As a lifelong fan of action films and the mesmerizing prowess of Jason Statham, I find myself utterly captivated by these imaginative crossovers. The first one, pitting Statham against a horde of stop-motion monsters in a 3D extravaganza, sounds like a wild, over-the-top spectacle that would have me glued to my seat with popcorn at the ready. I can just imagine him punching a snake-haired Medusa in the face, followed by a charming wink and a “Cheers love, off to bed.
In one of many engaging ways to put it: For nearly two decades now, Jason Statham, a top-tier action star, has kept us thrilled with his performances. His athletic and chiseled build, combined with his gritty British tone, perfectly embodies the toughness required for on-screen survival. From ruthless gangsters to colossal sharks, Martian vampires, and even Jet Li, Statham has left quite an impression. Indulging in a bit of playful imagination, here’s our proposal for who The Stath should take down next, if only in a hypothetical battle!
Jason Vs Superman
Tagline: #ReleaseTheStathamCut
It’s exciting that James Gunn’s version of Superman is on its way! Isn’t it wonderful to imagine Jason Statham taking on the role and facing off against the Man of Steel himself? Certainly, it could be a thrilling spectacle!
In a twist of events, Statham lands a position at a competing news outlet, and in an unusual fourth-wall break, he addresses the audience directly. He appears to be the only one who suspects that Clark Kent is merely Superman wearing glasses. Leveraging this insight for personal advantage, Statham’s character confronts Superman, stirring up conflicts to generate sensational stories and exclusives for his newspaper. This film subtly critiques the media landscape, explores the concept of fandom, and heavily employs the theme of fake news, making it an intelligent take on comic book movies. Here, the “S” symbol on his chest doesn’t represent Superman but Statham instead.
Jason Statham Vs Kong
Tagline: No-One Makes Him Second Banana
As a cinephile, I can’t help but reminisce about the pulse-pounding action in Crank 2 that left me on the edge of my seat. Now, another iconic figure from the silver screen must face off against an adversary – King Kong, scaled down to mere mortal size at 5’8 for a gripping showdown with Jason Statham. This time around, we have not just a clash of titans, but also a comedic twist as their minds are inadvertently swapped, similar to Face/Off or Rob Schneider’s The Hot Chick. And the cherry on top? It spans an epic three and a half hours!
Jason Statham Vs Aquaman
Tagline: Fish N Chips
In this scenario, instead of Jason Momoa’s Aquaman, we’ll go with the ’60s version, portrayed by Jesse Plemons. As a fun tribute to Jason Statham’s past as a British Olympic diver, he steps into the role of the sea king himself. Statham, in character as gruff lighthouse keeper John “London” Irish, has a run-in with Aquaman and labels him an “insolent fellow,” or more casually, an “arsehole.
At Comic-Con, a brooding and somber DC trailer will unveil a muscular Statham battling the Kraken. As the fight unfolds, a melancholic rendition of Bobby Darin’s “Beyond the Sea” echoes in the background. After the movie’s triumph, a series of comic books and action figures inspired by Jason Statham continue to be released. Don’t forget your swim trunks!
Jason Vs Jason
Tagline: Jason²
In the year 2257, nearly 90% of humanity has been wiped out by Jason Voorhees. With Friday the 13th fast approaching, a group of determined rebels are left with no other option but to thaw Earth’s most formidable warrior to aid them in their fight against Voorhees before he eliminates all remaining life. Fred is deceased, my dear.
In this movie, Jason Statham portrays himself as a character out of his element, grappling with the reality that everyone he knows has perished and is compelled to save humanity again. A particularly amusing scene involves Jason Statham examining an unlucky date, poking through the eyeholes in the hockey mask, and jokingly remarking, “Seems like my lucky day!“.
Jason Statham Vs Jason Bourne
Tagline: Bourne To Die
In a similar vein to how the Jason Bourne movie series redefined action cinema by breaking away from the James Bond mold, Jason Statham as an actor was also gaining prominence in the same genre with films like Crank and The Transporter. The idea of a no-nonsense, serious Statham facing off against Jason Bourne seems plausible given that both characters have built their popularity on physical prowess, a trait that Statham excels in. Additionally, Denzel Washington, who plays The Equalizer, is hinted at returning for a sequel towards the end credits.
Jason Vs The Argonauts
Tagline: Hercules, who?
A swords and sandals epic, with a totally game Statham keeping his real accent despite it being set in Greece. A goony, out-there mash up of Harryhausen meets Army of Darkness. It’s still undecided whether Statham himself will lead the Argonauts, or be some horrible stop-motion monster himself that they must slay, but despite the fact that we put this one down solely for its wordplay, it just feels oddly… right. Jason Statham fighting a bunch of stop-motion monsters and punching a snake-haired Medusa in the face before bedding her is something that must now happen. Oh, it’s also in 3D.
Crank Vs The Transporter
Tagline: “Crank One Out for the Boys”
During the 2000s, Jason Statham was moving away from his role as a cockney gangster in British films like “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels” and “Snatch,” demonstrating his acting skills. Instead, he was carving out his own niche as an action star. By 2009, he had finished the “Transporter” trilogy and a second installment of the wildly absurd “Crank” series. Let’s fantasize about a high-octane confrontation between his characters from these two franchises (Frank from “The Transporter” and Chev from “Crank”).
Our proposition: Frank is tasked with transporting human organs, specifically Chev Chelios’ heart in this instance. As the plot unfolds, tension escalates when these two characters cross paths approximately 50 minutes into the movie, leading to a fierce confrontation. Given their profound connection and the significant impact on Jason Statham’s career, this could be considered his cinematic universe. Regrettably, it may earn the title of Cranksporter from critics.
However, given that the characters are evenly paired, who do you think would emerge victorious? We emailed one-half of the Crank 1 and 2 directing duo, Mark Neveldine. He promptly responded to us with his insights:
As a cinema enthusiast, let me tell you, no one can take down Chev. I’m talking about the guy who lived through the “Chinese synthetic nonsense.” Just drop a coin and he springs back to life. He’d wipe the floor with The Transporter, and honestly, he’s got a better look on him too. Here’s a thought: Chev Chelios for President!
Jason Statham Vs Predator
Tagline: Even Faster. Even Furiouser.
Intriguingly rephrasing for your convenience: It’d be quite intriguing to analyze how our action heroes have evolved from the massive figure of Arnold Schwarzenegger to the lean Statham. Such a critique could add an exciting twist to the series. With the acclaimed success of Prey earlier this year, Statham seems tailor-made for the new direction of the Predator franchise, where fans are eagerly anticipating the Predator venturing into various genres and time periods.
In addition to the movie “Predator: Tokyo Drift,” and similar to the backdrop of the film “Prey” set in the past, we’re proposing Jason Statham as a general during World War I whose unit is wiped out by a Predator. Suspecting a German sniper, Statham tracks down the Predator, but the roles quickly reverse, with Statham finding himself in a deadly game of cat and mouse across muddy trenches. Wow! What an action-packed idea!
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2024-10-16 05:03