Right, so Bitcoin (BTC)—that digital coin we all pretend to understand but really just bought for Fear Of Missing Out—looks like it might be off to one of its glitziest parties of the year. According to Polymarket, the “prediction market” where strangers who definitely have no hobbies make big calls, there’s apparently a 63% chance BTC will jazz-hands its way over $130,000 before we wobble into next year.
If you’re wondering why, it’s because the institutions have finally shown up—think boring guys in suits, except they’re all suddenly obsessed with ETFs and making “crypto” sound like less of a swear word at family Christmas.
Bets favour $110,000–$130,000 for Bitcoin, Also Seen Riding a Unicorn 🦄
Get this: there’s an 18% chance it moonwalks to $200,000 and an 11% chance it goes full rocket-emoji to $250,000. (Frankly, if it hits $1 million, I’ll eat a USB stick—though, to be fair, a valiant 3% are betting exactly that. There’s street-performing cats with more caution.)
In reality, the market’s smitten with $110,000 to $130,000—sort of like the “safe” ex you keep texting at 1 AM. And, as always, the peanut gallery can’t shut up about whether it’s heading to infinity, the gutter, or staying exactly where it is because—wait for it—regulations and volatility. Well, colour me surprised.
On Team Optimist? People who think halving means prices go up and everything else is just jealousy. On Team Sceptic? Anyone who’s ever been rug-pulled—or just Peter Schiff, who, based on U.Today, probably yells at his plants if they’re shaped like a Bitcoin logo.
Just because prediction markets exist doesn’t mean they tell the future. If they did, I’d be rich, tan, and somewhere without WiFi.
Liquidation Bonanza: Bears Can’t Catch a Break 🐻💸
Meanwhile, mayhem! The last 12 hours have seen more drama than an entire season of Love Island—except instead of tears and awkward makeouts, we got $256 million in crypto positions evaporating. Poof! Gone. Like my willpower on a Friday after 2pm.
Coinglass says about $37.83 million got forcefully yeeted from exchanges: $22.93 million in shorts (ouch, my schadenfreude is tingling), and $14.9 million in longs—so nobody’s truly a winner, except the exchanges who are laughing all the way to their private islands.
Ethereum traders? Brutalized. Over $22.6 million wiped. Bitcoin: $5.29 million, Solana: $1.88 million—neither can sit comfortably right now. One soul got hit so hard—$12.20 million vaporized—that even my cold, digital heart skipped a beat.
Here’s the grand finale: in just 12 hours, $256 million vanished. Most of it belonged to shorts—over $200 million (maybe they should go long on therapy instead?), with longs licking wounds to the tune of $55 million.
End of sarcasm, not of suspense.
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2025-05-14 01:40