TD Bank’s Hilarious Cost-Cutting Circus: 2,000 Employees and $3 Billion Gone! 🎪💸

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Hold onto your wallets, folks! Toronto Dominion Bank (TD) is about to pull a disappearing act with a $3 billion investment portfolio while giving the pink slip to 2,000 employees! 🎩💼

In a recent earnings call, the bank’s senior vice president and chief financial officer, Kelvin Tran, announced a restructuring program that sounds like a bad magic trick: “We’re cutting costs to create capacity to invest in the future!” Spoiler alert: the future looks a lot like fewer employees! 🪄✨

Tran cheerfully informed us that this will lead to a “2% reduction in our workforce.” That’s right, folks! Just a casual 2%—like losing a couple of fries from your order! 🍟😅

“Whenever possible, we will look to achieve this through attrition,” he said, as if that makes it any less painful. “We’ll redeploy talent where we’re accelerating our capabilities.” Sounds fancy, but it’s just corporate speak for “Good luck finding a new job!”

Raymond Chun, the big cheese at TD, told shareholders that they’re shutting down their $3 billion point-of-sale financing operations in the US. Why? Because focusing on core businesses is all the rage! 🎯💰

“This business is a series of bespoke arrangements with retailers,” he explained, as if that makes it any less of a mess. Exiting this circus act is supposed to boost US retail ROE (return on equity) and free up cash for a shiny new bank card business. Who doesn’t love a good card? Just don’t swipe it too hard! 💳😜

Last year, TD Bank’s American unit had a little run-in with the law, admitting to violating the Bank Secrecy Act. They handed over $1.8 billion to the Department of Justice and $1.3 billion to the Financial Crimes Enforcement Network (FinCEN). Talk about a costly mistake! 💸🚨

Prosecutors claimed the bank couldn’t keep track of trillions of dollars in transactions, making it easier for drug traffickers to move cash around like it’s Monopoly money! 🎲💵

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2025-05-26 22:04