Justice Takes Crypto for a Wild Ride: Victims Reimbursed Like It’s 2022!

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Ah, the exquisite irony! Those caught in the labyrinths of FTX, Celsius, Voyager, and BlockFi now find themselves paid back in a currency that time cruelly mocked—frozen forever at the humble $17,000 Bitcoin valuation of a bygone 2022, as if the world had not since pirouetted into the dazzling $100,000+ stratosphere by 2025. 🕰️💸

Bitcoin at that moment was a languid creature, snoozing beneath winter’s shadow. But now? It dances wildly, a phoenix soaring skyward while the wounded claimants clutch to grayscale dollars as if they were gilded coins. The tragedy? Their reimbursement amounts were locked in that sleepy past, like receiving a birthday check stamped with last year’s laughable inflation. 🎭🎩

The DOJ, ever the Cupid of justice, admits the law’s a cold-hearted romantic, binding recompense to the fraud’s timestamp, dismissing any hope for future windfalls. Such poetic cruelty! Yet in the wings, two valiant troupes—the Office of Legal Policy and the Office of Legislative Affairs—prepare their scripts, summoned to reimagine the tale and perhaps rewrite the ending. 🎬📜

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2025-04-18 16:08