The SEC Is Playing Crypto ETF Whack-a-Mole and Everyone’s Losing Patience

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The SEC has done that thing again where you’re waiting to hear if you made the team, and instead of “yes” or “no,” they just smile whimsically and tell you to check back after summer break. This time, it’s about those exchange-traded funds for the cryptocurrency set—specifically, Dogecoin and XRP, two digital tokens as misunderstood as the fanny pack but somehow still around. Official filings reveal that our friends at the SEC are deferring the Big Decision until June. Because why only “punt” in football? Bureaucrats like a good punt too. 🏈

The initial requests for these magical ETFs came from exchanges with names that sound like hipster baby names—NYSE Arca and Cboe BZX—and were about listing Bitwise’s Dogecoin ETF and Franklin Templeton’s XRP ETF. Put simply: they’re trying to convince the government to let you buy cryptocurrency like you buy your index funds, only with more memes and fewer retirement plans.

Meanwhile, Nasdaq—a name we’ve all heard but no one’s sure what it stands for (National Association of Super Dull Acronym Kings?)—has thrown its hat in the ring with a filing to list a 21Shares Dogecoin ETF. Because if there’s one thing crypto needed, it’s more ETFs and fewer people asking, “What actually is Dogecoin?”

Dogecoin, by the way, is the sassiest of memecoins, currently valued at $26 billion, according to CoinGecko, which I assume is either a data provider or an exotic pet store. XRP, meanwhile, has $133 billion floating around in it—not that you can buy groceries with any of this, but never mind. (Insert collective sigh from people who tried paying for coffee with XRP last year.)

Deluge of filings

Right now, the SEC is sitting atop a pile of ETF requests so tall you could use it to reach a conclusion, though the SEC shows no intention of doing so. As of late April, some 70 crypto ETFs are stacked in their inbox—if the inbox was an actual box, it would be squashing the office plant in the corner.

It’s not just Dogecoin and XRP—oh, no. Asset managers are out there pitching funds tied to tokens named after everything from birds, meme dogs, and, allegedly, a 2x Melania, which sounds less like an investment vehicle and more like a WWE gimmick. Eric Balchunas, a Bloomberg analyst who’s seen it all and lives to tweet about it, summed it up thus: “Everything from XRP, Litecoin and Solana to Penguins, Doge and 2x Melania and everything in between.” If your head is spinning, know that you are, at last, in sync with the rest of us.

Fueling this ETF gold rush is pressure from President Trump, who has decided the SEC needs to be a little more “cool dad” at the party and less “dad who turns the Wi-Fi off at midnight.” Whether that works remains to be seen, but the rush is on, and altcoin hopefuls are lining up like it’s Black Friday outside a Best Buy where the TVs are all NFTs.

Analysts—those professional wet blankets—are noting the public may end up ignoring these altcoin ETFs altogether, in much the same way people ignore the salad bar to order fries with their burger. Crypto ETFs, they say, are only as good as the hype. Or, to quote Balchunas, ETF-izing your coin “is like being in a band and getting your songs added to all the music streaming services. Doesn’t guarantee listens but it puts your music where the vast majority of the listeners are.” Ever the optimist, he left out the bit about record labels dropping you entirely.

While exchanges are doing their best to look enthusiastic, they’re also urging the SEC to go full-on “dad mode” with digital assets, demanding—per a juicy April 25 comment from Nasdaq—that anything acting like a security should be regulated like one. Because in the end, we all just want to fit in, or at least make it look like we’re trying.

And so, the SEC’s game of bureaucratic dodgeball continues. Stay tuned for June, when they’ll either bless the Doge ETFs or flip a coin to decide. 🪙

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2025-04-30 00:07