Rumors swirl at the marbled halls of Washington: President Donald Trump, never one to shy away from a grand gesture or a possible bankruptcy, has allegedly thrown his golden-hued support behind Senator Cynthia Lummis’s latest caprice—a plan for the United States government to buy a magnificent one million Bitcoins. The move, one assumes, is to provide the country with a digital stash to match its formidable stockpile of cheese, corn, and military parades.
Senator Lummis of Wyoming—whose reputation for wrangling both bulls and blockchains precedes her—proudly introduced what she calls the BITCOIN Act (the full title is so lengthy it may exceed Bitcoin’s market cap). The scheme would place the Treasury Department at the helm of a sprawling network of Bitcoin bunkers, presumably located somewhere between Fort Knox and the server room at a Wyoming truck stop. The goal? To acquire a casual five percent of the global Bitcoin supply, and—roaring like a regulated bull—put Uncle Sam right at the head of the crypto dinner table.
This week, Senator Lummis confided—rather in the manner of someone revealing the secret ingredient in their aunt’s potato salad—that she is “particularly pleased with President Trump’s support” of her initiative. One almost expected her to thank him for remembering her birthday as well.
“The BITCOIN Act is the only solution to our nation’s $36 trillion debt. I’m grateful for a forward-thinking president who not only recognizes this but acts on it.”
Wyoming’s leading Bitcoin enthusiast—presumably in a ten-gallon hat, or at least a baseball cap with a subversive slogan—emphasized that American digital supremacy is within reach, if only the Senate will muster the requisite courage (and Wi-Fi signal).
“As Bitcoin marches inexorably into the daily lives of ordinary folk, the whole financial contraption becomes more secure, robust, and—dare I say it—user-friendly.”
“We should, nay must, seize our destiny as crypto-lords of the universe. The digital future awaits. Control of one’s money for every man, woman, or person sufficiently brave to remember their password.”
🏦💰😏
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2025-05-03 22:06