Why MicroStrategy’s Bitcoin Earnings Make My Eyeballs Twitch (And Maybe Yours, Too)

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So, MSTR earnings dropped May 1, and suddenly every business media stop turned into a “Can you give us a hint about MSTR (wink)?” fest. I don’t talk stocks on the radio. I talk vibes and awkward truths. Still, you try prepping for these segments without getting an Olympic gold in eye rolls—especially when it comes to MicroStrategy, or as it’s now rebranded: “Strategy.” Sexy, right?

MSTR—ticker symbol for MicroStrategy, also known as “Strategy,” the artist formerly known as MicroStrategy (insert Prince symbol here)—has basically rewritten the “how to flex on Wall Street” playbook. Michael Saylor, their fearless, laser-eyed leader, invented the “bitcoin treasury” fad. It’s spreading like those chain emails your aunt sent in 2007. Now they’re planning to raise $84 billion—yes, with a “b”—using everything from equity to the company’s uncanny ability to confuse analysts.

Let’s cut to the big questions:

1. Earnings?
MSTR “earnings” and “price targets” are like my attempt at yoga and actual yoga—related, but different enough to make you pull a hamstring. After you take out the ASC 2023-08 math magic, what’s left? The price of bitcoin and some heavy-duty financing. No one’s doing calculus here. Someone tell Wall Street this isn’t Jeopardy!; hit the buzzer, say “Bitcoin,” and move on.

2. Strategy?
If you mention “Strategy,” it’s against the law not to clarify, “formerly MicroStrategy.” Because what good is a rebrand if you can’t make everyone fumble your proper noun? We’re talking Prince-level “call me this now” energy. But heads up, people say “strategy” about fifty times per minute during earnings calls, so just sprinkle it on everything, Emeril-style.

3. Don’t be a hater?
MSTR props up a $107 billion market cap with $53 billion in bitcoin and a fistful of hope (and probably some ring lights for those “laser eyes”). Lifeboats? Parachutes? Actual backup plans? Pfft. If it all falls down, guess who gets blamed? Bitcoin. That’s who. No pressure, crypto fam! 🚀

Yes, the eye-rolling is fierce, and the media fawning could win awards (maybe the “Hype Oscars”?), but let’s give credit:

  • Those capital raises? George Lucas wishes his Force was this strong.
  • MSTR has gained 36% this year. Bitcoin? Under 5%. Me? Still waiting for my pizza delivery.
  • They made volatility a feature, not a bug: perfect for dazzling options lovers, confusing boomers, and issuing convertibles that make you think, “Wait, is this what investing is now?” If you call option-selling a “yield strategy” in earshot of an actual quant, you might summon a demon.
  • Preferreds (STRK and STRF): bringing the “romance” back to the world of preferred shares. Some of my friends who collect preferreds like others collect Beanie Babies are totally smitten.

MSTR: The Saylorian Movement No One Asked For

Strategy (cap S, obviously) didn’t just make a splash. It cannonballed into the pool and invented the “levered bitcoin ETF” genre. There’s even a shiny new one that hands out “income”—because rent’s due every month, even for thrill-seekers. And Grayscale, not to be outdone, will track 30 companies hoarding at least 100 bitcoin, because nothing says innovation like copying homework with more decimal places.

In a plot twist worthy of a daytime soap, Cantor Equity Partners, a SPAC, is merging to birth “Twenty One Capital” (cue dramatic music), stacking $3 billion in bitcoin. Mention this trend in a roomful of pundits, and they’ll shout “Gamestop!” in perfect union. This is how financial journalists do karaoke. 🎤

Don’t get me wrong, the growing habit of stuffing bitcoin into company treasuries is fascinating (even if the only other thing in some treasuries is a dusty bottle of White-Out). And remember, this doesn’t even count the crypto-native companies—you know, the ones who talk about “decentralization” the way your uncle talks about his high school football days?

But… so far, it’s all bitcoin, all the time. Sorry, Dogecoin.

Bitcoin: America’s Next Top Coin 🇺🇸

The U.S. keeps loosening its regulatory fanny pack, and what do we get? More bitcoin. Still two-thirds of the market. It’s the Brad Pitt of crypto: charming, rugged, and always in every scene.

Look, it makes sense if you believe bitcoin is a “store of value” and you want it chilling next to your treasury bills. But the hype machine around bitcoin exposure—leverage, yield, protection, whatever Wall Street’s cooking this week—kind of sucks all the air out of the room for other blockchain assets. There are more flavors on the menu, people!

Up until recently, lots of investors and advisors couldn’t even touch these new “digital assets”—unless you count yelling at the TV during CNBC segments. Ethereum (ETH) has been around, but let’s be real: the only thing less exciting to investors than an ETH ETF has been… uh… this year’s Oscar hosts?

If 2024 was bitcoin’s “coming out” party (complete with confetti and people who say “blockchain” way too much), let’s cross our fingers and toes that 2025 lets us look beyond bitcoin for a change. Because if the only idea Wall Street has is “just buy more bitcoin,” we’re all leaving money on the table. And nobody likes cold pizza. 🍕

Note: These wisecracks are the author’s alone. CoinDesk, Inc. and its army of interns might disagree (or have even better jokes).

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2025-05-05 21:28