Well, folks, hold onto your digital wallets because this week’s recap is a wild rollercoaster through the bizarre world of cryptocurrency. If you thought your grandma’s knitting club was intense, wait till you hear about corporations hoarding Bitcoin like their lives depend on it—each throwing over $900 million into the digital abyss. It’s like Monopoly, but with more billionaires and fewer rules.
In a surprising turn of events—shocking, really—El Salvador and Pakistan decided, “Hey, let’s buy more crypto” despite the International Monetary Fund (IMF) giving them the side-eye. Who needs stability when you can have a country on the blockchain? 🤷♂️
Meanwhile, Circle is filing for an IPO because apparently, nothing screams “trustworthy investment” like a company with a name that sounds like a financial yoga pose. OpenSea upgraded its platform, making it look all shiny and new—probably to distract from the fact that the NFT bubble might just pop like a plastic balloon. Coinbase, in its typical return-to-SF fashion, is back in the city by the bay, maybe to remind us all of what was once cool before crypto became the new cryptocurrency.
India’s crypto scene: from skeptics to maybe, sort of, kind of interested?
- Apparently, Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s government is warming up to digital assets—possibly because they’ve realized that India’s population is too large to ignore, or maybe because Donald Trump’s return to the White House convinced them everyone wants a piece of the crypto pie. According to the Financial Times, industry insiders say things are looking up for crypto regulations in India—fingers crossed, or not, depending on your trust in politicians.
El Salvador’s Bitcoin love story continues—IMF be damned
- Despite the IMF’s stern warnings—”Stop buying Bitcoin or else”—El Salvador bought eight more BTC this week. Because what’s a little international pressure when you can hold nearly 6,200 Bitcoins and still have no idea what to do with them?
GameStop makes a bold play with Bitcoin—because why not?
- The beloved video game retailer announced it bought 4,710 Bitcoin, hinting that maybe they’re finally realizing that stocks are boring and that owning a digital asset is *so* much more exciting. No details on when or how much, but hey, it’s GameStop, so expect a lot of mystery and maybe some nostalgia for the days when meme stocks ruled the world.
Telegram goes on a borrowing spree—because messaging apps can’t get enough cash
- The platform raised $1.5 billion through fancy-sounding convertible bonds—basically, loans with a side of uncertainty. They plan to use most of the money to buy back bonds maturing in 2026, because nothing says stability like gambling on future debt.
OpenSea’s shiny new upgrade: trading on 19 blockchains—because what could go wrong?
- The NFT marketplace unveiled OpenSea2, a platform so revamped it could’ve been their New Year’s resolution. Now, you can trade tokens across 19 blockchains—surely, this will simplify everything, except perhaps your emotional attachment to that $3,000 JPEG of a pixelated monkey.
SEC and Binance: partners in… ending a lawsuit?
- In a move as surprising as finding out your favorite band is now a cover band, the SEC dropped its lawsuit against Binance. No explanations, just a joint motion to end the legal circus. Maybe they’re waiting for the crypto version of “The End?”
Thailand shuts down access to crypto exchanges—because regulation is *so* popular
- As of June 28, traders in Thailand can no longer access Bybit, CoinEx, OKX, 1000X, or XT.com. Apparently, local authorities decided that having proper licensing is just too much effort—saving the world, one blocked exchange at a time.
FTX’s creditors start getting their share—the debt party continues
- For those still holding out hope, FTX has begun distributing about $5 billion in payouts—presumably to keep the creditors from staging a riot. It’s part of the bankruptcy plan, which now resembles a never-ending soap opera with more plot twists than a Netflix thriller.
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2025-06-01 22:09