Half Her Body Weight. She Lost A Kendall!” – Saturday Night Live

During her first appearance hosting Saturday Night Live in 2015, Schumer playfully criticized the influential Kardashian family and their impact on beauty ideals as she humorously addressed the topic in her opening speech.

“He Wound Up Being Like An Insane Alcoholic And, Uh, That’s My Thing. I Feel Like In Most Relationships There’s One Alcoholic And One Person Who’s Sad About It. And I Wanted To Be Like The Fun One!” – Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo

In a bold approach, never afraid to tackle provocative themes or sensitive subjects, Schumer humorously discussed her drinking and romantic escapades in her HBO special titled “Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo.” Regrettably, it appears that this relationship did not have a lasting connection.

2024-11-14 00:38