Binance’s CZ Prison Shocker: Double Murderers, Strip Searches, and Still No Crypto WiFi

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If ever you need to put your problems into perspective, try sitting in a cell with a guy who’s been convicted—twice, mind you—of homicide. Changpeng Zhao, most commonly known as “CZ” and second-most commonly known as “Wait, isn’t he that crypto billionaire who just got locked up?” is the founder of Binance. Recently, he decided to give the public a peek behind the iron curtain of American penal hospitality. Spoiler: mint ice cream sandwiches are not included.

Flash back to November 2023: CZ and Binance were snagged on charges of money laundering and other federal no-nos (pro tip: don’t do that). Binance coughed up the kind of $4.3 billion sum that only sounds fictional if you haven’t seen a Marvel movie budget lately. Meanwhile, CZ’s lawyer somehow convinced the justice system that all those shenanigans were happening right under their client’s very stoic nose, but without his direct involvement. Ta-da! Three years in the slammer magically shrank to a four-month stint. Legal wizardry—or at least very good hair gel.

On Farokh Radio, CZ attempted to dial down his trademark calm (“like a monk, only with better Wi-Fi and worse luck”) while discussing prison life. He admitted he was terrified—because apparently, even being the boy wonder of crypto doesn’t buy you a pass from strip searches or double-murderer roommates. “Look, I can laugh about it now,” he shrugged, “but I promise, it wasn’t hilarious at the time.” Yes, nothing says character building like group showers and an existential crisis.

His anecdotes weren’t exactly HBO material: CZ wasn’t shiv’d, he wasn’t lionized, and—here’s the stinger—nobody cared who he was. For all his billions, most guards and residents treated him as just another orange jumpsuit with delusions of grandeur. Not even a cryptic tattoo to liven up the place. Because he isn’t a U.S. citizen, CZ enjoyed the upgraded accommodations of a low-security prison, a.k.a., the Marriot where you don’t have to tip and the only currency is cigarettes.

What he did get, instead, was mental stress fit for an entire therapy podcast. One of his greatest fears? That some cosmic bureaucrat would extend his sentence—an incarceration lottery, but the only numbers you pick are “how much do you regret your life choices?” And, because no one loves paperwork like U.S. immigration, even after his time was up, CZ got an extended stay in the luxurious world of detention centers. Airbnb review: two thumbs down, no bathrobes.

Despite all this, CZ describes his fellow inmates as, shockingly, respectful. There were no epic brawls, nor prison yard chess showdowns with life lessons about redemption. Instead, everyone just quietly did their time and, presumably, nobody asked about blockchain. As for the rest? He’s saving it for his book—because apparently, doing time is just the start. 📝

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2025-05-06 06:53