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Since April 2024, Metaplanet’s approach has been simple: “See Bitcoin, buy Bitcoin.” There must be a giant red “Acquire More” button in the office (next to the espresso machine), because the company has transformed the dull business of holding cash into an Olympic sport of collecting cryptocurrency. The result? Its stock price pulled off a spectacular somersault and grew more than 15 times in less than a year—leaving traditional investors and mathematicians with simultaneous heart palpitations and existential questions.

Blocks pop up on TRON every three seconds, with more reliability than my attempts at avoiding carbs. Apparently, not only is TRON now outperforming Bitcoin in some key metrics (who knew?), but it’s also nearly nabbing a daily high score by missing out on just 12 blocks per day. Honestly, if my phone battery were 99.7% efficient, I’d be untouchable.

It all began on January 19, when, in a move that could only be described as ‘timing is everything,’ a select few digital wallets—about two dozen, give or take a few—scooped up a mountain of tokens just minutes before the memecoin was publicly announced. They must have been working off some sort of psychic hotline to Melania’s social media posts, as the token’s value skyrocketed the moment her tweet hit the internet.

Interest rates are pretty much staying put, meaning your savings account will keep buying you approximately one latte per year. Analysts expect some price wobbles in the next 48 hours, which I’m pretty sure is just code for “everyone panic, but only slightly.”

In the chronicles of X (which, in Tolstoy’s times, would be a dusty letter never delivered), Martinez spoke with the gravity of a man who’s gazed into the abyss of price charts and found the abyss gazing back with dollar signs in its eyes. He insisted, with the obstinacy of a landowner clinging to the past, that unless Bitcoin garrisons itself atop the “most critical” level of $93,198, it shall experience a fall none too gentle, as if the financial gods had tired of this digital serfdom and sent us all back to the soil.