Help! I Just Released My Masterpiece — and It Got Crushed at the Box Office By a Cartoon
Dear Remy,
This week, I unveiled my magnum opus – a groundbreaking film that goes beyond traditional narrative. It’s a cinematic marvel, seamlessly combining timeless texts and profound philosophical thoughts with advanced audience engagement. Picture the epic scope of Homer, the intellectual depth of Dante, and the cinematic genius of Kubrick, but updated for today’s audience. The film grapples with mankind’s deepest struggles – the corrupting influence of power, the peril of discovery, and, inevitably, the existential fears that haunt us all. Each scene was meticulously designed, as if each frame were a stroke on a painting destined for the Louvre. This wasn’t just a film – it was a work of art.
Despite my expectations, an animated movie with talking animals has taken the top spot at the box office this week. I can’t help but feel bewildered. It seems that my film, which delves deep into introspection and is meant to be a profound masterpiece, was passed over by audiences who prefer the vibrant pixels of cartoons over its thoughtful themes. I had already prepared for a celebration, with nine bottles of Veuve Clicquot champagne waiting to honor its imminent rise to No. 1. Instead, I find myself overlooked once more. My only consolation is that, possibly in decades to come, my film may be discovered by a future civilization living in a dystopian world. They might then appreciate the depth of my work as they watch it on manually powered devices during a sandstorm, long after our current society has crumbled.
How should I handle this severe disrespect from a society that fails to grasp my perspective? Am I, like Vincent van Gogh, destined to find validation only after I’m gone?
Yours,
A Jaded Genius
Dear Jaded Genius,
It’s clear that your dedication to your movie is unquestionable, and indeed, your project seems incredibly ambitious. However, there’s a chance that while you were carefully constructing this masterpiece, you might have overlooked a crucial aspect of filmmaking: the emotional connection. Was it your animated feature that managed to captivate viewers in a way your work didn’t? Could it be that in your quest for depth, you neglected the delightful essence of storytelling?
Occasionally, overanalyzing situations may hinder effectiveness. Remember, your listeners might appreciate some levity at the moment – fewer heavy thoughts, more cheerful chirps. Can this experience offer insights on conciseness and approachability for you?
Essentially, animated features tend to be straightforward, which can be their charm. They possess a consistent concept that’s easy for their intended viewers to comprehend, yet they offer aesthetic appeal even for adults. In contrast, your list of influences ranges from Dante to Van Gogh, which is more extensive than a typical CVS receipt.
Eventually, the people of Jeroboam will abstain from drinking. Perhaps it would be nice to gather some companions, enjoy an entertaining cartoon movie, and keep in mind that not every piece of art needs to transform the world to be cherished.
Best,
Remy
My Husband Just Glowed Up? Do I Have To, Too?
Dear Remy,
Our agreement has always been to age unapologetically, finding humor in the march of time while enjoying Cristal and reminiscing about the exhilarating, indulgent evenings of the 2000s. Living at full throttle and partying heartily, we managed to keep all our teeth and just a bit of roundness. I’ve always been content with that – adopting what I call the “Macramé Scarecrow” style, a mosaic of life’s adventures.
Out of the blue, I found myself taken aback by my husband’s unexpected transformation in midlife. To my surprise, he was cast in an action-comedy film and has since become a fitness enthusiast with an intensity that sends shivers down the spines of our neighborhood dogs. His ambition? Achieving a physique where his muscles are prominently visible, something I’ve learned is referred to as being “cut” – a term that makes me think of the lean figure of the David statue or a thin iguana.
Currently, I’m standing beside this person who resembles Adonis, and the truth is, I feel like a discarded plastic bag caught in a breeze. Meanwhile, he’s effortlessly lifting his own body weight, while I’m mulling over another bag of Cheez-Its. Should I strive to improve myself too? Frankly, I’d prefer to nibble on some bread instead.
Yours,
Glow-Steady
Dear Glow-Steady,
Initially, it’s great that you’ve successfully mastered the style of Macramé Scarecrows, a skill not everyone possesses. The expectation to match your husband’s recent transformation can be intense, but ultimately, the choice to improve yourself should be your own. If you prefer enjoying carbs over exercise, then embrace it wholeheartedly.
Transformation processes can be draining, affecting both your body and mind. Ponder over this question: Are you satisfied with who you are? If yes, why strive for something that doesn’t resonate with your true self? Your radiance isn’t solely dependent on external factors. Perhaps your inner light shines brightest – reflecting the wisdom and humor amassed from a life richly lived (and joyously celebrated).
It’s illogical to expect a couple to always match their appearance. You and your partner are not identical items from Bergdorf’s; you are unique individuals. Your bodies should reflect your personalities before anything else, so if he prefers doing burpees while you prefer sipping Bordeaux, there’s nothing wrong with either of those choices.
In the end, what really strengthens your relationship isn’t his muscular build, but the joyful moments and memories you create together – not the ingredients in an omelette.
Best,
Remy
My Old Writing Partner Wants To Reunite: Good Idea or Bad?
Dear Remy,
Once upon a time, my longtime collaborator and I were known as Hollywood’s energetic team, but our relationship took a turn for the worse one stormy day at The Polo Lunch. During an argument that escalated beyond control, he hurled a plate of shrimp scampi in my direction. Yes, we were impulsive, volatile, and always striving to outdo each other, and our fallout made headlines in the tabloids. I’ll never forget the look on the busboy’s face as my partner, consumed by anger, knocked over the table and stormed off.
In approximately ten years from now, unexpectedly, he sent me an email proposing a reunion. He’s encountered tough times, while I’ve thrived independently, but there’s a curiosity within me about the potential profit of a return. Might we become the Liam and Noel Gallagher of the literary world? Yet, this union could also stir up the old conflicts that once led us to argue over a makeup artist we both admired (who, by the way, has moved to Santa Fe to run a wood-turning business).
Should I reunite with him for old times’ sake, or keep riding solo?
Yours,
Duo Redo?
Dear Duo Redo?,
Of course, the lively shrimp-tossing at The Polo Lounge symbolizes an intense creative partnership. It’s natural to imagine that a reunion after such a legendary split would be equally exhilarating. But let me ask you this: what has driven your success since then? Has being independent allowed you to flourish, or do you miss the collaborative energy (ignoring the shrimp-throwing)?
There’s always the possibility that this reunion could reignite the magic — or the madness. Consider whether this partnership would serve you now, or if it’s simply nostalgia calling. Nostalgia is great, but we still need to pick and choose carefully the parts of the past we want to reexperience: ’80s leg warmers and neons? Bring it back. ’80s wood paneling and aspic? Leave it behind.
Consider this question: Might this partnership lead to a refreshing new phase, or could it resemble trying to resurrect a TV show that was better left after its fourth season?
Regardless of what you choose, always bear in mind that your success is self-reliant. If you opt to collaborate again, make sure it’s not for sensationalist media attention, but rather for the creative energy you previously had. Maybe, also, avoid serving seafood at the table.
Best,
Remy
Remy Blumenfeld, an experienced television producer and creator of Vitality Guru, provides professional guidance and career development for top-tier media professionals. If you have any questions or inquiries, please direct them to: [guru@vitality.guru](mailto:guru@vitality.guru)
Questions edited by Sarah Mills.
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2024-10-15 00:25