So, the crypto market is doing its best impression of a beached whale, barely moving and gasping for air. The market cap took a tiny tumble, shrinking to a mere $2.71 trillion. It’s like watching a snail race—exciting if you’re into snails, I guess. Bitcoin (BTC) is hovering around $83,000, trying to muster the energy to do more than just exist. It’s like the flagship cryptocurrency had a big night out and is now nursing a hangover, trying to remember why it got so excited about reaching $84,644 in the first place.
Meanwhile, Ethereum (ETH) is playing a game of ‘Tag, You’re It’ with the $2,000 mark, popping its head above the line just to tease everyone. Ripple (XRP) is having a moment, up almost 2%, while Solana (SOL) is showing off with a 3% gain. Dogecoin (DOGE) is up a smidge, and Chainlink (LINK) is nearly 3% better off, probably because it heard someone say “blockchain” and got excited. Other coins are doing the crypto equivalent of a sad trombone sound, declining in a way that’s not exactly dramatic but still noticeable.
SEC Could Axe Biden-Era Crypto Custody Rule
The SEC is considering a game of ‘Simon Says’ with the crypto world, possibly scrapping a rule that was supposed to tighten crypto custody standards. Mark Uyeda, the SEC’s acting chair, is like the dad who says “We’ll see” when you ask if you can have a puppy. The rule, proposed last year, had people waving their hands in the air like they just didn’t care—or maybe they cared too much.
“Given such concern, there may be significant challenges to proceeding with the original proposal. As such, I have asked the SEC staff to work closely with the crypto task force to consider appropriate alternatives, including its withdrawal.”
It’s like the SEC is trying to untangle a knot of Christmas lights, and everyone’s just standing around waiting to see if they’ll give up and buy new ones.
Solana Deletes Controversial Ad Following Backlash
Solana decided to hit ‘delete’ on its “America is Back – Time To Accelerate” ad, which was about as popular as a fart in an elevator. The crypto community was not having it, calling the ad offensive, cringe-worthy, and just plain divisive. The ad got over 1.4 million views, which is like saying “Well, at least people saw it” after your homemade rocket explodes on the launchpad.
“This might be the single most toxic piece of content I have ever consumed. It’s like the Coinbase ads if they were created by an incel who hasn’t left the basement in years.”
So, Solana’s ad was like that one relative who shows up at Thanksgiving and ruins everything. Now, the company is probably sitting in a corner, quietly Googling ‘how to apologize without actually saying sorry.’
Standard Chartered Slashes ETH Price Target By 60%
Standard Chartered just took an axe to its Ethereum (ETH) price target, chopping it down from $10,000 to $4,000. It’s like they saw ETH was trying to climb a mountain and decided to turn the mountain into a molehill. They’re blaming it on Layer2 solutions, which are like the cool kids at school who everyone wants to hang out with, leaving ETH sitting alone at the lunch table.
Bitcoin (BTC) Price Analysis
Bitcoin (BTC) is like a yo-yo, going up and down with no real sense of direction. It’s trying to break out of its shell, but it keeps getting distracted by shiny objects. The market is watching like a parent at a toddler’s soccer game, cheering for no real reason other than it’s what you’re supposed to do.
Ethereum (ETH) Price Analysis
Ethereum (ETH) is playing a game of ‘Red Light, Green Light’ with the $2,000 mark. It’s like it’s trying to sneak into a club and keeps getting caught by the bouncer. ETH’s recent moves are about as predictable as a cat’s behavior, which is to say, not at all.
Solana (SOL) Price Analysis
Solana (SOL) is having a bit of a mid-life crisis, trying to figure out if it’s still got it. It’s like the middle-aged dad who buys a motorcycle and then realizes he’s not sure how to ride it. SOL is up and down more than a rollercoaster, and the passengers are getting queasy.
Chainlink (LINK) Price Analysis
Chainlink (LINK) is like the kid who falls off the bike and then gets right back on, determined to show everyone he can do it. It’s been a bumpy ride, but LINK is trying to dust itself off and keep going.
Bittensor (TAO) Price Analysis
Bittensor (TAO) is like the quiet kid in class who no one really notices until it’s time for the science fair and suddenly, they’ve got a volcano that’s actually erupting. TAO is up and down, but it’s got a spark that keeps people interested.
Aptos (APT) Price Analysis
Aptos (APT) is the new kid on the block, trying to find its place in the crypto playground. It’s had some falls, but it’s learning to get back up and keep playing.
Uniswap (UNI) Price Analysis
Uniswap (UNI) is like the class clown, always trying to make everyone laugh but sometimes falling flat. It’s up and down, but at least it’s never boring.
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2025-03-18 17:18