32 Hilarious Patrice O’Neal Quotes That Will Make You Laugh and Cry

Among the cherished comedians whose life was cut short is Patrice O’Neal, who sadly passed away at the age of 41 in 2011 following a stroke triggered by his Type 2 diabetes. He had no qualms about joking about his health condition and other subjects that many others in his profession would hesitate to tackle.

Yet, O’Neal’s skillful handling of his unconventional beliefs transformed them into comedic gems, which made the absence of his exceptional talent even more sorrowful. Honor his tragically brief life and work by reminiscing about some of the funniest things he has ever said or done.

“How Many Thought Patrice O’Neal Was A Lovely White [Irish] Girl?”

Patrice O’Neal had a witty self-awareness, even about his uncommon name. He playfully questioned this during his appearance on Jimmy Fallon’s late night talk show in 2011, asking the audience how many were familiar with him before stepping onto the stage.

“Cheating Is For You”

In his debut and sole full-length comedy special titled “Elephant in the Room,” which ranks among the best on Paramount+, comedian O’Neal expresses some unexpected views on romance. For example, during this segment, he contends that infidelity serves as a means for men to indulge in their desires with other women, while maintaining secrecy to spare their partners’ feelings.

“I’m Lactose Intolerant, But If I Eat These Cookies, I Gotta Have Some Milk”

In 2002, the comedian unveiled a half-hour stand-up performance titled “Patrice O’Neal Live“, where he shared his personal battles with diabetes. Despite this health condition, he continued to grapple with resisting sweet treats like white chocolate-covered Oreos. In fact, he humorously mentions contemplating worsening his health by consuming milk along with the cookies.

“I Believe People Are Guilty Or Innocent Based On The Fact Of Whether I Think They Are Or Not”

One compelling illustration of his bold, humorous style can be found in his 2005 episode of HBO’s “One Night Stand,” which requires a Max subscription to access. During this performance, he advocates for the innocence of certain high-profile individuals facing trial based on his personal beliefs, asserting that he doesn’t require evidence or a jury decision. Instead, he claims that his intuition about the case is enough to form his own verdict.

“You’re Not Supposed To Be Able To Turn Your Draws Backwards And They Fit Better”

In 1997, during his appearance on Late Night with Conan O’Brien, Shaquille O’Neal had no hesitation in joking about his weight. This quote represents his viewpoint on obesity, specifically expressing that he thinks the most challenging type of obesity occurs when a second backside seems to develop beneath one’s stomach.

“If I Had To Spell ‘Restaurant’ To Save My Mother’s Life…”

In a segment of “Elephant in the Room“, the comedian humorously describes his struggles with spelling specific words. He playfully envisions a situation where his ability to spell “restaurant” determines his mother’s survival.

“All White Guys Used To Play In The NBA… Look How Far We’ve Come As A People Where Nobody Wants To Watch 10 White Dudes Play Basketball.”

In his 1998 interview on Late Night with Conan O’Brien, he emphasized the advancements of African Americans by pointing out that initially, the NBA was predominantly controlled by white players.

“He Proved That Nobody Can Keep A Sheen Down. They Can Keep An Estevez Down… And He’s The Good One”

Even though Charlie Sheen’s questionable actions resulted in him being let go from Two and a Half Men, his bold statements managed to gain the admiration of Patrice O’Neal. This was evident during Comedy Central’s amusing celebrity roast of the actor, where he also playfully teased Charlie’s older brother, Emilio Estevez.

“I Named It That Because I’m Fat”

In a debut performance, he graced the stage of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon to publicize his production titled Elephant in the Room. He clarified that the name holds a dual significance; it represents both his weight and his audacity to express thoughts others might shy away from voicing openly. He further noted that if he were of average size and kept the same title for the special, it would have come across as a trite, self-praising gesture.

“I Think I Could Kill A Fish Because Fish Don’t Have Eyelids… So, They Don’t Have No Sad Face”

From what we see here, it appears that the star showed no inclination towards hunting. Yet, there’s an indication that he might have been intrigued by fishing, possibly due to the peculiar gaze the fish seemed to offer upon their demise.

“Court Stenographer? You Know, That Don’t Make Me Feel Comfortable”

At one point, Patrice O’Neal took the stage at the renowned New York comedy club Caroline’s, which had been adapted to cater to deaf audiences with an American Sign Language interpreter and a stenographer displaying the comedians’ acts on a digital screen above the stage. Towards the start of his performance, he jokes about feeling as if he were being put in the dock due to the presence of the stenographer.

“I’m A Closet Beatles Fan”

Patrice O’Neal discussed an observation he had regarding Black people feeling the need to maintain a ‘cool’ demeanor at all times, which often involves hiding certain aspects of themselves. He gives an example of this by sharing that he keeps his affection for The Beatles private, as expressing it openly in Harlem might disrupt the desired, cool ambiance while playing “Yellow Submarine” loudly through his car stereo.

“We Call Our Champions ‘World Champions,’ But We Don’t Play Nobody Else”

In his comments, O’Neal criticized what he saw as American overconfidence by presenting several arguments to support his argument. One particularly humorous point he made was about U.S. sports teams bestowing themselves with titles of global champions, even though the competition they were referring to was entirely domestic.

“I’ll Step Over A Dying [Person] To Get To A Kitten With A Hurt Paw”

It’s not hard to see from his work that Patrice O’Neal held a somewhat pessimistic perspective towards humanity. In fact, he openly expressed a preference for animals, an opinion that few could argue against.

“The Idea Of Comedy, Really, Is Not Everybody Should Be Laughing. It Should Be About 50 People Laughing And 50 People Horrified”

He articulated his perspective on stand-up comedy quite eloquently during his appearance on The Green Room with Paul Provenza, alongside guests Bob Saget, Roseanne Barr, and Sandra Bernhard on Showtime. He presents a compelling case that having the entire audience in agreement with the comic is not necessarily better than creating division, as it fosters more intriguing discussions around the humor.

“I Would Love To Hear On The News, ‘Six Tractors Were Hijacked Today…'”

In some pulse-pounding action films, it seems like the most heinous crimes and devastating attacks often happen in New York City. However, comedian Patrice O’Neal had an intriguing idea – what if we shook things up and set a violent scenario in a more rural setting, perhaps somewhere like Nebraska?

“That’s Why I Always Keep An Alibi. I Collect Receipts… I Never Go More Than A Half An Hour Without Buying Something”

One of O’Neal’s distinctive routines involves him sharing how, because of his concern about being falsely accused of a crime, he would frequently purchase items and keep the receipts as evidence of his whereabouts. In situations when no receipt could be obtained, he would deliberately create a fuss with the cashier to leave an imprint and note down the time of his visit in their conversation before departing.

“Now I Have To Lose Weight To Stay Alive… And That’s Not Enough Motivation For Me”

Despite having a serious health issue such as diabetes, the humorous individual admitted finding it hard to adopt the lifestyle changes needed to extend his life. Initially, his statement seemed lighthearted, but upon reflection, it carries a more somber implication.

“I’m So Arrogant, When I Travel To Other Countries, I Refer To People In Their Own County As Foreigners”

Patrice O’Neal emphasizes his point further with the statement, “It seems as though I’m the one being visited.” He also shares an anecdote where he once criticized the spaghetti he ate in Italy.

“Can You Type A Middle Finger At Him?”

At a charity comedy event held at Caroline’s on Broadway for the hearing-impaired community, Patrice O’Neal requested the on-stage stenographer, who was typing up his performance on a digital display, to make a rude gesture towards an audience member on his behalf.

“I’d Rather You Be Dead Than To Break Your Heart”

Patrice O’Neal shares a segment from his comedy special, “Elephant in the Room,” where he discusses a common male fantasy: temporarily imagining harming their partners as a means of emotional release. He elaborates by stating that it would be less distressing for him to imagine his loved one deceased than to witness her crying over an issue he feels responsible for.

“I Learned Karate From All The Different Ways I Would Flush Public Toilets Cause I Didn’t Wanna Touch [Them]”

As a seasoned movie critic, let me share my thoughts on an intriguing scene: In this particular sequence, O’Neal showcases his unique approach to public toilet etiquette, likening it to a martial art maneuver. He executes a swift chop or kick, all in an effort to ensure a clean and hygienic experience. I daresay many viewers can empathize with this demonstration, perhaps even boasting about their own unspoken ‘black belt’ status in such matters.

“People Don’t Understand How Courageous You Have To Be To Be A Black Tuba Player”

In February 2011, during his appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, O’Neal noted that the show’s band, The Roots, includes a Black tuba player named Damon Bryson, who is also known as Tuba Gooding Jr. The comedian found this to be an uncommon occurrence in the music scene.

“It’s Hard For Us To Love You And Like You At The Same Time… Once A Man Loves You, He No Longer Likes You, Usually”

At the Just For Laughs Festival in 2008, I bore witness to a poignant revelation about the complexities of love. In my own experience, when a man initially enters a relationship, he truly cherishes the woman by his side. Yet, as he deepens his feelings, that initial liking for her subtly shifts. It becomes challenging, if not impossible, to feel that same level of fondness again.

“Officer, My Wife Is– Am I Calling Too Early?”

In his “One Night Stand” episode, Patrice O’Neal suggests that an innocent man wouldn’t react as distraught as Mark Hacking seemed before admitting to his wife’s murder (as reported by NBC News). Instead, he would wait three days before calling the police – on the first day, he might ponder if she was unfaithful; on the second, he may consider phoning but fear they would think him guilty; and on the third, he might dial but question whether it was too soon.

“Jeff Ross Is A Legend. His Funniness Is A Legend, But When I Say ‘Legend,’ I Mean A Myth”

During a celebrity roast event, it’s common practice to make fun of fellow roasters as part of the humor. At the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen, Patrice O’Neal brought the most scorching humor to the stage and one of his sharpest jabs was aimed squarely at the Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross himself.

“All I See Is Her Head. How Long Does That Take To Kick Off The Track? Let’s Go!”

In one segment, O’Neal candidly acknowledged occasional moments of rude behavior and provided a rather grim illustration. A tragic incident occurred when his commuter train inadvertently hit a woman, causing a thirty-minute delay. Initially, he was taken aback by the event, but then questioned why it would take so long for the train to resume its journey.

“Here’s How We’re Gonna Cure All [Diseases]… The Whole World Votes On The Worst Diseases From 1 To 100, And You Can’t Get [Yours] Cured [Until]… The One Ahead Of It Gets Cured First”

As a movie enthusiast, I’d like to share an intriguing perspective I once came across. In a scene, someone discusses their viewpoint on celebrities launching fundraisers for diseases they have experienced, overlooking potentially more critical conditions. This sparked their idea for a democratic system that ranks illnesses, which I find quite thought-provoking.

“My Advice: Run, Get Home, Feel Guilty, But Be Alive”

In a different perspective, Patrice O’Neal expresses the idea that some white individuals, in their attempt to avoid being labeled racist, might hesitate to flee from what they perceive as potential danger until a Black person takes action. The comedian argues that personal safety should guide decisions, even if it leads to mistakes and subsequent regret. He further illustrates this point by stating that he himself might wrongly assume a group of bald white men posed a threat.

“I Believe In God When I’m On Planes”

In his comedy act, O’Neal expressed a lack of zeal towards religious matters. Yet, he held a strong belief in God, particularly before embarking on journeys that took him up to heights between 30,000 and 40,000 feet.

“The Doctor Didn’t Go, ‘Mr. O’Neal, If You Ever Eat Brussel Sprouts And Spinach Again, You Could Die”

In discussing his diabetes, the comedian humorously points out the irony of being diagnosed with a condition that restricts his diet to the very foods he desires most.

“I’m Watching A Talk Show. They Had The 1,000-lb Man On… I’m 300 Pounds. That Means This Dude Was Three Of Me And Another Dude With Pneumonia”

Patrice O’Neal was so adept at making himself a part of his content. It’s his unique knack that I still long for today.

2025-03-28 15:39