Wall Street Pulls An All-Nighter: Coinbase Unleashes 24/7 BTC & ETH Futures!

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Once, in a world so drily predictable that even the sun itself clocked out precisely at sunset, there existed a marketplace where merchants could only barter digital baubles from nine till four. Now, dear reader, imagine the chaos—and the invigorating despair—as Coinbase Global Inc., with the air of a provincial schoolmaster finally deciding to teach his class how to cheat at chess, launches its eternal, unblinking market for Bitcoin and Ethereum futures. Leverage contracts, those wild horses of finance, now run in circles through every hour of night and day, with not even a bored janitor to close the doors.🐴

Trading After Midnight: Dresses Optional, Sleep Discouraged

The bell over the church door barely had time to ring before the villagers gathered in the town square (Discord). On May 9, the solemn-sounding Coinbase Derivatives, LLC lifted the velvet rope, and from that moment, everyone and their half-awake grandmother could trade round the clock. Indeed, traders can now respond heroically to 4 a.m. candle charts—or simply because insomnia haunts them like an unpaid tab at the tavern.

Though tradition dictated one sleep between each day of market chaos, Coinbase’s engineers, in a fit of either genius or guilty conscience, built a platform strong enough to survive the eternal night. Or so they promised. (We shall see.😏)

Clearing, that most unglamorous of tasks, is assigned to Nodal Clear—probably because no one else was awake to object. Liquidity will be kindly supported by Virtu Financial and a handpicked circle of merchants who must have developed a taste for coffee IVs.

But wait, as every good merchant in Chekhov’s tales knows, ambition is a camel always seeking a larger saddle. Coinbase, secretly plotting in the back rooms, hints at bringing perpetual-style futures to U.S. shores, a regulatory pipe dream that no one yet dares speak aloud during daylight hours.

Bull Markets and Other Spectacles

To everyone’s polite astonishment, this new 24/7 trading circus opens just as digital assets are dancing a bullish waltz. Bitcoin, in a fit of upper-class aspirations, poked its head above $103,000, boosting its imaginary market value to $2.03 trillion. Why not announce yourself as emperor of the moon, too, while you’re at it?

Amazon, famous for subtly upending entire economies, now must tip its hat—Bitcoin has become the world’s fifth most valuable asset. To mark the occasion, over $1 billion in short positions were liquidated in 24 hours. Somewhere, a risk manager sobs into his spreadsheets.

Ethereum, ever the loyal middle child, joined the party, surging to $2,309.28. Market volumes danced higher, 12.55% up—coincidentally the same rate as Ethereum, as if the numbers themselves wished to avoid causing a family quarrel.💸

Large, mysterious institutions—possibly named after Roman gods or household cleaning products—poured in like guests late to a wedding, each hoping to catch the last piece of cake.

Coinbase, Ever the Attentive Suitor

Having grown bored with plain vanilla, Brian Armstrong’s band of brokers now prepares to tie the knot with Deribit for $2.9 billion—a sum large enough to buy Chekhov a whole new wardrobe of melancholy coats. The acquisition, if consummated, will allow Coinbase to offer more types of gambling with your digital tokens, all perfectly regulated, of course.

Meanwhile, the legal team, rather like those nervous townsfolk who always see the fire brigade before they smell smoke, has discovered that the U.S. SEC can’t decide if they’re regulating a market or just hosting a rather expensive existential debate. Evidently, what the SEC says in public and whispers in private about Ethereum and XRP is not quite the same—making everyone wonder if, in regulatory land, anyone actually knows what time it is.🕰️

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2025-05-09 22:23