JPMorgan’s Dragon Slaying Crypto Coins 🐉💸

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Lo and behold, Tyler Winklevoss, Gemini’s crypto knight-errant, has taken to X to decry JPMorgan’s alleged plot to “slay” cryptocurrency firms. One might imagine the bank’s lawyers sharpening their quills like dragons honing their fangs. 🐉

This ruckus follows Bloomberg’s report that JPMorgan, America’s grandest banking sorcerer, now demands fintechs pay a toll to peek at customer data. A move so brazen, one could almost hear the clinking of gold coins in a vault labeled “Regulatory Greed.” 💰

By charging for access to banking data (previously free via third-party platforms like Plaid), JPMorgan seeks to strangle the lifeblood of fintechs—the very veins that feed apps and crypto exchanges alike. A noble endeavor, if one’s goal is to drown innovation in red tape. 🚫

Winklevoss, ever the prophet of digital gold, warns this “fee-fueled tyranny” will crush fintechs—those unsung heroes who let you track your budget or buy Bitcoin without a blood sacrifice. Even Gemini and Coinbase, crypto’s modern-day alchemists, rely on such services to turn users’ hopes into digital assets. 🔮

The Open Banking Rule, once a gleaming sword for consumer freedom, now lies in legal limbo as banks sue the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB) for daring to let third-party apps exist. In May, the CFPB wisely declared the rule dead, leaving fintechs to wonder if they’ve been playing chess with a dragon. 🐉♟️

Banks, of course, whine about the “regulatory burden” of sharing data. A burden, one imagines, akin to asking a vampire to share his coffin. 🧛

Winklevoss, with the gravitas of a man who’s sold NFTs to a cat, calls this “egregious regulatory capture.” A phrase so rich in bureaucratic venom, it could poison a small village. “This,” he proclaims, “kills innovation, hurts consumers, and is bad for America!” A rare trinity of woes, served with a side of irony. 😂

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2025-07-20 12:03