Washington in Uproar: Senators Flee as Trump-Linked Crypto Bill Wobbles! 🤯💸

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In the wintry corridors of Congress, beneath the dust-laden arches and the ceaselessly whispering drafts, Senator Elizabeth Warren, her spectacles agleam with both indignation and what some whispered to be an ironic twinkle, cast her gaze sharply upon the bill known as the exalted GENIUS Act. “Crypto corruption,” she uttered—not with the fury of a tempest but with the resignation of one observing a slow-moving train carrying earnest lawmakers straight toward a cliffside marked ‘digital folly.’

Now, this bill—Guiding and Establishing National Innovation for US Stablecoins—had arrived in Washington presented as the innovation of the century. Senators across party lines, intoxicated by bipartisan cheer, had initially flocked to its support, behind banners reading ‘Progress’ and perhaps ‘Might as Well Try It.’ Yet as quickly as a fortune lost at the roulette wheel, at least ten senators—sufferers of sudden enlightenment—began to back away, muttering anxiously about money laundering and the spectacle of national security trotting out its usual wardrobe of threats. Perhaps they had actually read the fine print.

Ascending Tokens and Flaming Pitchforks

Of all the voices echoing through the hall, Warren’s was sharpest, likened by some to a woman scolding her wayward nephews for playing with fireworks in the cellar. She brandished, as evidence, the curious dealings of World Liberty Financial (WLFI)—a house of finance with an address suspiciously close to the former executive mansion—and MGX, a name as mysterious as an unopened Russian novel, headquartered in the ever-sunny United Arab Emirates.

WLFI’s invention, the USD1 stablecoin, became the subject of much dinner-table conversation after a $2 billion princely offering from Binance sent its value into a frothy exuberance—becoming the seventh marvel among stablecoins, or at least the seventh largest, which is perhaps a similar kind of miracle in the blockchain age. Warren gestured to this spectacle, lamenting the apparent result: “The market, like an over-caffeinated horse, has bolted!” she seemed to declare, in so many words not found in Hansard.

The Trump family’s stablecoin ascends, not by merit, but by virtue of a crypto pas de deux with the very government whose climate is as sunny as its regulations are foggy. The sum? A “crazy amount of money”—which, in Washington, is possibly only rivaled by the cost of a new highway between committee rooms.

This week, the Senate should exercise the rarest of virtues and do nothing at all. Especially not pass a bill that greases the rails for crypto shenanigans.

— Elizabeth Warren (@SenWarren) May 4, 2025

That the Trump family might soon be found awash in lucre was, to Warren, as surprising as snow in a Moscow spring—and about as welcome. Her conclusion, addressed to X (formerly known as Twitter, before it too was rebranded by the muses of high finance), was as dry as week-old rye: let sleeping bills lie.

Support for GENIUS: Now Evaporated Like Vodka at a Russian Wedding

The hearty throng behind GENIUS is now thinning at a pace matched only by the queue for cabbage soup at winter’s end. Even Ruben Gallego—previously counted among the faithful—has picked up his coat and hat. The remaining senators, peering anxiously at the legislation, mutter about its opaque definitions, the alarming absence of meaningful penalties, and the lurking specter of foreign influences slipping through loopholes large enough to fit a bear (or at least a well-fed lobbyist).

NEW: Senator @RubenGallego, who once supported the bill, has now joined nine others to protest its latest incarnation. Their letter of rejection is as long as a Russian train, and possibly as slow-moving.

— Eleanor Terrett (@EleanorTerrett) May 3, 2025

WLFI Postpones Exchange Listing (and Faints Upon the Sofa)

Poor WLFI! The grand ball they had prepared for USD1’s listing on major exchanges is now postponed, the orchestra dismissed and the cake untouched. Regulatory clarity—surely another Russian novel in the making—remains elusive, and the parlor games in Washington have left the would-be aristocrat of stablecoins watching from the window, while Tether and others dance gaily in the candlelight.

What is to become of this Trumpian crypto dream? For the moment, it appears less Tolstoyan epic and more farcical chapter in the annals of unfinished reforms.

The House Awaits; The People Wait Even Longer

The GENIUS Act, once hailed as the answer to a question nobody could quite remember, now hovers in legislative limbo. The House, which had planned a May vote, must instead busy itself with other matters—such as determining whether the cafeteria’s soup is fit for human consumption. Meanwhile, the Trump administration is said to be “disappointed,” though perhaps not entirely surprised.

Opponents, gleefully multiplying, press their advantage, raising questions with the fervor of students on examination day. With the bill’s backers in retreat and critics growing bold, it now appears the GENIUS Act may be consigned to the shelf of legislative curiosities—at least, until someone discovers a way to make truly honest money from a stablecoin. That, as even Tolstoy might say, would be a miracle indeed. 🚂💵

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2025-05-05 16:52