This Week in Crypto: Nuclear Strikes, Lost Billions & a Penguin Frenzy 🐧

One hardly dares to glance at one’s cryptographic portfolio these days without first taking a bracing sip of gin and casting a wary glance toward the horizon, as if the next cataclysm might materialize on the gust. And yet, here we are again, another week and the digital chancers remain unbowed—if only ever so slightly bewildered.

The Chronicles of Crypto: This Week’s Painted Parade

The grand drama commenced with Bitcoin tumbling headlong below the ostentatious $100,000 dais in the wake of America’s latest display of foreign policy subtlety (read: lobbing missiles at Iran’s nuclear amusements). Investors scattered with the elegance of startled pheasants, leaving a vapor trail of $855 million in evaporated dreams. But behold: soon, as is the custom, the charlatans and prophets returned to the crypt, and Bitcoin lurched up to $107,588—a Lazarus act propelled by a 75.8% rise in volume and, presumably, caffeinated trading interns in New Jersey basements.🍸

America Decides Mortgage Collateral Should Be as Rational as Dogecoin

The U.S. Federal Housing Finance Agency, in a move guaranteeing future dinner party anecdotes, announced plans to consider crypto holdings for mortgage-worthiness. This delights persons owning both houses and meme coins, and baffles those already daunted by the subtlety of modern finance. Quite how this will look in practice remains to be seen, but we expect equal parts pandemonium and LinkedIn posts declaring “the future is now.”

Ethereum’s Taste for Speed—and Potential Traffic Accidents

One enterprising Ethereum developer, desperately keen to shave precious seconds off all our lives, proposed halving the block time from twelve seconds to six. The pitch? More transactions, faster. The risk? If history is any guide, at least one catastrophic bug, promptly blamed on Mercury retrograde. 🚀

SEI Jumps 70%—Because Circle Bought In, or Perhaps Just for the Lols

A ledger entry in Circle’s overstuffed IPO paperwork revealed SEI tokens tucked amongst the silver spoons. Cue a single-day surge: 40%, and the collective noise of crypto telegram channels excitedly typing “TO THE MOON” in all-caps. Funnily enough, nobody quite agrees what SEI does, but everyone’s agreed to smile and nod vigorously for now.

NYSE to List “Truth Social” ETF—Just Saying the Quiet Bit Loud

On a dare, one presumes, NYSE filed to list the Truth Social Bitcoin and Ethereum ETF, devoting 75% to Bitcoin, 25% to Ethereum, and 0% to common sense (ticker: B.T.). Crypto.com, already in therapy over their naming conventions, will apparently safeguard it. Expect lawsuits, memes, and possibly armed guards at SEC offices.

OKX’s American Sojourn: After a $505 million time-out, OKX contemplates a U.S. IPO, no doubt hoping investors have short memories and deep pockets.

Pompliano’s Modest $1B SPAC Bash: ProCap BTC goes public; champagne to be served exclusively in laser-eyed goblets.

ARK Invest’s $255.9M Coinbase Disposal: Cathie Wood sells Coinbase stock at new highs, presumably to finance a yacht shaped like a candlestick chart.

SharpLink Bets All on Ethereum: Amassed a cache of 188,478 ETH. Should the price ever fall below $100, expect sighs reminiscent of Edwardian fainting couches.

The Great Escape: Bit Digital Runs from Bitcoin

In a plot twist worthy of a farce, Nasdaq darling Bit Digital promptly abandoned its Bitcoin mining post—in favour of staking Ethereum for yields, bless them. With $44.6 million in ETH and $34.5 million in BTC on the books, all Bitcoin will soon be transmogrified into Ether—because nothing says confidence like swapping everything for a slightly faster magic token.

🚨JUST IN: 🇺🇸Bit Digital $BTBT doesn’t understand #bitcoin and will sell their 417.6 BTC for ETH, yikes.
— NLNico (@btcNLNico) June 25, 2025

Having raised $150 million, Bit Digital now plans to bask in annual yields of 4–6.5%—or, as known in crypto, “a nap before the next calamity.” Whether this wager signals genius or is the financial equivalent of betting on the Queen’s corgis to win at Ascot remains a question for posterity. 🐕🪙

Basking in Glory, Hiding in Shame: This Week’s Gainers and Losers

Gainers	Losers
PENGU (Pudgy Penguins): +31%	KAIA (Kaia): -14%
SEI (Sei): +28%	AERO (Aerodrome Finance): -13%
SYRUP (Maple Finance): +25%	CRV (Curve DAO Token): -11%
FORM (Four): +18%	TIA (Celestia): -9%
SPX (SPX6900): +16%	CRO (Cronos): -8%

The Grand Delusions for Next Week

Brace yourself: Federal Reserve Chair Powell prepares to unleash his latest sermon on markets, GDP data lurks menacingly in the shadows, and Core PCE inflation figures are due to either reassure or plunge us all into despair. Meanwhile, if certain parties in Iran forget their manners again, expect fresh tremors in Bitcoin and migraines for all who dare to HODL.

All in all, a perfectly unremarkable week in crypto. Cheerio! 🥂

2025-06-28 16:34