This Law Could Exile Tether—Or Will Crypto’s Big Fish Outwit Congress? 🐟💰

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In the fogged, Byzantine corridors of American political invention—otherwise known as Congress—some bright bureaucrat, caffeinated beyond salvation, has unfurled the “GENIUS ACT” (pause for laughter at the oxymoron). This bill, dear reader, orchestrates a sonata of regulation for “stablecoins,” those digitized dollars, as if Benjamin Franklin had been bitten by a blockchain bug in a fever dream.

The Senate, in a display of vim reminiscent of a turtle discovering espresso, briskly passed the bill last week; it slouches now toward the House. Should it stumble into law, glitter will rain upon the digital assets arena, but also shackles, manacles, and, dare I say, IRS-shaped handcuffs. Companies must now show at least the decorum of a boring old bank: back the coins with “safe” assets—cash, toddler-tame Treasury bills. And, sacrilege of sacrileges, audit themselves in public, yearly, like a magician revealing every trick.

Enter, waltzing on tiptoe, the rather rotund Tether. A proud parent of a $156 billion brood of digital baubles, Tether backs its darling coins with Bitcoin and gold, and provides audits the way a stage mentalist provides real telepathy. This does not quite pass muster with the gleaming auditors of the GENIUS ACT.

You don’t need to summon Holmes to follow this clue: Scott Armstrong, formerly of the prosecutorly persuasion, now penning thrilling footnotes at McGovern Weems, assures us the law leaves all as clear as a freshly Windexed window. “No ambiguity,” he brays. If Tether doesn’t toe the line, there’s little left to do but turn the digital lights off and slink from the American stage.

Tether, asked for an opinion, demurred with the dignified silence of a French artiste. Their CEO, Paolo Ardoino, mumbled something about birthing a U.S.-specific sibling-coin in the near future (perhaps named “Tether: American Dream, Now With More Compliance”). Also, Tether shifted its legal lair to El Salvador, where the volcanoes are hot and regulatory headaches are presumably less so.

The legislative tug-of-war continues: the Senate offers three years for obedience, while the House, in a fit of Calvinist severity, just 18 months. Both versions must synchronize, like two metronomes in a wind tunnel, before President Trump (whose legislative attention span is measured in nanoseconds) can sign the bill with a flourish and a Tweet.

Oh, the extra fun: firms must now gossip to police about “suspicious activity,” play freeze tag with criminal assets, and otherwise act like that most honorable institution—a regional bank (insert your own laughter here).

If you recall 2021, back when Tether paid the New York Attorney General to avoid confessing to an $850 million whoopsie-daisy, you’ll savor the irony. Since then, Tether issues quarterly updates with all the transparency of a Venetian mask. Critics, brandishing the new rulebook, are unimpressed.

Tether might enact that classic move: the huff and flounce. Its European adventure ended similarly once continental regulators sharpened their pencils. Truth be told, most Tether transactions already whirl and twirl outside the U.S. dance floor, taking place on foreign crypto bazaars in Asia and Latin America, with Binance presiding as master of ceremonies.

But even in America, Tether hasn’t entirely worn out its welcome mat: Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, once of Cantor Fitzgerald, reportedly holds Tether’s hand through thick and thin (and via U.S. Treasuries). He did solemnly vow his own shares to his offspring when entering government, because nothing says “ethical” like passing the loot to your kids.

Meanwhile, Circle, Tether’s U.S.-bred nemesis, is fattening itself on Congressional largesse, having gone public and ballooned 50% in value post-GENIUS. Its coins, smaller but less rogueish, toe every line the bill draws. Should this legal contraption lurch into law, expect a Circle dance around the befuddled Tether—complete with confetti, lawyers, and perhaps a small brass band. 🎺🚀

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2025-06-26 00:06