Borrow $1M With Bitcoin & Keep Your Crypto—Coinbase’s Bold New Play!

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Behold! Coinbase, that merchant of digital marvels, unveils to the nation a new spectacle: bitcoin-backed loans, fit for kings, rogues, and crypto jesters alike! Avail yourself of instant riches (up to a mighty $1 million!) without parting from your precious bitcoin or inviting that most dreaded guest—taxation. Viva la liquidity! 😎💰

Borrow Up to $1M, Bid Adieu to Tax Man—Coinbase’s Daring Loan Escapade Sweeps the Land

Ladies, gentlemen, and degens of all stripes—hear ye! Upon the moving stage of X (formerly known with much less ambiguity as Twitter), Coinbase (Nasdaq: COIN) did trumpet across the land on the 30th of April its latest caprice: bitcoin-backed loans, now available to virtuous citizens of these United States, barring New York. (Sorry, Gotham! Your regulators strike again. 🗽🔒)

Thus quoth the company: “From April 30, 2025, mortals may borrow up to $1,000,000 USD—bestowed in USDC—against their hallowed bitcoin, that digital philosopher’s stone! Need coin for extravagant quests or mundane plumbing disasters? No need to sell—nay, merely stake thine bitcoin!” Coinbase magnanimously adds:

“Bitcoin-backed loans are here, dear Americans—save those ensnared in New York’s legal labyrinth. Fear not, world—we plot to bring this sorcery to further shores!”

Behold the spectacle’s phenomenal reception: since this circus began in January, over $100 million in USDC has flown from its tent in under 100 days! Interest rates as low as 5%—half that of lesser crypto circuses—and no clandestine fees lurking in the shadows. Truly, it’s enough to make any usurer weep in envy! 😱🎪

To partake in this revel, one’s bitcoin shapeshifts into cbBTC (Coinbase’s own homunculus), and, with a flourish, is whisked away to Morpho, that decentralized bazaar atop Coinbase’s Ethereum sideshow, Base. Faster than you can say “blockchain,” cold USDC lands in your purse, repayment terms vanish into the mist, and no stern due date haunts your dreams. On your honor, you’ll pay—someday!

Coinbase, ever the visionary, proclaims its offering a cornerstone of a grand onchain idyll. Whether you seek a new bauble, a swift carriage, or salvation from leaky roofs (bitcoin won’t mend shingles, alas), BTC-backed loans offer sweet succor. All while your bitcoin loafs about behind digital bars, dreaming of moonshots.

“The use—oh, the glorious use! Large purchases, dire emergencies, or midlife crises—grab the cash, keep the coin. The tax man, starved and disappointed, gnashes his teeth.”

With ever-shifting interest rates (life must have some drama), and the magic portal of the Coinbase app at your beckon, these loans offer a streamlined adventure in borrowing. True, some lands—like New York—remain beset by the monsters of regulation. Still, Coinbase sharpens its sword to bring this spectacle abroad, determined to plant its flag on every digital promontory. Financiers, beware: the onchain farce has only just begun! 🏴‍☠️😂

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2025-05-01 02:58