Meta Poaches OpenAI Wizards, Buys Half a Unicorn, & Powers Up With Nuclear Mojo

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Deep in the fluorescent jungles of Silicon Valley—where fortunes, egos, and battery percentages collide—Meta has decided the best way to invent AGI (Artificial General Intelligence, not to be confused with Astrology or Gourmet Ice-cream) is to scoop up whoever knows what “o1 reasoning” means. Enter Trapit Bansal, once wrangler of wild algorithms at OpenAI, now bravely exploring Meta’s cafeterias in search of decent coffee and photosynthetic lightning ⚡️ moments.

Bansal’s defection makes him the latest in an illustrious parade of OpenAI ex-pats, trotting cheerfully behind Lucas Beyer, Alexander Kolesnikov, and Xiaohua Zhai—all now happily employed where privacy is a suggestion rather than a rule. Someone at TechCrunch watched the parade and dutifully wrote it down, presumably impressed by the synchronized formation. 🥁

Why the hiring frenzy? Apparently, Meta wants to build smarter AIs. Not just smart enough to recommend cat videos or misidentify your aunt as a sandwich, but smart-smart. Like “real world” smart. The kind of intelligence that can balance a checkbook, organize a sock drawer, and maybe even understand why British people queue.

a frantic quest to accumulate AI know-how, like squirrels hoarding acorns for the most overhyped winter ever.

Meanwhile, in Other Plotlines: Meta Buys Stuff Like It’s Black Friday 🎁

If hiring OpenAI superstars wasn’t enough flex, in June Meta acquired 49% of Scale AI—a data labeling company worth almost $15 billion, which, in tech-world currency, is three yachts and an option on Mars. In a move totally unrelated to world domination, Scale AI’s CEO Alexandr Wang will now join Meta and presumably keep his desk clear for the apocalypse.

Meta also decided that regular power sources are \*far\* too ordinary for AI aspirations and signed a 20-year nuclear energy deal with Constellation Energy. Yes, nuclear. Because nothing says “cloud infrastructure” like 1.1 gigawatts—enough to fuel a time machine or at least upload twice as many beach photos per second. Delivery starts in 2027, which gives everyone plenty of time to forget about this paragraph.

And as if scripts weren’t overloaded enough, in May Meta joined forces with defense tech company Anduril to roll out AI-augmented reality headsets for the U.S. military. These headsets will finally answer the burning question: “What if your helmet could nag you, read tactical battlefield data, and suggest lunch spots at the same time?” Anduril’s Lattice platform will ensure soldiers never again miss a critical sensor ping or an opportunity to tell Alexa “no, not now.”

All in all, if AI doesn’t take over the world, at least we’ll have a snazzier nuclear-powered notification for when it does.🤖🚀

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2025-06-27 00:44