‘If I Had Legs I’d Kick You’ Review: Rose Byrne Gives a Tour de Force Performance in Impressively Sustained but Taxing Motherhood Nightmare

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The typical vision of a Hamptons homemaker might be someone akin to a Nancy Meyers character: wealthy, successful, and enmeshed in romantic turmoil amidst her elegantly designed coastal property. However, Linda, portrayed by the exceptional Rose Byrne as a Montauk psychologist in Mary Bronstein’s film “If I Had Legs I’d Kick You“, is far from this stereotype. Instead, Linda embodies an unending reservoir of stress, unfazed by the reassurances of a family therapist who cautions against the self-destructive cycle of guilt and blame often referred to as “the thinking trap.

The primary reason Linda’s anxiety spirals like a whirling dervish is her daughter Delaney Quinn’s enigmatic, seemingly incurable illness. This girl, who remains unnamed, is mostly heard but not seen, except when attached to an intravenous feeding tube or dangling her feet from the toilet during floods in the family bathroom. The flooding extends to the upper floor, causing a significant hole in the downstairs living room ceiling that seeps strange substances and functions as a gateway to Lynchian images of the vast emptiness.

As I navigate through this chaotic scene, it’s hard to decide what’s the oddest: Linda’s breakdown, that wild hamster determined to break free from its cage, or the wailing infant left in my care after Caroline, one of Linda’s patients, freaks out and abandons him? And let’s not forget about the bizarre opening I found in my apartment, which looks distressingly like a hole.

Since Charles, Linda’s husband who is a cruise captain, is currently away at sea (a quick cameo!), Linda is left to take care of their unwell daughter and attend to her demanding patients, all while coordinating with a contractor regarding the ceiling repair. However, the contractor seems to be making minimal progress on the job before abruptly leaving due to an emergency in his family or possibly because he finds it challenging to deal with Linda’s persistent urgency.

When contacted by phone, Charles defends himself with an air of self-importance as Linda expresses her anger about the disorder taking over her life, saying, “But tell me, how do you suppose being required to work constantly?” In a similar manner, Caroline’s confrontational spouse blames Linda for his wife’s disappearance during a phone call. Even Charles’ own therapist (Conan O’Brien, in a humorous acting debut) shows little empathy, growing increasingly impatient.

In this version, I attempted to maintain the original meaning while making the language more conversational and easier to read for the average person.

In a similar vein, many have compared this to the fusion of “Nightbitch” and “Uncut Gems”, and it’s not hard to see why the latter reference isn’t off-base. Ronald Bronstein, the director’s spouse and frequent collaborator who also serves as one of the producers here alongside Josh Safdie, has co-written most of the Safdie brothers’ films. This film bears resemblance to their early works such as “Daddy Longlegs” and “Heaven Knows What”, characterized by raw emotion, gritty aesthetics, and chaotic energy. However, it also mirrors more recent productions like “Good Time” and “Uncut Gems” in its intense volatility.

However, the dark wit in this context belongs to Bronstein entirely, extending to his choice of a children’s lullaby – Harry Nilsson’s “Think About Your Troubles.” Notably, the song’s lyrics depict a deceased whale and an ocean tainted with teardrops.

As a gamer, I find myself confronted daily with the challenge that is my daughter’s clinic. The parking attendant, Mark Stolzenberg, often adds an extra layer of stress to this already tense situation. The head of the program, Dr. Spring (who bears a striking resemblance to the game director), has given me a tough warning: if my child doesn’t start showing significant weight gain and can no longer rely on the IV, we may have to part ways with the clinic. This news only serves to intensify the guilt I carry every time I step away from her side.

The environment at the new motel where Linda and her daughter have been moved by their landlord during renovations isn’t promoting a peaceful state of mind anymore. The receptionist, Diana (Ivy Wolk), often comes across as rude with a judgmental demeanor whenever Linda goes to request another bottle of wine. However, the resident superintendent James (hip-hop artist A$AP Rocky, exuding charm and kindness) is always friendly and considerate.

(Note: This version aims to simplify the language and make it more conversational while preserving the original meaning.)

I’m all about being chill, approachable, and ready to lend a hand. Even going as far as helping Linda secure some cocaine through the deep web when her typical nightly joint didn’t seem to ease her struggles. Yet, Linda’s unpredictable actions eventually push me away too.

Throughout the storyline, Byrne’s captivating performance is under close observation, particularly in DP Christopher Messina’s intense close-ups that span significant portions of the film. This portrayal is harsh and profound, delving into the crushing weight and solitude often associated with motherhood in a way that makes the experience depicted in “Nightbitch” seem mild, yet never losing its empathetic touch. The audience finds themselves sympathizing with Linda as she battles to maintain her sanity when narrow-minded men fail to comprehend the mind-numbing stress of caring for a young child.

Linda’s inner turmoil mirrors in the hazy confusion of Filipe Messeder’s sound design, particularly the persistent hum of the child’s IV machine. The film subtly delves into the realm of bodily horror towards the end, as Linda’s emotional breakdown intensifies. This occurs not too long after she ponders if she accidentally terminated the wrong baby in a previous abortion. It’s rare to see such sentiments expressed by mothers in American movies, but Bronstein, who last directed Yeast back in 2008, is remarkably unafraid to tackle such themes head-on.

Watching such a gripping and creative film can indeed be intense, but it’s important to note that two hours of someone else’s tension might feel overwhelming, especially when one already carries enough stress of their own. If you prefer movies without a tense atmosphere or an otherworldly ambiance, this particular film may not suit your taste. However, if you choose to take a relaxant like Klonopin beforehand, it could enhance your viewing experience.

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2025-01-25 02:55