In an astonishing display of what might be politely termed “diversification,” Green Minerals and Panther Metals, hitherto known for digging unremarkable holes in the earth, have elected to add Bitcoin to their ledgers. The news, trumpeted earlier this week, promises to redefine “mineral wealth”—now apparently digitised and delightfully intangible.
Not to be outdone by each other or by their own accountants, Panther Metals (a name one imagines was chosen after all the competent felines were taken) has reportedly acquired 1 BTC for the princely sum of $5.4 million. This, one is assured, represents but a morsel of their ₤4 million entrée into the world of cryptocurrencies. All to be marshaled, we are told, in the pursuit of the Pick Lake deposit for their Winston Project in Ontario—a sentence that manages to sound both impressive and pallid at once.
“Panther Metals is executing on a bold and innovative strategy to position ourselves as a true hedge,” declared CEO Darren Hazelwood, who presumably spent the morning mainlining TED Talks while awaiting his Bitfinex password reset email. Panther’s strategy, it seems, is to become a sentient see-saw between obsolete fiat and the capricious digital age—a prospect that should give comfort to absolutely no one except maybe their PR consultant.
Across the hall, or at least on another conference call, Green Minerals has taken up Bitcoin not just for sport but as a pillar of their so-called “blockchain strategy.” Apparently, this will bring about a utopia of mineral provenance and operational brilliance hitherto unknown outside of PowerPoint presentations. Bitcoin, it emerges, will now render all minerals not only green but also blessed with the sacred sheen of NFTs.
“This strategic move reinforces Green Minerals’ position as a leader,” announced Green Minerals with a straight face—never let it be said that ambition is dead, or that irony has gone out of fashion.
One might have thought such schadenfreudian manoeuvres would unnerve the markets. On the contrary! Green Minerals AS is up 11%, and has climbed more than 130% since these announcements. Panther Metals has soared a plucky 47%, perhaps on the wings of optimism or mere disbelief. Yahoo Finance assures us this is all quite serious.
The price of Bitcoin now lounges at $106,712—give or take a Lamborghini—and trading volume has collapsed by 30%, implying that even the most fevered speculators are taking tea and waiting for the next act.
Brace yourselves for the brave new world of mining: less pickaxe, more pixel. 🦾⛏️💸
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2025-06-25 11:54