If you’ve ever wanted to see a nation’s stock market act like an over-caffeinated squirrel trapped in a bouncy castle, just add tariffs. In fact, the only thing more jumpy than markets these days is me trying to do math without a calculator. But let’s talk about tariffs, Bitcoin, and the kind of international drama that makes you wish you’d just stuck to stamps as your speculative investment of choice.
White House Does the Tariff Hokey Pokey (And Turns Itself Around)
So apparently, in April 2025—because we’re now living in the future—President Trump announced tariffs on Chinese goods so high that the only thing greater was the collective sigh from Bed Bath & Beyond’s boardroom. China wasn’t the only one getting the spiky stick: 180 other countries got their tariffs hiked, too. As a result, the world’s financial markets stopped, dropped, and rolled… straight below $80,000 for Bitcoin. Thanks, trade wars—you’ve been a real joy.
But—twist of fate!—the White House decided tariffs could take a time-out (except for China, which is obviously everyone’s favorite kid to punish in this family). The news landed better than free drinks at an airport lounge, and suddenly, Bitcoin was back above $100,000, and stockbrokers across Manhattan reported feeling something called ‘hope’ for the first time in eight months.
After many long meetings (possibly including karaoke and passive-aggressive fortune cookies), the US and China agreed in Geneva to stop whacking each other with tariff sticks—at least for 90 days. Both sides agreed to cut 24 percentage points of tariffs, which sounds specific but is exactly the kind of math teachers warned us about using in real life.
Apparently, this diplomatic breakthrough was made in the spirit of “mutual opening, continued communication, cooperation, and mutual respect,” which is basically what your therapist says when your parents come to the session.
Bitcoin’s Rocket to 110k: Cue Confetti Cannons and Existential Dread 🎉💸
Between the headlines and the cryptic statements, Bitcoin has learned a valuable lesson: all news is good news if you spin it hard enough. With positive vibes flooding the market and everyone too scared to say anything negative (just in case), Bitcoin is positioned for a rally so wild, you’d think someone announced free puppies and espresso shots for all investors.
The deadline for the tariff cuts is May 14. That’s right, just one day for Wall Street gamblers to get their final bets in before everything goes topsy-turvy again. No negative news for three months! That’s an eternity these days, or at least long enough for a dozen “crypto expert” podcasts to launch and die.
So, if you’re the proud owner of Bitcoin, or just enjoy watching chaos from the sidelines, keep your calendar marked for Wednesday. Who knows? Maybe your portfolio will finally stop giving you heart palpitations. Or maybe not—but at least you’ll have a great story for your next therapy session.
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2025-05-13 14:48