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Behold: Brian Armstrong, unflappable CEO of Coinbase (his head gleaming brighter than a freshly minted Dogecoin), ascended his virtual soapbox Tuesday. His message? A clarion call to the esteemed lawmakers—who are, of course, distracted by the grandeur of election-year posturing and buffet tables—to please, for the love of digital sanity, pass some crypto laws before August. Armstrong, the patron saint of stablecoins (or at least self-appointed deputy), sang his plea on X, that great town square where pronouncements vie for glory with cat memes.
Here’s Armstrong’s latest sonnet:

This humble metric, beloved by traders and investors alike, serves as a measuring stick of Bitcoin’s reign over its smaller, weaker cousins – the altcoins. Over the past few months, Bitcoin has slowly but surely crept up like an old man who knows exactly where the gold is buried. It has risen from a mere 48% dominance to an awe-inspiring 65%, pulling the strings of the entire crypto market as if it were an omnipotent puppet master.

With the faith in Wall Street whittled down to a husk, the crypto proletariat gathers. They find comfort in Bitcoin, that most unpredictable and misunderstood of miracles, resilient not because it is loved, but because it does not care if it is hated.

On a recent digital stage hosted by that perennial YouTube oracle, Ran Neuner, Hayes unveils his prediction like a magician reluctantly yanking a rabbit napkin from Janet Yellen’s purse. Central banks, he claims, will unleash a flood of manufactured money—the sort that makes your wallet go “whoosh” overnight—to patch up the dowdy dress of macroeconomic instability, and thereby launch Bitcoin and its wobbly kin skyward on a rollercoaster which, by all logic, shouldn’t really exist. 🎢

Meanwhile, the rest of the crypto world is doing its best impression of a rollercoaster ride—downhill. Investors are getting a little nervous as the markets are hit with waves of price volatility. 🌀 The bulls seem to be taking a vacation, and even the almighty Shiba Inu has had to crawl back down to its previous lows. In fact, it’s down 8.93% in the past week, according to CoinMarketCap.