32 Side-Splitting Jay Leno Quotes That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud!

As a lifelong movie buff who grew up with the silver screen, I’ve always held a special place in my heart for Jay Leno. For nearly two decades (1992-2009 and 2010-2014), he graced our television screens as the host of The Tonight Show, but let us not forget that a generation before mine knew him as one of the wittiest, most dynamic stand-up comedians of the ’70s and ’80s. Today, let’s revisit some of the hilarious jokes he told throughout his illustrious career.

“Let’s See How You All Feel In 30 Years”

In this scenario, Jay Leno made his first statement as the host of The Tonight Show following a wave of applause from the audience. This remark served as a nod to Johnny Carson, who had previously hosted the show for an unprecedented 30 years.

“Facebook Was Down Today… People Were So Bored, They Apparently Started Opening Up Real Books!”

In this segment from “The Tonight Show,” Jay Leno humorously speculates about how individuals might respond if they were compelled to abstain from using Facebook, the globally recognized social media platform. Although it’s wishful thinking that people would opt for literary pursuits instead, I suppose many would simply switch to another time-wasting app on their phones or tablets.

“I Was A Philosophy Major For Four Years In College. Had Dreams Of Opening A Little Philosophy Shop When I Got Out”

During his performance at the Just For Laughs Festival in Canada back in 1978, Jay Leno reminisced about his time as a philosophy student during college and playfully jabbed at the slim prospects a degree in philosophy usually offers for a professional career. Fortunately, it seems his philosophical knowledge did come in handy for crafting that joke.

“The Economy Is So Bad In California, Parents In Beverly Hills Are Being Forced To Raise Their Own Children”

On certain instances after departing from The Tonight Show (for the second instance), Jay Leno would occasionally drop by 30 Rock to “fill in” and lead the monologue on behalf of Jimmy Fallon. One such time in 2016, he shared a joke about the economic status in the West Coast that depicted affluent Californians struggling to pay for a maid to take care of their families for them.

“Electronics Experts Say, By The Year 2009, People Will Be Able To Watch TV On Their Cellphones. They Say Their Goal Is To Create The Most Annoying Person Ever To Sit Behind You At The Movie Theater”

This Tonight Show monologue surprisingly proved quite prescient, not only for those opting to watch movies on mobile devices but also for the shockingly high number of individuals using their phones during movie screenings in the theater.

“It’s So Cold That Rapper Ice-T Turned Into Ice Cube”

It seems unlikely that the joke about Ice-T and Ice Cube’s stage names based on their real names and a reference to science in last night’s Tonight Show with Jay Leno is the very first of its kind. Yet, it remains just as amusing.

“A Fishing Pole You Carry Around In Your Pocket. Where Are You Possibly Gonna Use This Thing? Like, You’re Standing In Line At The Movies: ‘We Got A Few Extra Minutes, Honey. No Sense Buying That Expensive Candy. I’ll Just Catch Some Bass'”

One of the more unique inventions to emerge in the 1970s was the Popeil Pocket Fisherman – essentially a portable fishing reel designed for convenience. However, comedian Jay Leno often humorously highlights its impracticality in his stand-up acts, suggesting that the only time you’d require a fishing rod is when you’re actually on a fishing trip.

“TV Guide Is Now Considered Reading In America. When Did This Happen? I Think It Happened The Same Day Ketchup Became A Vegetable”

During the eleventh season of Saturday Night Live (a year when many cast members only appeared once), Jay Leno made his sole appearance as host on the Studio 8H stage, both opening and closing the show for the first and last time. In his monologue, he told a joke that conveyed his surprise to learn that TV Guide, a magazine primarily filled with television listings, was the most popular publication in the United States during the mid-1980s.

“People Who Put Hand Blowers In Washrooms Never Assume That You Might Want To Wash Your Face”

Although air dryers in public restrooms could be more eco-friendly than using paper towels for hand drying, Jay Leno makes an interesting argument as to why the latter option can have its advantages too. In his comedy act, he humorously discusses how drying your face with a paper towel might produce a burning sensation and theoretically, under extreme conditions, could potentially melt someone’s retinas if they attempted it.

“I’m Jay Leno, Your Host, At Least For A While”

One of the most notorious incidents in TV history unfolded when Jay Leno temporarily vacated The Tonight Show in 2009, allowing Conan O’Brien to take over. Meanwhile, Leno received a new show under his own name at 10 p.m.. However, poor ratings prompted NBC to ask O’Brien to shift to the 12:05 a.m. time slot, making room for The Jay Leno Show at 11:30 p.m.. This request was met with refusal by O’Brien, eventually leading to his departure and Leno’s return to The Tonight Show. The following is the first joke Leno shared upon his return, following the widely publicized situation.

“New Jersey Officials Are Encouraging All State Workers In New Jersey To Lead Healthier Lifestyles Because The State Is Spending Too Much Money On Health Insurance. In Fact, They Say The Healthiest Thing You Can Do: Get Out Of New Jersey”

New Jersey has received considerable criticism, even being the target of jokes on late-night talk shows such as “The Tonight Show” hosted by Jay Leno, where he made fun of the state and its healthcare spending.

“Most U.S. Automakers Will Begin Equipping Most Of Their Cars Now With Automatic Trunk Releases… They Say This Is Expected To Save The Lives Of Over 2000 Mob Informants Per Year”

It’s likely that numerous gangsters and serial abductors, among others, felt disheartened upon hearing that contemporary automobiles would facilitate the escapes of their captives from the trunks.

“This Is What Killed Carl Senior”

In a frequent segment of “Read the Fine Print” on The Tonight Show, host Jay Leno humorously shares (fictitious) small-print disclaimers found on popular products and services. For example, this joke represents what the fine print might say about the Monster Thick Burger from Carl’s Jr.:

“Consuming this product may result in temporary enlargement of your waistline and permanent attachment to a treadmill.

“Tennessee Has Passed This Roadkill Bill. It Allows You To Eat The Roadkill You Run Over. So, Now, If You Go To Tennessee, You Can Not Only Get Fast Food, You Can Also Get Not-Fast-Enough Food”

Indeed, it’s commendable that the writers of The Tonight Show came up with a wittier remark for Jay Leno about Tennessee’s roadkill bill beyond merely criticizing its taste as roadkill with tire tracks. My initial assumption was that he would focus on how unpalatable tire-flavored meals might be, but they managed to find something more intelligent and amusing instead.

“Why Is It That UFOs Never Land At MIT Or UCLA? They Always Land In The Middle Of A Swamp Where Bob Bookey And His Cousin, Weenie, Are Out Fishing”

In his comedy act, Jay Leno notes something that is not just a recurring theme in movies about extraterrestrial invasions, but also a shared experience among people who claim to have encountered UFOs. It’s quite possible that there’s an alien invasion movie where the extraterrestrial beings make contact with someone in an urban setting, though.

“Toyota Announced That They Are Introducing A New Version Of The Popular Prius. They Say This Will Be A Smaller, Less Powerful Version. Thank God For That. That’s Why I Didn’t Buy The Original Prius. I Was Intimidated By All That Power”

Given the number of vehicles that Jay Leno has, it’s surprising there isn’t a single Toyota Prius tucked away in his collection somewhere.

“They Always Search You For Weapons. I Mean, You Walk Through An X-Ray Machine, They Open Your Luggage, And Then You Sit Down To Eat And They Give Everybody Steak Knives”

In a humorous twist during his stand-up routine, Jay Leno jokes that if you carry your own steak knife on an airplane, they’ll give you a 20-year sentence.

“Vanilla Ice Got Punched Out During A Concert… That Was His First Hit in Years”

Back in the late ’90s, Jay Leno joked about Vanilla Ice. However, the rapper and brief sensation agreed to be on his show in 2010, suggesting that perhaps there was no lingering resentment.

“My Wife And I Go To The Supermarket. We Buy $128 Worth Of Groceries, And The Clerk Says, ‘You Want A Bag For That?’ ‘No, We’re Going To Eat It Here'”

Once upon a time, during my show on The Tonight Show, I had the pleasure of inviting my predecessor, Jay Leno, for a little impromptu act. Amongst his hilarious jabs, he touched upon a question that’s as ubiquitous as a grocery store clerk – a query that leaves us all scratching our heads!

“Really? Is That What I Want? My Car Calling The Cops On Me?”

Jay Leno doesn’t find OnStar appealing due to his personal preferences, but given his extensive car collection, it might be very advantageous for him to use it.

“People Were Camped Out To Get An iPad Last Week. I Know, Crazy, But Their Parents Were Happy They Finally Got Out Of The Basement”

It’s not accurate to assume that all tech enthusiasts are jobless misfits who live at home with their parents. Yet, it’s intriguing to ponder over how they could leave their jobs to stand in line for the initial iPad launch.

“The Price Of Gas In California Is Going Crazy. In Fact, Today I Did Something Smart. I Bought A Gallon As An Investment”

Jay Leno might have an interesting idea storing large quantities of gasoline. Indeed, it seems like this could be a method for earning personal income from gas, provided that the stored gas doesn’t spoil before you can use or sell it.

“According To A Recent Survey, Guys Say The First Thing They Notice About A Woman Are Her Eyes, And Women Say The First Thing They Notice About Guys Is They Are A Bunch Of Liars”

As a seasoned movie connoisseur, I must admit that I’ve encountered numerous fellows who confidently proclaim their knack for noticing a woman’s captivating eyes first. Yet, having had the privilege of engaging with various audiences, I can’t help but suspect a smidgen of exaggeration among those gentlemen who responded to Jay Leno’s survey. After all, truth-stretching in such matters is as common as popcorn at the movies.

“If You Pay $250 For Sneakers, Your Feet Are Smarter Than You Are”

In the spirit of “The Tonight Show’‘s “Fine Print” segment, here’s a carefully worded disclaimer associated with Adidas’ high-priced Smart Sneakers:

This is the fine print you might have missed when buying our Smart Sneakers:

1. The smart technology embedded within the sneaker may not guarantee an increase in athletic prowess or physical abilities, but it will definitely make them smarter shoes.
2. While the sensors in the soles can collect data on your foot movements, they are not designed to predict future moves or provide psychic advice.
3. The GPS tracking feature is intended for mapping your runs and improving your performance, not for spying on you or tracking your whereabouts without permission.
4. The self-lacing mechanism is designed for convenience, but it does not have the ability to read your mind or adjust itself based on your mood.
5. The app that comes with the sneakers is meant to provide insights into your running habits and offer suggestions for improvement, not to monitor or control your daily activities.

“When U2 Played A Concert In Seattle Over The Weekend, Bono Slept Over At The House Of Bill Gates… That’s Something You Don’t See Every Day: Screaming Girls Outside Bill Gates’ House”

Given that Bill Gates and Bono have been close friends for quite some time, it’s probably not surprising to witness U2 enthusiasts touring the Microsoft co-founder’s property.

“A TV Psychic In Saudi Arabia May Be Beheaded For Practicing Witchcraft And Sorcery. I Guess He Should’ve Seen That Coming”

It’s worth noting that the sketch on The Tonight Show could be seen as somewhat harsh, but it’s certainly food for thought. If you reside in an area where witchcraft is still prohibited, it might be prudent to choose a vocation that has absolutely no connection with magic whatsoever.

“Dick Cheney Was Hospitalized Monday Because Of Chest Pains. You See This? They Say The Problem Was His Heart Hasn’t Worked In Years”

As the U.S. Vice President during my tenure, my mortality became a frequent subject of jokes on late-night talk shows, as evidently shown in this particular sketch from The Tonight Show.

“Arizona Recently Passed The Toughest Anti-Immigration Bill In American History. The Idea Behind This Bill Is To Drive Illegal Immigrants Out Of Arizona And Back To Their Homeland Of Los Angeles”

Back in the day, Jay Leno was the one who hosted The Tonight Show right here in LA. Essentially, that experience gives him the qualifications to share this joke with us.

“According To The Social Security Administration, The Most Popular Baby Names Of 2016: Noah And Emma. The Least Popular Baby Names: Donald And Hillary”

Tonight, I’d like to share a joke that originated from a visit Jay Leno made to Jimmy Fallon’s show back in 2016. At that time, the heated race between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump for the White House was dominating the headlines.

“Andy Rooney [From 60 Minutes]… Blasted Three Commentators For Appearing On the CBS Evening News Without Wearing Ties. Andy Said When He Started, Reporters Always Had To Wear A Tie And A Powdered Wig And Matching Buckles On Their Hats”

This part of “The Tonight Show” from the early 2000s might have been challenging for Andy Rooney due to his age, but it did depict his role at “60 Minutes” quite accurately. His job was essentially to express disapproval about the changes between the present and his peak period.

“The UPN Network Has Announced They’re Doing A New Reality Series That Will Follow Amish Teenagers… The Network Says, ‘The Amish Will Not Find This Show Insulting.’ Of Course They Won’t Find It Insulting. They Don’t Have TVs”

It’s interesting to consider why someone who doesn’t typically watch TV might still choose to participate as a subject on a television program.

“Ted Kennedy Introduced [John] Kerry As The Comeback Kid. That Used To Be [Bill] Clinton’s Name On The Campaign Trail… Because Every Time He Would Come Back To A City, He’d Find Out If He Had A Kid Or Not”

Regardless of how many years go by, it seems like jokes poking fun at Bill Clinton’s infidelity during his term in office will continue to be amusing and timeless.

2025-05-29 14:40