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In a stunningly pragmatic move, Acting CFTC Commissioner Caroline Pham declared that 24/7 trading would allow market participants to react instantly to those pesky weekend surprises. Apparently, the real danger is the wild, untamed weekends where risk managers must either act quickly or face a financial apocalypse. Because what else could be more unpredictable than the weekend? A meteor strike? A time warp? Probably both, if we’re being honest.

Meanwhile, Pump.fun, the Solana-based platform with a serious obsession for making millions in tokens and millions more in profit—like a digital Piggy Bank on steroids—thought, “Hey, why not challenge Elon to a meme-coin duel? It’s the internet’s equivalent of a pie fight, but with more blockchain.”

Crypto Bullet, who clearly spends too much time gazing at candles and dreaming, predicted ETH’s dazzling ascent to $3,300 thanks to a mysterious “Morningstar Candle” pattern—no, not the breakfast kind, sadly. Apparently, ETH’s monthly close was so bullish it could make a bear weep. The resistance at $2,500? Pfft, just a speed bump! Next stop: $3,300, where ETH is planning to strut its stuff. Meanwhile, Ash Crypto, the hero of bullishness, is waving his flag about ETH’s Wyckoff dance, confidently pointing to a glorious surge that might even hit a magical $4,000 or, dare we say, $10,000? Because why not plaster a unicorn on it? 🦄

Circle, in an act that could only be described as “ daring or downright reckless,” decided to launch its IPO on the NYSE. This was like tossing a flaming torch into a fireworks factory. And the market? It didn’t bother to blink.

Under the scheme, the Alpine extravaganza will happily trade crypto tidbits with all European Union nations, the U.K., and most of the G20 gang — but, hold your horses, the U.S. and Saudi Arabia are snubbing the whole shindig, perhaps busy counting their gold or something equally thrilling. 💸