Is Bitcoin About to Crash Through $100K or Splatter Into a Supply Wall?

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Picture this: for a fortnight that would give even Pontius Pilate insomnia, Bitcoin dashed about with all the bravado of a demonic cat at midnight. Experts—those modern-day high priests—had already started carving “Here Lies The Bull Run” on its gravestone. But, lo! The bull was not deceased, merely napping, and now it stirs from the grave with the subtlety of a fire alarm in a monastery. Such is the drama!

Yet before you hitch your wagon to the Bitcoin comet expecting instant millionairedom, beware—the road to $100,000 is riddled with more obstacles than the average Moscow traffic jam. As it stands, our brave Bitcoin is stuck somewhere between $93,000 and $100,000 like a bureaucrat lost in paperwork, or a cat in an empty refrigerator.

‘Just Blue Skies and Unbridled Panic Above $100K!’ Declares Analyst—Probably

Checkmate (no relation to chess or Dostoyevsky) has taken to the electronic town square known as X, dragging with him a heatmap that looks suspiciously like it was pinched off an over-zealous meteorologist. This scandalous diagram reveals where crowds of hopeful investors bought Bitcoins, each dreaming of Lamborghinis, yachts, or simply escaping their in-laws’ basements.

The heatmap glows with a menacing red—no, not from the fires of revolution, but from so many trapped souls waiting to “break even.” Like peasants besieging the Winter Palace, they’re poised to dump their coins the second the price returns to their entry point. This, my friends, is what Wall Street calls a “supply cluster,” and everyone else calls “my luck, as usual.”

Once, or should we say if, Bitcoin vaults over $100,000—a number so round and shiny you’d think it was a Fabergé egg—the supply thins out. Few historical buyers hold coins above that threshold, suggesting that the skies are indeed as blue and pure as an uncorked bottle of Stolichnaya. Of course, that also means there’s no safety net if things go badly, but why spoil a good fantasy with practicality?

As our prophet Checkmate noted with the optimism of a man who’s never seen a bear market, a breakout above $100,000 would mean nothing but unchained euphoria and parabolic chart scribblings. Or if the opposite occurs: protracted boredom and memes about sideways movement for weeks, possibly months (bring a book).

Current Bitcoin Shenanigans

At this very hour, Bitcoin sits sullenly at $96,680—a number neither fish nor fowl, no more inspiring than the fourth slice of stale black bread in a Lubyanka cafeteria. The price hasn’t budged all day, leading one to wonder if it’s asleep or merely pretending for tax purposes. Still, on the weekly ledger, BTC struts with a 2% gain, which is more than you can say for most savings accounts—unless you keep your deposits beneath a corrupt mayor’s mattress.

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2025-05-04 00:05