Oh, my dear wayfarer through the labyrinth of pixelated fortunes, the world of cryptocurrencies—those shimmering virtual darlings of avarice—became a crimson slaughterhouse this Saturday. Why, you ponder? Blame it on the tempestuous whims of one large, orange man with a golden penchant for penning executive orders.
President Donald Trump, our perennial maestro of unpredictability, laid forth his mighty tariff wand on January 31 with a blustering flair. Tariffs aimed at Mexico, Canada, and China he announced, each country snapping shut their wallets like offended guests at a penny-pinching host’s banquet. Though those aimed at northern and southern cousins were momentarily halted, the damage, my friend, was done. Investors, much like delicate porcelain teacups knocking together on a turbulent Atlantic crossing, spilled into panic. Stocks and digital blips alike tumbled.
Ah, but that’s not all—no, never merely one misfortune in the land of crypto! The dark underbelly of opportunism revealed itself through an army, nay, a legion of fraudulent tokens bearing his Trumpian name, as per the sharp-eyed sleuths at The Guardian. Over 700 sham coins, waving their poorly coded banners, marched forth to tug at the last resilient strands of investor trust. It worked, oh yes, it worked! Chaos and calamity ensued, volatility cracking its knuckles in delight. 💀
TFW you find out the “Crypto President” is also “Tariff Man” $TRUMP 🤦♂️
— Luke Kawa (@LJKawa) February 3, 2025
And as if this carnival weren’t wild enough, word on the blockchain suggested—brace yourself, reader—that our dear Kanye West might soon ascend into the coinry stratosphere. “YeCoin,” “WestToken”—who knows what monstrosity might emerge? Yet, this too failed to ignite any flicker of enthusiasm. Investors shrugged, much like jaded moviegoers unimpressed by the latest superhero sequel.
Still, the crystal-clear waters of prediction remain murky. Analysts whisper that the market’s destiny hinges on whether this tariff maelstrom intensifies, and whether regulation will tame—or further provoke—the capering antics of meme coins. Stay tuned, dear reader, for where there’s uncertainty, there’s also spectacle.
Now, the roll call of the battered and bruised (as of 10:30 a.m. EST):
| CRYPTOCURRENCY | PRICE | 7-DAY GAINS +/- |
| Bitcoin (BTC) | $95,988 | -5.8% |
| Ethereum (ETH) | $2,609 | -19.4% |
| Solana (SOL) | $194.06 | -14.2% |
| XRP (XRP) | $2.41 | -18.9% |
| Dogecoin (DOGE) | $0.2496 | -22.4% |
| Shiba Inu (SHIB) | $0.00001561 | -15.4% |
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2025-02-08 19:02