You Won’t Believe Semler’s Grand Plan: 105,000 Bitcoins and a New ‘Crypto Wizard’

by

What to know:

  • Semler Scientific (which sounds like the name of a minor Galifreyan bureaucracy, doesn’t it?) hired Joe Burnett, now officially ‘Director of Bitcoin Strategy,’ a job title even Marvin the Paranoid Android would envy (and then moan about for hours).
  • Semler wants to jump from 4,449 bitcoin—already worth more than the GDP of a small moon—to a tastefully understated 10,000 by the end of 2025, followed by a totally reasonable 105,000 by 2027. Because what’s a few hundred million between friends? 🤷‍♂️
  • Despite having enough bitcoin to make a Vogon recite poetry, SMLR shares have performed about as well as a hyperactive dodo at a T-Rex tea party, down a staggering 50% from their 2025 high, even as bitcoin itself has soared. Oopsie.

Nobody is entirely sure what a ‘Director of Bitcoin Strategy’ does, but Joe Burnett is now that person at Semler Scientific (SMLR), where just months ago the firm bravely declared bitcoin their “primary treasury reserve asset.” A bold move—right up there with wearing a tea cosy as a hat and declaring it intergalactic fashion week.

The company currently controls 4,449 bitcoin, valued at somewhere between “are you joking?” and “seriously, check the maths,” which equates to about $462 million if you squint at the conversion rate. Their new plan? Own at least 10,000 bitcoin by this year’s end, then leap to 42,000 in 2026, and just saunter up to 105,000 by the end of 2027. Because if you’re going to tilt at windmills, make sure they’re also giant piggy banks.

Chairman Eric Semler, channeling the optimism of a man who has never heard of Murphy’s Law, stated: “We’re thrilled to have Joe fuel our totally-reasonable-and-not-at-all-manic three-year plan.” Apparently, Joe Burnett is an “analytical thought leader on Bitcoin and Bitcoin treasury companies”—which sounds both terrifically impressive and slightly like a job invented so your parents would stop asking you what you actually do all day.

Joe’s CV includes making the case for Bitcoin as “the world’s most advanced form of monetary technology.” Previous roles include director of market research at a company called Unchained, presumably not a reference to the melody being more singable in F major than crypto-minor.

Investors, ever on the lookout for the next shiny thing, responded by sending SMLR shares up 14% on Friday—proving yet again that nobody really understands why markets move, they just do, usually when you’re not looking. Bitcoin, of course, dipped back under $104,000, because timeliness is for mortals, not cryptocurrencies.

The celebratory mood rather skips past SMLR’s ongoing woes: the shares remain down 33% year-to-date, and more than 50% off their 2025 high (a number now mostly used to frighten junior analysts). The company’s market cap now hovers near the value of the bitcoin it owns—making it awkward for raising more money via share sales. After all, if your shares are, in a fit of pique, less valuable than your crypto stash, who wants to swap them for cash?

With Burnett’s arrival and ambitions set to SpaceX levels, Semler might get creative—think “raise capital like Saylor” or perhaps persuade an eccentric billionaire to just wire-transfer his loose pocket change. Someone alert the Hitchhiker’s Guide’s accounting department: things are about to get weird, loud, and probably a bit illogical. 🪙🚀

Read More

2025-06-20 20:40