You Won’t Believe These 32 Hilarious Jimmy Kimmel Jokes!

After gaining popularity as a co-host on Comedy Central’s shows like “Win Ben Stein’s Money” and “The Man Show” during the late 90s and early 2000s, Jimmy Kimmel transitioned from cable television to network TV, becoming the host of “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” in 2003. Over time, he has become one of the longest-serving late-night TV hosts, known for his witty monologues. Here are some of our favorite jokes from his extensive comedic repertoire.

“I Spend A Lot Of Time Online And, You Know What The Most Dangerous Neighborhood In The Country Is Right Now? The Comment Section On Every Webpage”

Jimmy Kimmel’s commentary echoes our collective sentiment, as he highlights a common behavior among internet users: they often resort to hurling the most brutal insults, regardless of the platform they are using.

“It’s Hard To Tell When It’s Halloween In Hollywood. We Have Crazy People Walking Around In Costumes Every Night Here”

People who have visited Hollywood Boulevard and witnessed hopeful actors portraying popular culture figures can attest to the truthfulness of Jimmy Kimmel’s statements. Moreover, his words suggest that Halloween could be an enjoyable time to be there as well.

“To Get Matt Damon To Deliver His Lines, They Put Peanut Butter In His Mouth To Make It Look Like He’s Talking”

On Jimmy Kimmel Live!, a well-known running gag is the friendly rivalry between Jimmy Kimmel and Matt Damon. This feud originated when Kimmel started concluding each episode with a humorous apology to Damon for not being able to feature him on the show due to time constraints. Since then, Kimmel has frequently made light of Damon in his monologues, like this instance where he humorously likens him to a canine actor.

“Netflix Is Cracking Down On Password Sharing. Their Plan Is To Limit Password Sharing Only To Family Members Who Live In Your Household… This Is Gonna Be A Huge Blow To Nick Cannon”

One common tactic among late-night hosts is merging unrelated yet relevant topics into a single joke. Jimmy Kimmel shows this skill here by referencing Nick Cannon’s numerous children, then tying it to Netflix’s password sharing rules, which could potentially cost the host of ‘Masked Singer’ millions of dollars.

“If You Told Me We Were Going To Last Longer Than Blockbuster, I Would Have Sooner Believed I Would Be Working At Blockbuster In 20 Years”

As a movie enthusiast reflecting on the 20th anniversary of “Jimmy Kimmel Live!”, I can’t help but marvel at the resilience of this talk show amidst the fall of Blockbuster, a video rental titan in its heyday. It’s almost surreal to hold the very same Blockbuster card that was my companion back when Jimmy first took the helm, and yet here we are, celebrating two decades of laughter and entertainment. The longevity of this show is truly something to behold, a testament to its enduring appeal in an ever-changing media landscape.

“Jimmy, A Big Chunk Of Your Audience Almost Left When I Walked Out”

Jimmy Kimmel isn’t the sole contemporary host on late-night TV, as Jimmy Fallon became part of the club back in 2009 when he replaced Conan O’Brien on Late Night. He later took over The Tonight Show in 2014. In a playful April Fool’s Day prank in 2022, these two Jimmys swapped shows for a night, and during his monologue, Fallon appeared via satellite to take jabs at Kimmel.

“Snow Disrupted The Winter Olympics. It’s Like Water Interrupting A Swim Meet. It Doesn’t Make Any Sense”

Is it just us, or does this sound a bit like a Steven Wright joke?

“This Is The Kind Of Thing We Used To Be Interested In Before We Had Instagram”

In one episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live!, the host brought up an interesting event happening that night, known as a “Supermoon.” This occurs when the Moon is at its closest point in its orbit around Earth. It’s fascinating to think that such celestial events might have garnered even more interest if social media hadn’t been invented.

“I’m Not Going To Lie: I Feel Like A Huge Chin Has Been Lifted Off Of My Shoulders”

In 2008, there were whispers that Jay Leno, about to retire from The Tonight Show, might switch networks from NBC to ABC. This speculation suggested that Jimmy Kimmel Live! would be shifted to a later broadcast time. However, as reported by Deadline, these rumors proved false, and Kimmel, in expressing his relief, also tossed in some good-natured banter at Leno’s expense.

“I Read The Other Day That… The Planet Is Facing A Shortage Of Sand… Which Means We’ll Soon Have Nothing To Stick Our Heads In”

As a devoted cinema-goer, I’ve always found it fascinating how legends often mirror real-life situations. For instance, there’s an old tale that suggests ostriches bury their heads in sand during frightening moments, which gave rise to the term for avoiding or ignoring a situation out of fear. Given the myriad challenges the world has faced since Jimmy Kimmel Live! first aired, this joke could have been timely at any point during the host’s tenure.

“I Want Something I Can Take Out Of The Envelope, Look At, Ask My Wife ‘Who Are These Kids?’ Never Figure It Out Between Us And Then Throw It In The Garbage”

Jimmy Kimmel has shared how he envisions the perfect holiday greeting card, as he’s been receiving numerous messages from friends over text rather than the conventional mail format.

“What A Night! No Slaps, No Mixed Up Envelopes, No Matt Damon”

Following my hosting of the 2023 Academy Awards, I took a moment to breathe a sigh of relief. Thankfully, this year’s show steered clear of any scandals that have plagued previous ceremonies, like the infamous slap heard around the world in 2017 when Will Smith struck Chris Rock or the mix-up between La La Land and Moonlight as Best Picture winners in 2017. Of course, I couldn’t resist taking a jab at my supposed longtime rival during the show.

“Was His Blood Type B Or Not B?”

Jimmy Kimmel playfully remarked, “It’s fitting that the second Briton to get the Covid-19 shot is a man named William Shakespeare – it seems the Bard of Avon has finally outlived his sonnets!

“We Call This ‘The Reverse DiCaprio'”

As a dedicated cinema enthusiast, I can’t help but notice the intriguing pattern in Leonardo DiCaprio’s romantic life – he often dates women who are younger than him significantly. This topic caught my attention when Jimmy Kimmel brought it up during his monologue, pointing out that Sam Asghari, Britney Spears’ husband at the time, was about a decade younger than him, making him still in his 20s while Leo was already 40.

“My Daughter, Jane, Refuses To Eat Anything. She’s Three Years Old. It’s Hollywood. She’s Concerned About Her Weight”

Jimmy Kimmel began his tale by sharing the strategy he used to persuade his daughter to finish her dinner. To do this, he hinted at throwing a plateful of chocolate chip cookies into their pool if she didn’t eat the main dish that evening – which happened to be risotto.

“I Made Fun Of O.J. A Thousand Times. He Hasn’t Tried To Kill Me Once”

On this specific evening, Jimmy Kimmel’s monologue centered heavily on the attempts of certain political figures to suppress him, due to his humor towards them on his program. Yet, Kimmel has the final chuckle as he likenes them to an individual not usually appreciative of a good joke.

“This Was The Highest Rated Super Bowl… Tubi Scored A Record 13.6 Million Viewers… Which Beat Their Previous Record By 13.6 Million Viewers”

On the evening following Super Bowl LIX, Jimmy Kimmel mentioned during his show that the game had been streamed on a complimentary streaming platform known as Tubi – an unusual number of viewers for this particular service.

“Coronavirus… As You Know, Was Started By Netflix To Get People To Watch More Of Their Television”

Prior to the general public adopting the term Covid-19 for the Coronavirus, Jimmy Kimmel joked about how the pandemic would lead people to use streaming services like Netflix more frequently due to advice to stay home for safety reasons.

“If You’re Gonna Believe That A Band Is The Dead Kennedys In Disguise, Wouldn’t You Assume That Band Was The Dead Kennedys, Or Is That Too Obvious?”

2021 saw a group of conspiracists, Q-Anon, propose a theory claiming that Keith Richards, guitarist for The Rolling Stones, was none other than the late John F. Kennedy Jr., who was believed to have perished earlier. During his stand-up routine, Jimmy Kimmel humorously suggested it would be more plausible for supposedly deceased family members of politicians to assume pseudonyms and join a punk rock band like the Dead Kennedys instead.

“That’s What’s Known As An Irish Bidet”

In the year 2022, during a series of broadcasted shows held in Brooklyn, New York, Jimmy Kimmel displayed a video featuring a Yankees player secretly pouring beer into his teammate’s trousers from behind. In an aptly chosen term, he then coined a fitting nickname for the act.

“It Turns Out The Only Bad Thing About Mother’s Day Is Having Children”

As a devoted cinema enthusiast, I can’t help but share an amusing anecdote Jimmy Kimmel once recounted. On a day dedicated to mothers, Mother’s Day, I found myself celebrating with my wife, Molly McNearny, and our then 22-month-old daughter, Jane. However, dining out together turned into quite the adventure, as our little one seemed determined to keep us on our toes, offering no respite for a peaceful meal.

“We Were Chugging Along And Then, All Of The Sudden, Out Of Nowhere, It Turned Into One Of Those Maury Povich Paternity Test Shows”

The night following his debut as host for the 2017 Academy Awards, Jimmy Kimmel began an episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live! by discussing a blunder that led to La La Land being mistakenly declared Best Picture instead of its true winner, Moonlight. It’s as if the producers of Damien Chazelle’s celebrated musical were in shock, learning they weren’t the victors after delivering their speeches, much like a guest on the Maury Povich Show being told “You are not the father.

“It Sounds To Me Like Maybe Julie Kukenberger Couldn’t Think Of A Fun Costume, So She Ruined It For Everyone”

In this context, Jimmy Kimmel shares an account of the Boston school district, where they chose to downplay Halloween celebrations under the leadership of their superintendent, Julie Kukenberger.

“The State Of California Said They Are Not Lifting The Mask Mandate… Until June 15th, Which Will Be Known As ‘Please Stop Screaming At The Assistant Manager Day'”

During the COVID-19 pandemic, mask requirements sparked heated debates in America, as humorously illustrated by Jimmy Kimmel in his commentary, where he humorously speculated about hypothetical conversations in public settings at that time.

“The IRS Currently Has 15,000 Employees Responsible For Handling More Than 240 Million Calls… The Current Wait Time To Speak With A Representative Is 27 Years”

Regardless of the call volume not being as astronomical as 240 million, it can still seem like an eternity before a representative addresses your crucial call, be it when attempting to connect with the IRS or a medical professional’s office.

“Stealing Puppies From The Amish? This Could Be The Crime Of The Century…. The 18th Century”

In February 2023, CNN revealed that an unidentified dog breeder living in an Amish community alleged that Congressman George Santos secretly paid him to buy multiple dogs using fake checks back in 2017. During his talk show, Jimmy Kimmel not only addressed the incident but also jokingly poked fun at the victim of the crime.

“It Just Now Occurred To Me, No One Has Clapped For Me In Months”

Following a significant break from “Jimmy Kimmel Live!”, the show’s host made a comeback to a thunderous standing ovation, a response he hadn’t experienced for quite some time, as he noted.

“You Give A Kid A Box Of Raisins Or An Apple, You Deserve The Black Eye You Get When They Throw It Back At You”

Wearing the Smokey Bear costume (not to be confused with Smokey the Bear), Jimmy Kimmel discusses a recent poll regarding the worst Halloween candies. Despite admitting that he enjoys certain options like Circus Peanuts or Candy Corn, he asserts that the most disappointing treat for trick-or-treaters is fruit.

“This Was The Hollywood Equivalent Of Your Drunk Uncle Starting A Fight, Ruining The Wedding, And Then Standing Up And Giving A Long Toast”

Jimmy Kimmel humorously compares a situation where Will Smith struck Chris Rock during the 2022 Oscars to an incident involving a playful spanking, alluding to the subsequent award Will Smith received for Best Actor later that night.

“Here’s How I Knew That We Were Really Back To Work: Our Parents Are Texting Us Notes About The Show Again”

In the first show following a five-month break due to the 2023 Writers Strike, Jimmy Kimmel shared that one of his staff writers had received a message from his mother asking him to avoid making the monologue overtly political. However, instead of heeding this advice, Kimmel continued with jokes centered around the most significant political news of the time.

“Very Rarely Does An Idea Literally Push The Envelope And This One Did”

After his fourth stint as the Oscars host in 2024, Jimmy Kimmel reminisced about a moment during the show where John Cena, sans costume, presented the Academy Award for Costume Design while merely wrapped in an over-sized envelope.

“We’re Gonna Do A Show Tomorrow, Too, If You Keep It Up”

In a speech during the era of Covid-19, comedian Jimmy Kimmel recognizes that recently, his audience has mostly been his staff who enjoy working overtime on Fridays. When they burst into extended cheers, this serves as his method to halt the disruption.

2025-02-28 19:39