How People Who Have Lost Homes In the Fires Could Rebuild Their Mental Well-being

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Amanda Kloots has had a deeper understanding than most about experiencing a major catastrophe, having stood by her husband Nick Cordero during his grueling fight against, and ultimately losing him to, the severe consequences of a novel virus in 2020.

She has a few pieces of guidance for those suffering a different crucible five years later.

During a recent Zoom meeting, the talk-show host encouraged a group of L.A. fire survivors and their supporters by saying, ‘It’s okay to sit with your sadness and fear.’ He emphasized that it’s important to embrace vulnerability, to admit when you need help, and not to hold back or be afraid.”

Or:

“On a Zoom call with L.A. fire survivors and their supporters, the talk-show host advised them, ‘It’s alright to sit in your feelings of sadness and fear.’ He stressed that it’s crucial to let go of any resistance, admit when help is needed, and not be afraid to lower your defenses.

The devastation caused by the Palisades, Eaton, and other fires in Los Angeles has led to a substantial task of rebuilding, with numerous engineering and environmental queries yet unanswered. However, trauma experts and professionals emphasize that an equally crucial aspect is psychological rebuilding – the immense challenge of reviving feelings of confidence and hope, which too have been reduced to ruins along with the physical structures.

While it’s important to remember that there’s no one-size-fits-all solution for grief, insights from professionals challenge some widely accepted beliefs about mourning. Adjusting these misconceptions could potentially pave the way towards a more effective healing process.

David Kessler, an author and grief expert behind Grief.com, clarifies that while we often associate grief with death, it encompasses any unwanted change in ourselves. Given our current circumstances, we’re all dealing with changes we didn’t ask for, which triggers a sense of grief.

Kessler resides in Studio City with his family, and they’ve kept their emergency bags ready for a week. He expresses doubts about people fully comprehending the challenges that lie ahead even after unpacking their suitcases. “The old adage goes, ‘just because the fire trucks leave doesn’t mean it’s over.’ This is merely the start,” he says. He also notes, “It might be simple for us to focus on providing physical necessities like food, blankets, and coats; however, mental health issues are far more difficult to comprehend.

I’ve tried to maintain the original structure while making it more readable and using simpler terms.)

Joanne Cacciatore, an Arizona State University professor and author of the book “Bearing the Unbearable”, suggests that people should consider therapy to express their grief. However, she acknowledges that this may not be effective for everyone, particularly internal processors who might find it burdensome. She recommends alternative methods such as writing or solo hiking for these individuals.

When someone’s loved ones are still alive, it might seem inappropriate to use the word ‘grief.’ However, experts suggest that this feeling is appropriate when one experiences a loss such as the loss of a home and its belongings. Items like a grandparent’s jewelry, a child’s artwork, or a memento from a honeymoon can hold more than just physical value; they embody moments and memories. As Steve Leder, senior rabbi of Los Angeles’ Wilshire Boulevard Temple and author of the grief memoir “The Beauty That Remains,” stated during a Zoom call, “These objects are not just inanimate things. They’re containers for experiences.

Individuals who have experienced the destruction of a house fire often speak about an ongoing cycle of remorse when it comes to possessions. As Chris Kelly, a writer-producer for Real Time With Bill Maher, who lost his Malibu home in the 2018 Woolsey Fire, puts it, “The list of what you should have done differently when you left and what you didn’t do right is something that will continuously play over in your mind for a long period.” He further explains that the pain associated with this loss persists. “Families… used to have heirlooms,” he says, “and unfortunately, you are no longer one of those families.

Realizing that truth is equivalent to experiencing what trauma specialists refer to as “shattered assumptions theory” – the point when an individual acknowledges that their previous life goals are no longer achievable, and a completely new set of aspirations needs to be established. This revelation carries such profound implications that the body naturally manages both this realization and associated stress hormones by gradually releasing a denial mechanism into the system. As Cacciatore explains, “It has to seep into the bloodstream slowly because if it didn’t, we wouldn’t be able to handle it.”

Acknowledging that truth is like going through what trauma experts call the “shattered assumptions theory” – the instant when someone understands their past dreams for life are no longer viable, and they must create a new set of aspirations. This understanding holds such great significance that the body regulates both this realization and related stress hormones by gradually letting go of denial. As Cacciatore states, “It needs to enter the bloodstream slowly because if it didn’t, we wouldn’t be able to cope with it.

Similarly, the impact persists: a study involving laboratory animals exposed chemically to a novel danger found that quite unexpectedly, this fear was passed down to their subsequent generations.

Facing such powerful circumstances, many individuals can only strive to express and rebuild what was once there by narrating stories. Kessler explains that “storytelling is one of the most effective ways to cope with grief.” Thus, you might hear someone repeatedly share anecdotes about their father doing something specific. In the upcoming months, people who have lost their homes or community may engage in this frequently as a means of dealing with their loss – and that’s okay, it’s a sign of them working through their feelings.

Just as experts like Kessler advise against criticizing those dealing with grief, they also caution against embracing “toxic positivity,” a term used to describe reassuring trauma survivors that everything will eventually turn out okay. This approach can unintentionally undermine their current emotions, he points out. (He, along with others, stresses that even Los Angeles residents who haven’t lost their homes may still be grappling with profound fear and anxiety at this time. “Simply deciding what to keep during a casual walk through the house is an underestimated significant moment.”)

Furthermore, experts caution that revisiting damaged areas, such as returning to the Palisades or Altadena after a fire, might stir up emotions. According to Cacciatore, this action could lead to reliving the loss once more.

Jeff Berg, a long-time resident of Palisades and previously the chairman of ICM and Resolution, expresses his concern about how children in his community might be affected. “They’re accustomed to visiting the Little League or the town square or school,” says Berg, now managing Northside Services. “But when they return there, they may ask ‘where am I?'” He then reflects, “This is going to require individuals who are particularly skilled in mental health to address this issue.

Although it may seem difficult, briefly returning could still hold some significance. Rabbi Leder of Wilshire Boulevard suggests that victims should consider visiting the remains of their once-charred home. He advises, ‘Even if you’re uncertain or hesitant, go for it.’ His reasoning is, ‘By seeing and speaking about it, I can find a way to endure it.’

Ricki Lake has faced more than her fair share of tragedies directly. In 2010, she bravely fled a housefire in Malibu with her two young sons, followed by the tragic suicide of her ex-husband, Christian Evans, in 2017. Seeking a new beginning, she planned and moved into a new home in the Palisades shortly afterwards. Currently, she resides there with her husband Ross Burningham, whom she married in 2022.

Last week, I witnessed my own home go up in flames, and the desperate attempt by Burningham to quell the blaze with a garden hose ended up becoming an internet sensation, as the video spread like wildfire on Instagram.

In a heartfelt moment during the Zoom call, Lake shared with the survivors, “We’ve created a safe haven.” Despite her emotional state, she was almost in pieces, she admitted. Yet, she emphasized that past hardships have transformed into “gifts and blessings” for her.

Experts say that this can happen with the right amount of work (and a little luck).

Alexandra Beth Solomon, a clinical psychologist and Northwestern University adjunct professor who hosts the podcast ‘Reimagining Love’, mentions a concept called post-traumatic growth. She explains that while it might seem premature to discuss this, post-traumatic growth can coexist with post-traumatic stress. This theory suggests that when we properly handle grief, it can lead to a more profound understanding of spirituality, empathy, connectedness, and appreciation.

She points out that “while it’s impossible to guarantee this outcome, certain circumstances can greatly increase the chances,” such as “seeking support from a community, expressing difficult emotions openly without detaching oneself,” and avoiding prolonged states of anger or fear. She explains, “If we can keep our trauma experiences more interconnected, there’s less risk that they will overpower us.

Kloots explains that post her traumatic experience, she found herself existing with both growth and stress coexisting within her. “You transform into a new version of yourself,” she stated.

Then, taking a deep breath, she added, “Grief changed how I lived, how I loved.

“Grief,” she noted, “turns you into someone you didn’t know existed before.”

As a concerned supporter, I’d like to share a helpful resource: if you or anyone you know is dealing with mental health difficulties, don’t hesitate to reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). It’s there for you when you need someone to talk to.

Chris Gardner contributed to this report.

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2025-01-15 17:25