Toni Collette’s Hereditary Performance Mirrors My Grief

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My mother died recently.

What people often express is that everyone experiences grief uniquely, and for me, though I’ve wept profusely since then, it’s finding solace in two things – writing and films – that truly help me cope (apart from my loved ones who remain). So, I’ve chosen to work through my sorrow here.

Previously, we explored horror movies that authentically tackle grief, and Heredity was included in that list. After experiencing the loss of my mom, I now understand how spot-on Ari Aster was in his portrayal of grief on screen. Some might suggest discussing Midsommar, another one of Aster’s films, as it delves into the death of parents (all of Aster’s works revolve around grief). However, for me, Heredity seems to mirror more closely my own experiences with the loss of my mother. Here’s why I feel that way.

The Mother’s Grief Seems Endless

Lately, I lost my mother, which means I haven’t experienced as much time as the family in “Hereditary” does, but I can empathize deeply with the persistent sorrow that Toni Collette’s character, Annie, and her son Peter (Alex Wolff), are enduring.

The movie explores two significant deaths: one is the peaceful demise of the grandmother, while the other is the abrupt, tragic death of Annie’s daughter, Charlie (Milly Shapiro). Not surprisingly, the manner in which the family copes with these two losses varies greatly.

For Aster, his portrayal of the sudden loss felt incredibly realistic, reminding me of my own mother’s unexpected passing. This has made it challenging for me to navigate the complex emotions I’ve experienced recently, as each day brings something new.

In the movie, Charlie’s demise significantly disrupts the entire family. The timeframe since Charlie’s passing in the film, as well as the time since my own mother passed away, isn’t clearly defined, but I can relate to the profound impact it has had on me. Nowadays, days seem stretchingly long because I can no longer reach out to my mother whenever I wish or have conversations with her anymore.

In this movie, there’s a persistent feeling of prolonged anticipation (about something specific), which now seems incredibly authentic following the passing of my own mother.

The Mother Also Seems To Forget The Other Members Of Her Family Throughout Her Grieving Process

Upon discovering that my mom passed away, I phoned my dad and shared with him that he was the only family I had remaining.

Stricken with sorrow, he informed me that despite our loss, I still had my brothers, sisters, spouse, and precious children – the most valuable treasures of all. Overwhelmed by my grief at the moment, I had inadvertently pushed everyone else from my thoughts. To me, it seemed like only Dad and I were left.

In the movie “Hereditary”, Annie struggles to cope after her son Charlie’s death, distancing herself from her family. Overwhelmed by her personal grief, she appears emotionally detached when with other family members. Her son, who has been experiencing psychosomatic issues since his sister’s passing, requires genuine assistance, yet Annie refuses to provide it, harboring blame towards him for his sister’s demise. When her husband attempts to rouse her from her lethargy, she responds angrily.

I haven’t behaved as turbulent as Toni Collette’s character in a while, given that I’ve released my feelings and found support from many people. Yet, I can relate to her acting. I’ve made an effort to stay emotionally available for my spouse and kids, but there have been moments when it was challenging.

Sometimes, I find it challenging to break free from my thoughts and focus on the present moment. Each day brings its unique set of experiences.

She Feels Guilt Even Though There Was Nothing She Could Do

Since my mother passed away, I’ve found myself constantly wondering if there were ways I could have acted differently. I phoned her on the day she died, and she informed me that she wasn’t feeling well. I assured her I would rush over, but she firmly refused. Instead, she asked me to call back in an hour. When I did, she didn’t answer.

Since that day happened, a piece of me has been constantly mulling it over. I’ve asked myself repeatedly, “Why didn’t I just descend there instead?” Yes, Mom was obstinate, but isn’t that irrelevant? You should have gone! On the flip side, I often remind myself, “How could I have gained entry to the house if I had?

To be honest, I’m unsure if there was anything I could do to save my mother, and it seems that regret may stay with me forever (Despite others telling me not to shoulder the burden of self-blame).

In the movie “Hereditary“, Toni Collette’s character appears to accuse her son of being responsible for Charlie’s death. However, it seems that she also harbors self-blame, as she compelled her son to accompany Charlie to that fateful party.

Given Toni Collette’s exceptional portrayal in this role, her expressions reveal a multitude of emotions, including self-blame. Despite her efforts to shift blame elsewhere, she carries an inner conviction that she bears some responsibility for the events, even if they were unforeseen. This realization has resonated deeply with me, and I wish it hadn’t, but unfortunately, I can relate. Could I have taken more action?

Her Catatonic State Seems Very Accurate

The one thing that really sticks out to me in Hereditary is Toni Collette’s catatonic-like state.

Throughout various moments, her gaze lingers, clearly lost in thoughts about Charlie. Interacting with others seems almost peripheral to her, an experience akin to speaking past her. This situation understandably aggravates her psychiatrist spouse, as he yearns for her to find closure and heal.

However, yes, I understand. Since my mother passed away, there are moments when I find myself lost in thought. It seems as though I’m looking at nothing, but really, I’m reminiscing. I’m recalling all the joyful times we shared together, fortunate to have had so many years with her, and even more so after the arrival of her grandchildren.

As a movie buff pondering over Annie’s story, I can only imagine the haunting memories that resurface for her – the chilling moment when she discovered her child, decapitated, in the backseat of an abandoned vehicle.

Indeed, I recognize the state of immobility and distant gaze as well. I’ve been there myself. It serves as a reminder of you, my dear Mother.

You Can Tell She’s Trying To Move On To The Best Of Her Abilities

Surprisingly enough, composing this piece has provided a sort of healing effect for me. As previously mentioned, writing is one of the few things that offers me solace apart from films and my remaining family, as well as friends who have been incredibly supportive, ensuring I stay resilient.

It’s clear that Annie is making an effort to leave the past behind, yet she finds herself unable to do so completely. Instead of constructing miniatures as before, she now incorporates her family into each creation. This indicates that despite her attempts, she remains deeply connected to them and cannot fully detach.

It’s been said that loss leaves an indelible mark on one’s life, making true, unbridled happiness elusive. There may be days when the pain feels less intense, but the void left behind is constant and undeniable. I can relate to this sentiment, as each Mother’s Day serves as a poignant reminder that it was Mom‘s cherished holiday.

When my children reach maturity, I’ll feel joyful and proud of them, without a doubt. Yet, I’ll also find myself reflecting, “I wish Mom were here to see this.” I accepted the fact that my mother would someday pass away, but nothing could fully prepare me for it, much like Annie couldn’t foresee waking up one day to learn that her daughter had died.

However, let me affirm that the film “Hereditary” is indeed a remarkable production, and it stirs deep feelings within me, especially since I miss my dear mother so much. To those who have also experienced the loss of someone precious in their lives, please understand that you are not on this journey alone. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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2025-03-05 04:08