Trump’s Crypto Plot Unveiled: Binance, Ethereum, and the Future of Digital Gold

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Ah, what a world we live in. The chaos, the constant whirling of dollars and ideas, and the ever-elusive dream of digital gold. Last week, the ever-watchful Rumble and the mysterious Metaplanet, both eager to secure their financial fates, poured millions into Bitcoin. The U.S. Congress, not to be outdone, swiftly struck down the infamous “Broker Rule”—a relic of the Biden administration that clung to the nation like a stubborn shadow. And then, there was Coinbase, making waves by tiptoeing back into the Indian market after an absence of nearly two years, all while its CEO, Brian Armstrong, made bold declarations about mass hiring. But, of course, credit must be given where it’s due: it’s the pro-crypto stance of President Donald Trump that seems to be the wind beneath their wings. Isn’t it just… perfect? Let’s delve deeper. Oh, and bring your sarcasm along. It’s needed. 😏

Bitcoin: The Great Awakening

In a rather uninspired move, Nasdaq-listed Rumble, in its infinite wisdom, decided to diversify its treasury. What did they choose? Oh, nothing less than 188 Bitcoin (BTC), valued at a mere $17.1 million. How brave, how bold! The very image of corporate strategy at its finest. 😆

Meanwhile, across the world, Metaplanet, a Japanese investment firm (because why not?), saw its stock soar by over 8% after it accumulated a modest 162 BTC. Their strategy? Aggressive accumulation. Their goal? Who knows! But it’s all part of their grand scheme to dominate the crypto universe. Oh, the thrill of digital conquest! 😒

Ethereum: The Realm of Complexity

And then there’s Ethereum, stumbling yet again with testnets that didn’t quite perform as expected. Who could have seen that coming? After grappling with issues on the Sepolia and Holesky testnets, the Ethereum Foundation, in a move of utter brilliance, decided to launch a brand-new testnet to complete the testing of the Pectra upgrade. How utterly unshocking. Let’s all hold our breath as we wait to see if this one actually works. 😜

In a rare and almost mythical turn of events, a whale in the Ethereum market made a profit on a leveraged trade despite being liquidated. Yes, you read that right. Profits from liquidation! Truly, this is a tale for the ages, where even the liquidity pools bled millions in the process. The magic of cryptocurrency! 😅

Business: Trump’s Crypto Empire

Meanwhile, in the backrooms of power, whispers circulate that members of former President Donald Trump’s family are angling to acquire a financial stake in Binance.US. You heard it right. The largest cryptocurrency exchange might soon be mingling with the former first family. How delightfully… predictable! Nothing says ‘capitalism’ quite like the Trump family diving into the world of crypto. 👀

As if that weren’t enough, Coinbase’s very own CEO, Brian Armstrong, declared that the company would be hiring 1,000 new employees in the U.S. Could it be that Trump’s pro-crypto policies are the driving force behind such grand ambitions? How quaint. It’s almost as if the man has a magic touch for digital finance. Well, almost. 😏

Security: The Never-Ending Battle

And so, the drama continues. Hardware wallet provider Trezor, in a rare moment of competence, has finally fixed a security flaw in its Safe 3 and Safe 5 models. The flaw, which was discovered by none other than Ledger, allowed hackers to bypass some of Trezor’s safeguards against supply chain attacks. What a shocking turn of events, right? It’s almost like no one saw that coming in the realm of crypto security. 🙄

Regulation: The Circus of Bureaucracy

Across the Atlantic, European Union finance officials are shaking in their boots at the thought of Trump’s pro-crypto policies. They fear it could destabilize the fragile foundations of the Eurozone’s financial system. Oh, the drama! The anxiety of it all. Who knew that the mere pivot of a world leader could cause such commotion? 😱

On the other side of the world, Coinbase has managed to weasel its way back into India’s financial good graces, receiving approval to operate after an absence of two years. It’s like a bad breakup that no one really wanted but everyone’s pretending to be fine with. 🌍

Finally, in a move that surprised precisely no one, the U.S. House of Representatives and Senate voted to overturn the much-despised “Broker Rule” on March 11, lifting burdens on crypto brokers. Yes, it’s another win for the crypto world, and a blow to the IRS’s iron grip on digital assets. As it turns out, a little less regulation might just make the world go round. Who would’ve thought? 🙃

And let’s not forget the newly released report by Dragonfly, which revealed that U.S. crypto users were excluded from billions of dollars in crypto airdrops due to regulatory geoblocking. A true tragedy, one might say—if you’re into missing out on free money. A collective groan echoes across the land. 😬

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2025-03-16 15:28