Bankers and Bitcoins: Why Your Aunt Might Soon Buy Dogecoin

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In the waning light of a Dutch afternoon, Europe’s second-largest neobank, Bunq, found itself, perhaps out of boredom or ambition—or simply to keep up with the neighbors—joining hands with the enigmatic Kraken, a marketplace where one can buy invisible coins and sell invisible dreams. Yes, crypto trading has nestled itself into Bunq’s app, as quietly and persistently as a cat who refuses to admit you don’t want it sleeping on your face.

Now, if you reside in the sun-warmed apartments of Spain, the stoic townhouses of the Netherlands, or anywhere French bureaucracy dares to allow hope, you too can experience the joy, heartbreak, and utter confusion of trading over 290 different cryptocurrencies without putting on your slippers. Plans to expand to the rest of Europe, the UK, and the US are on the horizon—though one wonders if the regulators there might make Bunq wish it had simply taken up stamp-collecting.

— bunq (@bunq) April 29, 2025

Why such a grand move? The people, all 12 million of them, seem to desire a world where their savings, their wild speculative bets, and their existential dread are all available within one little screen. And if that doesn’t sound like progress, perhaps you’re just not using enough buzzwords. Bitcoin? Ethereum? Solana? Take your pick—although as Chekhov might say, one won’t keep you warm in the winter, nor console you when the app updates unexpectedly at midnight. 😂

Bunq, ever the modern innovator, only recently added stock trading to their suite. Now, under the watchful eye of the EU’s MiCA regulations (which, I assure you, are written in language as opaque as the crypto they govern), they push forward bravely. Or blindly. Or both.

In their imminent dash toward the UK and US, Bunq faces regulatory riddles from the FCA and Americans who still aren’t quite sure whether crypto is the future or merely a collection of very expensive lottery tickets. And after a few high-profile scandals, one imagines Bunq’s lawyers are already halfway through their third bottle of vodka.

Legacy banks, once content to nap through the 21st century, are now peering nervously over the tops of their pince-nez. Bunq’s gambit is less a gentle nudge and more a banana peel tossed under the feet of tradition. Whether this drama ends in tragedy or farce remains to be seen. As with all modern affairs, success, failure, and government inquiry are just a tap away. 🤷‍♂️

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2025-04-29 23:03