Nikki Glaser’s Golden Globes Monologue: Her Meanest Jokes

by

Okay, so she wasn’t that mean.

As a huge fan, I must admit that even comedian Nikki Glaser served up some sharp wit when she took the stage as host of the Golden Globes for the first time. She skillfully navigated the tricky balance between poking fun at celebrities present while never quite crossing the line into full-blown roasting.

Here are some standout lines from Glaser’s speech during her opening monologue at the 82nd Golden Globe Awards:

* “I don’t have a lot of time to waste, so I will keep this brief.” (Original: “I don’t have a lot of time to spare, so let me be quick.”)
* “It’s an honor to be hosting the show for the fifth time, and it’s always a pleasure to be back at the Beverly Hilton.” (Original: “I am thrilled to host this event for the fifth time, and it’s great to return to the Beverly Hilton.”)
* “The Golden Globes is the fun one, right? The one where people get drunk and win awards?” (Original: “Isn’t the Golden Globes the fun one, where people drink and receive accolades?”)
* “I’ve been asked to give a political speech tonight, but I don’t feel qualified.” (Original: “Someone asked me to deliver a political speech tonight, but I don’t think I am the right person for that.”)
* “But I will say this – I am proud to be part of an industry that is stepping up and speaking out against injustice.” (Original: “However, I will add this – I am proud to be a part of an industry that is taking action and addressing inequalities.”)

— “Greetings! If you’re tuning in on CBS, here’s a warm welcome. For those of you on Paramount+, there are only six days left to end your free trial if you wish to do so.

—”I’m absolutely thrilled! Here I am surrounded by music producers at the Beverly Hilton, and everything is as it should be – nothing missing from my wardrobe. All the hard work has definitely paid off.

—”I’m not here to criticize you, and honestly, I don’t see how I could given your renown, your skills, and your influence. After all, you have the power to accomplish just about anything – except instruct the public on who to vote for. But that’s alright, perhaps you’ll sway them in the future!

—”‘Wicked’, ‘Queer’, and ‘Nightbitch’ – it’s not merely what Ben Affleck shouts post-climax; they are some of the remarkable films up for awards tonight.

—”Zendaya, your performance in Dune was outstanding; I stayed awake for every scene of yours. And speaking of heated moments, ‘Challengers’ was steamier than Diddy’s credit card bill! This year’s after party might not be as exciting, but we must press on. Unfortunately, ‘Stanley Tucci Cooking Contest’ doesn’t quite have the same catchy vibe.

—”From where I stand, I’m witnessing some of the most dedicated performers in the entertainment industry – and I’m not talking about the actors on screen, but the unsung heroes behind it all: you, the servers.

—”This year, Tilda Swinton has been nominated for her portrayal of Timothée Chalamet. Now, let me say, Timothée Chalamet, your upper lip eyelashes are stunning – truly unique! You were exceptional in ‘A Complete Unknown’, particularly as Bob Dylan. Interestingly, I heard that your singing voice was so spot-on as Dylan’s that even Bob Dylan himself acknowledged it as downright awful.

—”I wasn’t very familiar with ‘Wicked’ this year since many of my high school friends adored it. I, too, became a fan of ‘Wicked’. My partner was a fan as well. And let me tell you, my partner’s partner held a deep affinity for ‘Wicked’.

— In the musical “Wicked”, certain individuals criticized that the film’s enjoyment was marred by characters singing. Similarly, in the anticipated sequel to “Joker”, some viewers felt the movie’s impact was lessened due to its visual and auditory elements. I apologize, “Joker 2”. It seems your table isn’t present here. They aren’t around.

(Or)

In “Wicked”, some found issue with the singing in the film. Similarly, for “Joker 2”, some were disappointed by its visual and aural aspects. I’m sorry to say that your table isn’t here, “Joker 2”. It appears they aren’t present.

— “Harrison Ford. I was talking to Harrison back stage and after he gave me his drink order.”

—”Not only items you’d find in an RFK freezer, but also they’re TV shows contending tonight: The Bear, The Penguin, and Baby Reindeer.

— “Nicole Kidman is here for Babygirl. That movie was so good, I give it two fingers up.”

— This year, Eddie Redmayne graced our TV screens and received a nomination for his role in Peacock’s “The Day of the Jackal.” The series follows an unseen top-tier sniper who operates within a secret elite unit on the streaming platform Peacock.

More to come…

Leading up to the award ceremony, Glaser shared her thoughts with the press on her hosting role and hinted at her approach for the opening speech, stressing that it would not be as biting as her usual roasting style.

In a characteristically thorough manner, the comedian—with multiple streaming specials and numerous roast performances to her credit—stated that she intended to find a balance between being humorous and maintaining good taste.

As a hired gamer, I’m delivering on my task, and it’s all thanks to the hilarious Netflix roast of Tom Brady! That memory isn’t fading; instead, I’ll infuse that energy into what I’m doing here. No worries, it won’t be a diluted version, but the tone will shift slightly for this project.

She mentioned that she won’t be overly harsh or offensive in her speech. She has deliberately avoided such behavior to ensure everyone is pleased and not expecting a Ricky Gervais-style performance. After all, she’s not Ricky Gervis, this is her first Golden Globes, and he was particularly aggressive during his last appearance, as he didn’t mind causing controversy.

Apart from that, she mentioned she wouldn’t join in on the recent jokes surrounding the “It Ends with Us” controversy, as it’s become quite a topic in Hollywood. She expressed her thoughts by saying, “The Blake Lively-Justin Baldoni issue is so sensitive right now that even bringing it up might imply I’m taking a stance I don’t want to be associated with, though I certainly wouldn’t.” She also admitted she dislikes having to remember his name at all, so she decided not to mention it again.

Additionally, Glaser has been recognized with a nomination for an accolade – in the category of Best Performance in Stand-Up Comedy on Television, for her HBO special titled “Someday You’ll Die”.

Read More

2025-01-06 04:25