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The investors are, naturally, glued to the ticker, watching Pi Network’s price with the intensity of a cat stalking a particularly delectable canary. It once soared to $3, a veritable Icarus of the crypto world, before plummeting back to earth. One can almost hear the collective sigh of disappointment. Many are urging the Pi Core team to perform some sort of alchemical miracle, perhaps involving token burns. One wonders if they’ve considered sacrificing a few digital goats as well. 🐐

In his latest musings, shared with the world through the hallowed halls of Bloomberg and the ever-charming platform X, Mike McGlone has taken a scalpel to the fragile anatomy of cryptocurrencies, revealing their vulnerabilities amidst the tempest of macroeconomic chaos. President Trump’s tariff tantrums have stirred the pot, sending both stocks and digital assets tumbling like a clumsy dancer at a ball. 🎭

According to a rumor on the Financial Times grapevine, Tether is gearing up to roll out a stablecoin just for the good ol’ USA. This could actually be groundbreaking, as they’ve kept their services for Americans about as exclusive as a high-end speakeasy. Who knows, they might even start offering complimentary napkin sketches of the Statue of Liberty with each transaction. 🗽

So, Coinbase, that digital piggy bank for the technologically enlightened, decided to throw its hat into the XRP futures ring. Because apparently, we didn’t have enough ways to lose money in crypto already! 🎰 They’re launching something called XRL contracts, where each one represents 10,000 XRP – or as I like to call it, “enough digital tokens to make my sister Amy question my life choices.” Coming to a trading screen near you in April 2025, just in time for my next existential crisis.

Today, the esteemed Board of Governors at the Fed will huddle like a bunch of poker players in a dimly lit saloon, contemplating if a rate cut is in the cards. It seems the ghosts of monetary policy past are sending shivers through those wooden floors. 🃏