You Won’t Believe Why Texas Wants Crypto ATMs in Federal Buildings! 😮🤦‍♂️

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  • Texas Rep. Lance Gooden proposes crypto ATMs in federal buildings. 
  • The proposal aims to promote financial education and innovation.

If there is a man in greater need of distraction than our modern legislator, I have yet to meet him. Representative Lance Gooden, Texan by geography and optimist by tragic necessity, has decided, as only a man from Texas could, to bring the wonders of Bitcoin to the halls of federal buildings. Yes, what this country needs, in a world where even the pigeons seem to have private wallets, is a line of middle-aged civil servants staring helplessly at blinking machines whispering “just press confirm.”

Gooden, committed to progress, sends forth a bill to install bitcoin ATMs upon the noble soil of government property. According to his correspondence with the stoic General Services Administration (who, one suspects, would rather field requests for coffee urns), these machines are to be “tools for financial literacy.” The dream: ordinary citizens, losing their last cents to digital slots, suddenly enlightened about the blockchain. “Education!” Gooden declares. One imagines him brandishing a ledger, eyes bright with the fervor of hope—or perhaps a mild fever.

All this, of course, in full harmony with President Trump’s rousing support for cryptocurrencies, an alliance which, if nothing else, ensures that America’s financial experiments shall never lack for headlines. Is it progress, innovation, or merely another page in the great ledger of American amusements? The only sure thing is that somewhere, a bored security guard will soon become intimately familiar with the phrase, “network error, please retry.”

Rising Crypto Scams Spark Concerns

Alas, not all adore the vision. As Gooden’s bill shuffles forward, like a debtor to his creditor, experts raise eyebrows to unprecedented heights. 2024 has already crowned itself Emperor of Crypto Scams, with the FTC reporting losses of $1.4 billion—each dollar no doubt marked by a scammer’s gentle laughter echoing from an untraceable server farm in Vladivostok.

Bitcoin Depot, the proud colossus among American crypto ATM operators, has discovered that “easy money” is a category reserved for scammers and, occasionally, politicians. Their profits shrink, battered by regulators and opportunists alike. Each machine becomes a battlefront: the regulator mumbles about oversight, the fraudster sharpens his wits, and the poor user stands in between, clutching a QR code and praying for mercy.

Into this circus, Gooden introduces new security guidelines: stronger user verification, grander surveillance—though, predictably, not quite enough detail to stop someone from buying a yacht with your mother-in-law’s savings. Federal building protocols, as always, remain a riddle wrapped in an enigma, hidden behind a locked office door with the lights off.

Educational Goals vs. Security Risks

At the heart of Gooden’s project is an innocent dream: education. Something magical will happen, he insists, if you let the public poke at cryptocurrency with their own trembling hands. Blockchain knowledge shall blossom as coin deposits vanish. In his letter, the Congressman assures everyone that “Crypto ATMs in federal buildings would symbolize our devotion to servicing a diverse and developing consumer base.” The custodians of the IRS are, understandably, thrilled at the prospect.

But as day follows night, so do concerns follow hope. The FTC, doom-mongers as they are, sound alarms about so-called “pig butchering” scams—an oddly culinary name for what happens when gentlemen proposing investments start demanding deposits at odd hours, and end by vanishing into the digital ether. Public crypto ATMs, it seems, are difficult enough to monitor that almost any mischief can blossom beside them—indeed, the very environment Chekhov might say breeds intrigue, and, perhaps, the occasional duel.

For now, Gooden’s missive sits unanswered—likely alongside memos about broken vending machines and that mysterious leak in the east hall. Should the Senate debate the Crypto ATM Fraud Prevention Act, we may yet see our hero upon the legislative stage again, his bill in one hand and a USB wallet in the other, hoping history will judge him as a pioneer rather than a farce. Time, as always, will be the final and most sarcastic committee chair.

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2025-05-03 16:13