You Won’t Believe What These Crypto Villains Did For 12 Years in Prison! 🚨

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The universe is a complicated, dangerous place, but not quite as dangerous as hiring Marvin the Paranoid Android as your financial advisor—or, as it turns out, picking up the phone to talk to Raymondip Bedi and Patrick Mavanga. These two brilliantly misguided Londoners apparently read too much Vogon poetry and decided to try their own hand at causing misery, to the tune of £1.54 million (roughly $2.1 million, or if you’re a Betelgeusian, four large tentacle-waggle units).

Now starring as Prisoner #120568 and #120569, Bedi and Mavanga have been awarded an all-inclusive stay with His Majesty for a combined 12 years. Their crime? Running a fake crypto scheme between February 2017 and June 2019, or as their lawyer called it, “a misguided attempt at postmodern performance art.”

FCA Uncovers Massive Fake Crypto Platform (Because Apparently, The Guide Isn’t Enough)

Guided by an ancient Earth custom called “cold-calling,” the pair directed unwitting humans to a website that looked as legitimate as a towel at a Douglas Adams book signing. Promises abounded, mostly of the “don’t panic, profits are imminent!” variety. Unfortunately, the profits traveled south for the winter and forgot to return, like Dentrassi waiters after closing time. 📈🦄

The victims were shown all sorts of impressive graphs, none of which belonged to any known branch of mathematics or—crucially—reality. In fact, the only thing that increased was the balance of Bedi and Mavanga’s personal bank accounts.

Raymondip Bedi and Patrick Mavanga have now achieved infamy by swiping at least 65 Earthlings’ investments, presumably after reading “101 Ways to Annoy the Galaxy (And Get 12 Years At Her Majesty’s Leisure).”

Read more #HitchhikeYourFundsAway #MostlyHarmlessFraud #CryptoShenanigans

— Financial Conduct Authority (@TheFCA) July 4, 2025

Victims Tempted by The Improbability Drive of Returns 🚀

True to human nature, 65 individuals thought they could double or triple their money, which is right up there with “flying by throwing themselves at the ground and missing.” Instead, they landed neatly in the net of shell companies operated with all the subtlety of Zaphod Beeblebrox’s ego.

Bedi confessed in May 2023, perhaps out of boredom, perhaps because his lawyer offered him a cup of real tea. Mavanga, not to be outdone, pleaded guilty a month later—not only for fraud and money laundering, but for having a collection of false IDs, including one claiming he was Ford Prefect.

During the trial (no towels allowed), it emerged that the duo had cold-called investors with relentless enthusiasm, which is rare, since no one likes using their phone for actual calls anymore. Some lost as little as £5,000—a bargain for a masterclass in human gullibility; others donated up to £200,000 to the “Teach Two Londoners About Consequences” fund.

All were guaranteed 10% returns every month—an achievement hitherto restricted to fantasy novels and early 2000s PowerPoint slides. Still, reality, like the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, ignored them completely.

FCA’s Steve Smart claims the sentences prove crime doesn’t pay. One suspects the criminals are discovering a new form of currency: time.

Advice From Someone Who Reads The Guide

Your phone rings. “Hello! Would you like to earn ridiculous amounts of money with literally zero risk?” Unless your caller ID says ‘Slartibartfast’, hang up and check the FCA register—a list only slightly less interesting than your sock drawer, but infinitely more useful.

If something sounds too good to be true, it almost always is. In fact, it usually owes you an apology.

The Galaxy’s Quick Guide to Not Being a Crypto Mug

  • Verify, verify again, and then ask a passing Betelgeusian if they’ve heard of these ‘investment opportunities’.
  • Never rush into deals—unless, of course, the planet is about to be demolished for a hyperspace bypass.
  • And above all, always know where your towel—and your money—are.

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2025-07-09 02:15