You Won’t Believe What Happened to Shorts When Bitcoin Hit $101K! 😱📈

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Somewhere in the Disc’s metaphysical Wall Street, the gods of fortune were too busy squabbling over the rules to notice Bitcoin ambling up to that fabled $100,000 mark, brushing the lint off its virtual jacket and nonchalantly sauntering to a place no number had gone before: $101,000.

As often happens when something unthinkable becomes vaguely plausible, everything else joined in. Altcoins—those excitable, yappy little cousins of Bitcoin—started bouncing around like they’d sniffed too much Unregulated Optimism™. Amongst the motley crew, PEPE, SUI, and the delightfully aromatic FARTCOIN couldn’t resist the urge to stake their claim to fame.

A visual depiction of astonishment, confusion, and possibly indigestion.

Earlier today, CryptoPotato (not to be confused with CryptoCarrot, their starchier rival) confessed that BTC had nuzzled up to $99,700. Rumour has it, some very important people in very important suits were to convene in Switzerland for the ancient ritual known as Tariff Talks. Meanwhile, somewhere, Trump was possibly planning a spectacularly unpredictable announcement involving the UK, a large red button, or possibly both.

For a whole day, Bitcoin seemed to hover at the hallowed six-digit gates, like someone nervously eyeing the buffet before plunging into the vol-au-vents. Then, as though a toaster had finally popped somewhere in the universe, BTC rocketed up and beyond $101,000, setting a new record and possibly a new record for surprised day traders.

Lest we forget—only a month ago, Bitcoin was having the kind of existential crisis even philosophers would envy, bumbling about under $80,000 and occasionally plummeting below $75,000 during the not-so-cheerful Trade War Smörgåsbord.

Today, the realized cap has hit an all-time high, and, apparently, this particular joyride above $100,000 might even mean something different this time. Or it might not. The sages are currently checking their charts (and their medication).

Among the heavy-hitters of the day are VIRTUAL and PENGU, whose prices leapt by 36% and 33%. PEPE, SUI, and—yes—FARTCOIN followed with leaps of 20–25%, proving that in crypto, nothing says “serious financial instrument” quite like a coin named after jest or gastrointestinal distress.

Even Ethereum, brave little number two, worked up the nerve to smash through $2,000 for the first time in more than a month. If digital assets could sweat, ETH would need a towel.

The carnage among short sellers? $580 million in daily liquidations, with almost $500 million from shorts alone. 145,000 traders sent to the great Exchange in the Sky, where the only certainty is the uncertainty of their next margin call. 😬

Exhibit A: How to lose $500M in shorts (not the garment, but you probably shouldn’t wear those either).

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2025-05-08 21:02