“Coinbase Just Flexed: ‘We’re Basically a Bank Now… But Cooler 😎'”
Oh, Brian Armstrong, always the modest guy, quietly standing atop his $420 billion mountain of customer assets and saying, “No biggie, just the 21st largest bank in the U.S., if we *were* a bank. 🏦” Like, okay Brian, should we call you the Elon Musk of fintech, or does that title already come with too many late-night tweets?
He even went for a humblebrag on X (formerly Twitter, for those of you still clinging to 2012), saying Coinbase is *also* the eighth-largest brokerage. Not a banker? No problem. Want to be a brokerage? *Boom*, you’re top 10. Who needs traditional financial institutions when you’ve got vibes, memes, and billions of dollars in assets?
If you think of Coinbase like a bank, we now hold about $0.42T in assets for our customers, which would make us 21st largest bank in the US by total assets, and growing.
If you think of us more like a brokerage, we’d be the 8th largest brokerage today by AUM.
If you think of us…
— Brian Armstrong (@brian_armstrong) February 7, 2025
Payments via Coinbase
And let’s not forget the casual mention of processing $30 trillion in stablecoin transactions last year. Armstrong sheepishly admits these weren’t all for groceries (although imagine swiping crypto for milk—how futuristic 🥛). Instead, he talks about how crypto is turning finance into this weird, glorious smoothie of investing, payments, and lending. A financial smoothie might sound gross, but apparently, it’s the future. 🥤💸
“The line between these categories is blurring,” Brian explains, as if this entire business model wasn’t a blur to begin with. In true visionary fashion, he predicts global domination—I mean, um, *crypto adoption*—which will lead to “lower transaction costs and increased economic freedom.” Sounds like a dream, except for anyone still trying to figure out how to even pronounce Dogecoin. 🐕🦺💰
Also, shoutout to traditional banking for being “outdated” because who needs those stodgy old systems? Here’s to a streamlined future where you can lose your life savings while buying a latte via blockchain. ☕✨
Read More
- Dragon Ball Z’s Spinoff Daima Is Officially Available In English, And I Think Fans Should Be Watching For One Major Reason
- SEC Refutes Ripple’s Argument to Reduce $2B Fine
- Gremlins 3 and The Goonies 2: Are They Too Scary for Kids Today?
- Anurag Kashyap’s heartfelt birthday wish for ‘now married’ daughter Aaliyah Kashyap is proof that he misses her
- I Watched The Original Wolf Man For The First Time, And I Have To Talk About One Thing I Was Not Over The Moon About
- I’m Adoring All The Love Demi Moore And Bruce Willis’ Daughters Are Sending The Actress After Her Golden Globes Win
- OHGEESY Announces ‘Paid N Full’ Album
- Top gainers and losers
- ‘Utter Madness.’ The Latest Update On House Of The Dragon Season 3 Has Me Both Pumped And Bummed
- Zamna In Tulum Is Taking Your Festival Experience To The Next Level
2025-02-07 23:10