Crypto VCs Throw Millions—But Will They Remember the Password?

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So, apparently during the week of April 27 to May 3, crypto folks started throwing cash around like it’s a Black Friday sale on weird technology no one’s mom can understand. The total? $104.7 million! And that’s not even counting all the money people lost because they forgot their seed phrases. Out of 15 projects, Camp Network and Miden got the biggest slices—twenty-five million bucks each. Can you imagine? I can barely get someone to split an appetizer, and these guys are pulling in millions!

Infrastructure projects took center stage, because, you know, everyone wants to build things in crypto but no one wants to fix a pothole in real life. As usual, privacy, AI, and DeFi nonsense are all the rage. Here’s your weekly update—because let’s face it, someone’s gotta keep count before accounting asks where the money went. 🧐

Camp Network

  • Raised $25 million in a Series A round. Series A! Not even the “good” series, but you get the nice coffee mugs.
  • Fortune says 1kx, Blockchain Capital, and OKX Ventures threw in the cash. Did they even read the pitch deck, or did someone just yell “blockchain!” and they reflexively wrote a check?
  • They’ve now pocketed $29 million total, which is…yeah, I’m in the wrong business.

Miden

  • Another $25 million, this time in a Seed round. Remember when seeds used to cost a quarter? Inflation’s a nightmare.
  • a16z crypto, Hack VC, and 1kx behind this one. Probably the same investors as above, they just copy-pasted their portfolios.

Thru (Unto Labs)

  • Thru swiped $14.4 million in a so-called “Unknown round.” Unknown round? Sounds like a game of poker where you don’t know your own cards. 🤷‍♂️
  • Valued at $140 million. For context, that’s enough to buy every Larry David DVD ever made. Twice.
  • Framework, Electric Capital are in. I’m sure their electric bill is just as mysterious as their investments.

Dinari

  • Dinari is now flush with $12.7 million from their Series A. You know there’s a Series B, C, D, etc. I never understood why we skipped straight to Series A—why not just start at Series Larry?
  • Hack VC, BlockChange, and VanEck are investors. Name puns, venture capital. The usual.
  • Total raised is $22.7 million. No, I don’t know what they do either.

🚨 Big news from Dinari 🚨

We just raised a $12.7M Series A to bring U.S. equities onchain — and make them accessible to anyone, anywhere 🧵

— Dinari (@DinariGlobal) May 1, 2025

Terminal 3

  • Got $8 million in Seed funding. At this rate, call me when there’s a Terminal 4 funded by airline food profits.
  • Illuminate Financial, Titan Fund, and IDG threw money into the pot. If you want to borrow a charger at the airport, ask these guys, they practically own the terminal now.

Terminal 3 is excited to announce a US$8 million Seed Round co-led by @IlluminateFM and @CMCC_Global’s Titan Fund to scale enterprise identity and data security solutions that empower businesses to protect their users’ privacy 🧵

— Terminal 3 (@terminal3io) April 30, 2025

Projects under $7 million

  • ZAR: $7 million, “unknown round.” Sounds more like a new energy drink than a startup, but whatever.
  • Fleek: $5 million public sale, $75 million fully diluted value. Fleek? What is that, eyebrow technology?
  • Gata (formerly Aggregata): $4 million in Seed. Yet another name change. Guaranteed to make you forget your login.
  • ROVR: $2.6 million seed investment. I just hope it’s not another app that asks me to walk a virtual dog.
  • aZen Protocol: $1.2 million. Making zen out of money. That’s enlightenment for you. 🧘‍♂️
  • MilkyWay: $300K for a $15 million “fully diluted” valuation. You’d think they’d at least throw in some actual chocolate.
  • B² Network (Bsquared): Same stats, same pitch. Twice the B’s, half the explanation.

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2025-05-03 21:40