You Won’t Believe MicroStrategy’s Mind-Boggling $4.2 Billion Loss Plan

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Well, break out the Chardonnay and face-palm emojis, because Strategy (a.k.a. MicroStrategy, a.k.a. That Company Glued To Bitcoin Like A Spanx Bodysuit) has just unleashed its Q1 2025 results: a paltry $4.2 billion net loss, which, one should note, is only about 8.4 million bottomless brunches in Manhattan. All the while, they’re gleefully pointing at their shiny Bitcoin gains—and then, in a plot twist nobody asked for, decided to sell $84 billion in new shares. Is it a business plan or a late-night dare? 😅🍾

Shareholders are experiencing a collective existential crisis. Some are considering a gentle weep in the loo over the prospect of watering-down their shares to the point of homeopathic investor value. Others, possibly fueled by a diet consisting solely of optimism and Bitcoin memes, are cheering this plan on.

Bitcoin, Baby: Go Big or Go Buy More?

Strategy (MicroStrategy’s cool rebrand, because “Micro” just didn’t sound gutsy enough) is not changing course. Hail Mary, they say! Armed with 553,555 glittering Bitcoins—average cost: $68,459, aka the GDP of a small tropical island—they’re parading a $5.8 billion gain on those coins.

Except, catch: The company *still* slumped $4.2 billion into the red, mainly due to a $5.9 billion “unrealized” crypto loss. Apparently “unrealized” means “it’s only theoretical until you try to buy anything with it, then it gets very real, very fast.” The volatility has them clutching their spreadsheets and, possibly, crystals.

Panic hit the rumor mill when Strategy took a breather from hoarding BTC in April. Speculation swirled that Saylor & Co. might have to part with their beloved coins, prompting mild hysteria in the group chat.

In a wild finance-nerd power move, initial reports claimed Strategy would throw $21 billion at more Bitcoin purchases. Then Michael Saylor swaggered in, updated the script, and casually doubled down:

“Strategy… doubles capital plan to $42 billion equity and $42 billion fixed income to purchase bitcoin, and increases BTC Yield target from 15% to 25% and BTC $ Gain target from $10 billion to $15 billion for 2025,” Saylor proclaimed, perhaps while wearing sunglasses indoors.

The crowd went wild (or just wild-eyed). Two months ago, all their BTC stash was worth $42 billion, and the most ambitious stock splash was about $2 billion. Now we’re talking $84 billion. That’s not just thinking outside the box; it’s setting the box on fire and launching it to the moon. 🚀

Dear MSTR shareholders, you’re getting bent.

Saylor needs to sell more common stock which he knows the shareholders won’t like. Therefore he disguises it in a “42/42” plan, despite having 20 BILLION of unsold preferred remaining from the previous plan. Why not issue it all?…

— Leverage McGee (@LeverageMcgee) May 1, 2025

In translation: Strategy has a pile of preferred stock they *could* use for more BTC shopping sprees, but whoops—massive losses and lack of actual cash have made that less appealing than a cold salad at a warm buffet. Push comes to shove, selling even more shares might mean Saylor gets the Bitcoin, while everyone else ends up splitting the crumbs.

Yet, there are still true believers tossing hodl emojis from the sidelines, unconcerned about actual balance sheets or, say, reality. Strategy has become the torchbearer for institutional Bitcoin lunacy, and as long as their cult-like investor base holds tight, BTC’s vibes are safe. But if those holders get an attack of common sense and ditch their shares, stormy weather for Bitcoin could be ahead.

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2025-05-02 01:33