A Heartbreaking Rift of Staggering Intensity: Toph Eggers on His Estrangement From Brother Dave

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In my humble opinion, Toph’s life journey is a testament to resilience and self-discovery. His experiences, particularly his estrangement from his brother Dave, have shaped him into a strong individual who values authenticity and personal boundaries above all else.

Partnerships between Hollywood writers often disintegrate due to various factors such as creative clashes, interpersonal issues, or uneven work distributions. For instance, the well-known author Dave Eggers and his younger brother Toph, who had a history of collaborations, might have experienced a rift in their relationship primarily because of underlying, more profound troubles.

Toph, after spending numerous years in a specific relationship with Dave, found no flaws in him. However, when I eventually spotted his imperfections, my perspective changed drastically,” Toph shared during multiple extended meals at diners and delis scattered throughout Los Angeles’ Eastside.

25 years ago, I burst onto the literary scene with “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius“, a memoir about raising my brother Toph after we both lost our parents to cancer within weeks. This book became a defining moment for my generation, known for its humorous yet raw style, as demonstrated in the title and the free-flowing prose. It also delved wittily into ’90s youth culture, catapulting me into the exclusive group of young authors like Jack Kerouac, Bret Easton Ellis, and more recently, Sally Rooney, whose work propelled them to stardom. I even came close to being on “The Real World: San Francisco”, but cartoonist Judd Winick beat me to it.

In the novel, Dave portrayed Toph (a nickname for Christopher) as an innocent, symbolizing hope. However, at 41 years old, Toph feels weary and wronged, and to some extent, he holds Dave responsible. Toph’s story is shaped by decades of therapy, both his personal experiences and his ongoing education to become a licensed therapist. “I’ve delved into every aspect of my life through therapy,” he states, “from managing family issues to navigating work stress, dealing with grief, and even contemplating suicide.

Following the release of “A Heartbreaking Work“, the siblings gained significant popularity among Hollywood production executives who appreciated their unique combination of raw creativity, emotional depth, and marketable originality. Frequently, in-demand Dave would turn to Topher, his creative partner and brother, for collaboration. As Topher puts it, “For 30 years, we were essentially the same individual.

Ever since college, I, Toph, decided to move to the Eastside. It was here that I found out my brother’s memoir had catapulted me into a niche celebrity status – at least among certain circles. As I put it, if you frequented Skylight Books, there was a very high likelihood you recognized my name. And if I happened to be anywhere else? Well, the chances were about as slim as 0.0003%. In the late 2000s, my romantic life even made headlines on the media gossip site Gawker; these days, I’m single and childless.

Over the last ten years, Toph has generally preferred not to communicate with his brother, accepting that they might never talk again. He attributes this distance, in part, to professional disagreements, which he refers to as “some unusual business complications” between them. However, he believes their estrangement primarily stems from the publication of the memoir and its subsequent fallout.

Dave’s book was frequently praised for its bold disclosures, such as admitting its own contradictions and even including real phone numbers of friends. However, as Toph points out, despite this apparent commitment to honesty, Dave hid something significant from his readers: the depiction of their sister Beth, who was battling suicidal thoughts. Toph feels that this hidden portrayal caused her pain and has haunted him ever since, especially during his own struggles with mental health and his subsequent training as a therapist specializing in grief counseling. “He didn’t have control over how much of his life was exposed,” says Lauren Steury, a friend and fellow student in Toph’s clinical psychology program, “and that’s challenging.

In a well-known fashion, A Heartbreaking Work preemptively addressed potential critics with self-effacing humor and insightful commentary. Moreover, it underscored the indestructible bond between the brothers amid their sorrow as a protective shield – a facet that Toph now questions. “He fortified his life against criticism,” he remarks, “except for me. I’m the loose end.” Toph, who recently spoke out to The Hollywood Reporter after years of feeling muted, further states, “I believe that since he published Heartbreaking Work, my public speaking has been his deepest fear.

***

At age 30, Dave’s published memoir catapulted him into an emblematic figure of his ironic era. His obsession with authenticity and constant self-revelation positioned him as a forerunner. The book reached the peak of The New York Times‘ best-sellers list, was a nominee for the Pulitzer Prize, and critics hailed him as a generational prodigy. As one critic from The Washington Post put it, “Eggers captures the terrible beauty of youth with the intensity of a young Bob Dylan, boiling over with furious passion.

Despite not achieving the cultural impact as before, Dave continues to release works of reported nonfiction, children’s books with illustrations, and literary novels that receive both commercial and critical success. Notable among these is his tech-dystopia satire titled “The Circle“. This novel was adapted into a film named after it, starring Tom Hanks, and its ban in certain South Dakota schools led to the creation of an MSNBC documentary.

Apart from his accomplishments as an author, Dave has also earned screenwriting credits for various films such as “The Circle”, “Away We Go”, the dramedy “Where the Wild Things Are” directed by Spike Jonze, and “Promised Land” by Gus Van Sant, featuring Matt Damon. Moreover, he’s created a string of influential independent publishing platforms including the esteemed McSweeney’s, and literary-focused nonprofit initiatives. Toph remarks that his humanitarian efforts serve as a protective shield: “You’d have to be a real jerk to challenge him.” He’s often spotted at Tribeca film premieres, Vanity Fair Oscar parties, or engaged in discussions with Barack Obama at foundation events.

Toph’s initial ventures into Hollywood were triggered by his brother’s memoir, which Universal purchased for a reported $2 million in film rights. The project had been generating buzz, with Steven Soderbergh slated to direct and Jake Gyllenhaal considering the role of Dave. Nick Hornby, fresh from writing ‘About a Boy’, had made an unsuccessful attempt at drafting a script. At the time, Toph, a UC Berkeley student with a passion for film, proposed collaborating with his brother on their own adaptation. “I thought to myself, ‘I can leverage my position,'” he reminisced later. However, studio executives ultimately rejected the siblings’ version and let the book option expire.

Despite being sought-after by creative leaders, Dave frequently brought Toph on board as a partner for diverse tasks. Their collaborations spanned several domains – they created a music video for the group Arcade Fire, a Cartoon Network pilot revolving around alien animals chatting, an unconventional improv short directed by Dave featuring James Franco wrecking a room (specifically Toph’s), leaving behind destruction of furniture and holes in walls. Reflecting on this now, Toph admits, “It was difficult for me to grasp that I could feel angry with Dave.

Toph endeavored to establish his own entertainment career, juggling various jobs in Los Angeles over the years – such as assisting, food delivery, Frisbee coaching, rideshare driving, bowling alley work, focus group participation, and once even working as a production assistant on the set of ‘Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story’. (“John C. Reilly treated me like an uninvited paparazzi,” he chuckles, “as if I was a nuisance invading his space.”) He produced videos for ‘Funny or Die’ and occasionally secured writing positions, with some assistance from Dave’s connections, on projects including a brief-lived animated show on FXX and a Josh Schwartz web series.

Despite some setbacks, Toph’s account of his Hollywood journey is filled with surreal elements and humility – resembling a modern take on the character from Barton Fink. “At one stage,” he admits, “I was even a finalist for the Sundance Lab. There was an extensive interview. I simply provided the wrong answers to every question. ‘Why is it crucial that your film gets made?’ I responded, ‘It’s a comedy! It doesn’t need to be made.’ Essentially, I sabotaged myself.

After multiple endeavors in business didn’t succeed as planned – such as a film adaption for Paramount based on a children’s book series he co-created with Dave, and a buddy comedy initially slated at Fox Searchlight inspired by his real-life experience house-sitting for Jimmy Kimmel – the situation became too much for him. The latter project, unfortunately, dissolved when, following advice from industry mentors, he transformed the script around David Copperfield, hoping to win the magician’s approval and secure funding that ultimately didn’t materialize.

The project closest to his heart was a potential series loosely inspired by his own life, which was initially under consideration at Alcon Entertainment, with the creator of “Arrested Development,” Mitch Hurwitz, as a partner. Although it didn’t progress much, this concept imagined the interaction between Toph and Dave in a fictional context. As he describes it, there was an almost “There Will Be Blood” dynamic at play, with an older man and a younger figure. He elaborates that in this dramatization, his brother’s stand-in was portrayed as something like a Tony Robbins figure, promoting idealized perspectives on child rearing. (In “A Heartbreaking Work,” Dave had written of Toph: “His brain is my laboratory, my depository… He is my twenty-four-hour classroom, my captive audience.”)

Despite the termination of the project, Dave felt disappointed upon hearing the news. “It was as if an entire task list had vanished,” Toph remarks, his tone weary.

Dave chose not to talk about this topic or respond to Toph’s claims, instead he had his lawyer, Jonathan Bass, and the publisher of McSweeney’s, Amanda Uhle, contact the editors to try and stop the story. In a communication with THR, Bass stated that Toph’s feelings were “mixed up” and “twisted,” and argued that a series of long articles I wrote about Dave in high school, 25 years ago, which focused on his impact in the literary world at that time, make me unsuitable to write about him now as it suggests an “alarming level of interest” and an “unusual fixation” on Dave Eggers. Uhle made similar objections regarding my previous reporting.

A little while before the deadline, Toph shared an email from Dave with everyone, labeling my old articles as “stalking” and accusing my blog of causing people to wait outside his house, monitoring what he ate and wore daily. He claimed that this had made him temporarily leave the country. He asked Toph to halt any contact with me, stating that he had informed the authorities about my attempts to reach him for comments regarding this piece, and hinted that a restraining order would soon be issued, warning, “Toph, I can’t stress enough how perilous this circumstance has become.

Toph wasn’t taken aback when he learned that Uhle asserted Dave had implemented “extraordinary security and privacy precautions for many years” due to Toph’s old news coverage. “I never revealed our full name even to the pizza delivery guy when we lived together,” he explains about his brother, implying it wasn’t because of Toph, but simply how Dave was.

***

In 2014, Toph secured an agreement for his personal memoir. Upon learning this, Dave penned a heartfelt letter reflecting on their late sister Beth’s life and passing. One section read, “I vividly recall her infectious laughter,” reminiscing about her remarkable sense of humor.

In essence, Toph views the document he sent to THR as an attempt by Dave to maintain control over the joint Eggers narrative. As Toph puts it, “Dave needs to be the authoritative voice in any story or about anyone from our family.” He explains that since Toph might have his own account, Dave reacted by saying, “Let me clarify: I know this story better than you. Before you start telling your version, let me remind you that I’ve got a clearer understanding of it.” This attempt to sway the project was the last straw for Toph, eventually leading him to abandon the memoir entirely.

In 2000, while I was covering Dave’s book “A Heartbreaking Work,” Beth reached out to me that spring to challenge the content. Her main concerns were that her extensive care duties for Toph in the Bay Area and, prior to their passing, her parents who were terminally ill in Chicago, were not adequately represented in what she perceived as Dave’s self-centered narrative. At that time, their parents had already passed away, leaving Toph at the age of 8, while Dave was 21 and Beth was 23. Their eldest brother Bill, who was employed in another city and maintains a close relationship with both brothers, chose not to speak with THR.

A few months past, Beth retracted her criticisms in a post on McSweeney’s, expressing that she’d never had any issues with the book. She dismissed her previous criticism as typical of a “jealous sibling.” Underneath her statement, Dave made a public plea, speaking for both himself and Toph: “We implore for less hostility.” Toph now suggests that Dave played a significant role in Beth’s apology, noting the similarity in writing style. “[Dave] has a distinctive tone,” he remarks, highlighting a witty self-deprecating line in Beth’s retraction about having “a terrible La Toya Jackson moment”: “Beth wouldn’t have made that comment in an apology letter.

The next year, Beth passed away in Northern California, reportedly due to a drug overdose. This incident was ruled as a suicide by the coroner. Later on, Dave dedicated his first published book to her.

Beth spent her later years constantly seeking help for depression at various treatment facilities. Dave and Bill took charge of her care, while Toph, attending a boarding school on the East Coast, was kept unaware of her struggles. Therefore, it came as a surprise when she passed away, Toph admits. He concurs with his sister’s later evaluation that her impact on his upbringing had been significantly undervalued.

Toph thinks that his brother’s choice to dramatize Beth’s difficulties using a fictional character named “John,” who symbolized her downward spiral and anger towards it, might have intensified Beth’s problems as depicted in the memoir. Additionally, Toph claims that this veiling was clear to their close friends. (In the book, an indirect reference to Beth is made, primarily through brief mentions.)

He clarifies that the book didn’t cause her demise, but he feels Beth might have been wounded by the representation. To him, witnessing her sibling achieve immense acclaim and accrued admiration for discussing their shared struggles – when she was preoccupied with concerns about occupying too much attention herself – seemed distressing to Beth.

When I was around 30 years old, I found myself deeply moved by Dave’s portrayal of “John” in his writing, as I had personally experienced some severe mental health issues. Hearing about John’s struggle resonated strongly with me, and it felt almost like a mirror reflection. As I grappled with my own challenges, I couldn’t help but think that Dave might have seen some of myself in John at that time. And on another note, had we met during those tough times, I believe Beth and I would have made great companions, standing side by side as allies in understanding and support.

***

Dave’s book stood out a quarter-century ago due to its honesty and firm stance on the boundaries of truth in memoirs. However, over time, numerous prominent examples of this genre have been either discredited or reevaluated: such as “A Million Little Pieces”, “Running With Scissors”, and “Three Cups of Tea”. Similarly, documentaries and stories based on real events (memoir’s creative relatives) are now under closer examination.

For quite some time now, Toph has pondered whether his brother’s decision to include him in their shared story might have been part of a larger plan for material in his memoir. While Toph doesn’t have many arguments about the accuracy of his brother’s memoir, he does express frustration over being portrayed as merely a sidekick character, used for emotional moments and humorous interludes. Some suggestions he made to alter certain aspects, primarily to prevent awkwardness – such as removing a playful anecdote about his fear during a childhood game of spin the bottle – were disregarded.

Toph’s primary concern, beyond how Beth represents her character, is that he perceives the book, as a mature individual who has spent years dealing with his own therapy following the untimely deaths of his parents, to promote an incorrect and damaging viewpoint about trauma and its aftermath. He describes it as being “optimistically hopeful,” which he believes embodies a refined form of harmful optimism. He argues that the memoir propagates the notion that if you escape grief and pain quickly, you’ll be fine. However, he suggests that his own life, deeply influenced by Dave, demonstrates that this is not true – “no,” he asserts, “it eventually catches up with you, and it hits harder when it does – harder than if you had addressed things at the time.

Toph says two Hollywood productions have been cathartic for him. One is the Oscar best picture-winning Ordinary People, the 1980 drama about how grief fractures familial bonds — set in suburban Lake Forest, Illinois, the Eggers’ hometown. “Dave’s the Mary Tyler Moore mom: a denialist about what’s happening while the kid is trying to express stuff,” he explains. The other is Netflix’s critically acclaimed 2018 adaptation of The Haunting of Hill House, in which a man becomes a successful author after writing a best-selling book that pains his siblings for what they believe is its flawed telling of their shared past trauma. “That one’s like a one-to-one [comparison],” says Toph. “Even just the way he acts so defiant and defensive about it.”

As a gamer immersed in the world of “A Heartbreaking Work,” I find myself captivated by its psychological depth rather than its literary elegance. For me, it’s less about the story and more about understanding the characters’ psyches. To put it simply, this book feels like an open diary of the author’s inner struggles. He questions, “Why did I write this book? Why do I crave attention and empathy?” The answers are there, but they’re not truly explored, even though they seem to be. It’s as if he’s airing his feelings without really grappling with them. They’re just laid out on the page.

***

For the past ten years, Dave, who occasionally offered monetary support to Toph, has made multiple efforts to resolve any issues between them. In a letter that Toph shared with THR, Dave suggests his brother might be harboring resentment because “he’s still uncovering” and feels that they are not at the same emotional stage in dealing with grief. Dave admits he suspected Toph had been scrutinizing their late sister Beth’s life, as well as their own family history, and empathized with the strong emotions involved. However, he also noted that since he went through this process 15-20 years earlier, his detachment may appear as “coldness” to Toph. Dave acknowledged that he was aware of Toph’s emotional turmoil and emphasized their many shared experiences. He claimed to understand “as much as I could” what Toph was feeling despite the differences in their perspectives on the situation.

Toph disagrees. “He authored the book,” he remarks, “but that doesn’t mean he dealt with his grief; he didn’t.” He considers [“A Heartbreaking Work”] as a manual for suppressing emotions, for burying feelings deep within, and for pretending they don’t exist.

Toph has rejected his brother Dave’s requests, such as the idea they consult a family counselor: “What he sought was an intermediary. My response was that he should tackle his own therapy before considering it. He was taken aback by my suggestion.” To Toph, Dave aims to repair their broken relationship without addressing the underlying issues. “He needs to truly recognize the influence of the book,” Toph states plainly, insisting that at times Dave has shifted blame for their strife onto Toph’s friends, his therapist, and the supposedly expanding trend of ‘no contact’ disconnection. “Don’t attempt to contradict my truth. It’s about honoring my boundaries and not challenging my personal journey.” Steury describes Toph as having gained self-assurance.

At some point, I asked Toph about his tattoos. He shared the meanings behind them: one represents a concept written by Cheryl Strayed in her book Wild, about embracing life’s messiness, which resonated with him. “Growing up, we were taught to clean up or disregard things as quickly as possible,” he explained. The other tattoo is the initials of Beth, styled as a lightning bolt.

The third element illustrates the Buddhist idea known as the second arrow. This principle suggests that our response to challenging, uncomfortable circumstances – the first arrow – is largely within our control. He emphasized, “That’s already happened,” stating its significance for him.

This story appeared in the Nov. 20 issue of The Hollywood Reporter magazine. Click here to subscribe.

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2024-11-20 17:56