The Bitter Truth: Tether’s AI Aims to Disrupt Bitcoin Payments—Or Just Your Sanity?

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In a world where the morning fog never quite lifts from the streets and every coin clinks with a hollow echo, the juggernaut Tether readies a new beast: Tether AI—a contraption to handle not just cryptic stablecoins, but the haughty Bitcoin itself. And why not? Hasn’t humanity always craved new shackles, so long as they’re algorithmic? 🤖💸

On the fifth day of May, Paolo Ardoino, a modern oracle perched atop a digital cage, saw fit to unleash whispers on X, choking out hints of Tether AI’s inevitable debut. This ‘personal infinite intelligence’ is meant to serve you with a lopsided grin while hunched over stacks of digital ledgers, ready to shuffle your USDt and BTC through some peer-to-peer pipeline cobbled together by exiles of hope and reason.

“Ah, direct transactions!” crows Ardoino. “No more of these meddlesome middlemen!” Oh, Paolo, if only middlemen were the root of all misery…

Recall—if your memory isn’t already drowned in last year’s regrets—back in December 2024 they muttered about this AI tool’s website, promising a launch with all the certainty of spring in winter’s grasp. “End of Q1 2025!” they sang, voices echoing in cavernous conference halls where even the coffee has grown weary.

Support of “any hardware and device”

But Tether’s heart pounds on, boldly claiming their AI will not grovel before the gods of APIs, nor kneel at the altar of centralization. No—this creation will be a “fully open-source AI runtime,” gamboling across an “unstoppable peer-to-peer network.” Fully modular! Fully composable! Fully buzzword-ful! Who could doubt it? Only those who remember how modular the Lada was, perhaps. 🚗💥

Their machine, says Paolo, will crawl through “any hardware and device.” Someone please warn your toaster.

P2P crypto payments enabled with WDK

Meanwhile, the open-source wallet development kit (WDK) promises to “infuse” Tether AI with its spirit, exhaling new wallet solutions for desktop, mobile, and—if the cosmic joke goes on long enough—your smart fridge. Developers are urged to tinker in these digital labyrinths, cradling their assets with tender self-custodial hands, free from the smothering embrace of third parties. Your money, your keys, your existential dread. 🔑😏

No more custodial wallets—or as the poets call it: strangers minding your money while you sleep. With self-custody, the only enemy left is yourself. Good luck! 🍀

Tether doubles down on AI

This Tether AI, a feverish child of ambition and exhaustion, forms but one part of a greater scheme. In April 2024, like a circus adding an extra lion to distract the crowd, the company restructured itself. New divisions! New units! Tether Data—because who doesn’t want more Data in their life—joins the fold, aiming to shackle AI and P2P together in holy confusion.

By February, Tether’s architects were hard at work conjuring a cadre of AI tools: a Translator, a Voice Assistant, and, yes, a Bitcoin Wallet with the mannerisms of an office assistant no one asked for.

So what grand vision binds this all together? Ardoino points to Isaac Asimov—the great prophet who warned us about clever machines—declaring that Tether AI will forge the “ideal technological foundation.” The universe itself will wear AI like a threadbare coat… or perhaps a straightjacket. 🤯

“AI will, in the coming decades, become part of the very fabric of the universe,” Ardoino sings—half promethean, half stand-up comedian. One can only hope the universe is ready for the upgrade. Until then, comrades, keep your passwords close and your wallets closer.

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2025-05-05 13:35