Geneva in Turmoil: US & China’s “Secret” Parley Sends Markets, Monkeys, and Gold Spinning

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Lo, what tempest swirls upon the bourse! Not since Scapin deceived all Paris has there been such anticipation: Messieurs Scott Bessent and Jamieson Greer, that vigilant duo of dollar-slingers, parley in clandestine council with the most illustrious Vice Premier He Lifeng, a man whose poker face could bankrupt Monte Carlo. O! The stakes! This Sunday, these titans of tariffs claim progress, though what passes for “progress” in their lexicon one shudders to imagine. 💼🎭

Tariff Titans or Sultans of Suspense?

Messieurs from Washington and mandarins from Beijing, their titles grander than their promises, convened in the haughty halls of Geneva—where, as the venerable Wall Street Journal whispers, talks are set to continue apace (lest anyone actually enjoy their Sunday croissant). Never let it be said that honor among nations prevents a good tariff—prior to their meeting, both empires ratcheted up duties as if auditioning for an absurdist play by that rascal Aristophanes. Levies everywhere, and a side order of disdain!

Trump muses from afar—one wonders if his crystal ball works on weekends.

Markets—those eternal hypochondriacs—quiver with suspense: stocks, cryptocurrencies, hoary gold, each praying not to be the next tragic victim of financial farce. The S&P 500, like a bashful debutante, recovers nervously from its bruising, still some 8% down in the dumps and complaining to anyone who’ll listen.

Volatility, personified by the VIX, has been loitering suspiciously above the historic tavern mean—let no one say uncertainty lacks zest. Of late, the mere twitch of a presidential eyebrow, or a whisper from Beijing, has sent asset prices cavorting like Molière’s lovers at a masked ball. 💃📈

Should this Genevan summit birth anything “constructive”—a tariff truce, a nod to more bandying of words, or even the faintest show of civility—the markets may pirouette in jubilation, digital assets dancing and even the golden cynics considering retirement. That said, some delegates, WSJ’s own M. Schwartz assures us, made a hasty retreat before curtain call. It seems an hour in Geneva is worth a week in Washington, or at least a dramatic exit stage left.

Meanwhile, Bessent and Greer—ardent to the end—remained to peruse the cryptic graffiti scrawled on Geneva’s walls. These talks, wreathed in secrecy thick enough to choke a Jesuit, recall the masked intrigues of Versailles: everyone present, and yet, no one speaking, lest their sigh be spun into a financial panic worthy of the Comédie-Française. 🎭

Trump’s Verses: “Trade Talks Gone Swimmingly!”

The indefatigable Mr. Trump, with the candor of Sganarelle and the subtlety of a dancing hippo, declared Saturday that matters were progressing splendidly, possibly even toward a “total reset.” The specifics, of course, were as elusive as virtue in a Paris salon, but markets—ever the eager gossips—feasted hungrily on the crumbs of rhetoric.

Sunday arrived, bedecked in a White House proclamation celebrating a trade deal so swift as to invite suspicion—did they perhaps swap crib notes under the table? Bessent, ever effusive, credited Swiss chocolate, mountain air, and, naturally, Trump’s clairvoyance. Greer, with grave concern for the $1.2 trillion deficit, declared the treaty the very panacea for all modern ills—though one suspects he would call an éclair a revolution with the same conviction. 🍫🧀

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2025-05-11 21:41