You Won’t Believe Who Just Gobbled Up Half a Billion in ETH! 🤑

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There are whales, and then there’s Abraxas Capital—a behemoth whose trunk, or perhaps cybernetic appendage, swished through the digital deep, scooping up Ethereum like rare butterflies and impaling them with jewel-headed pins. All this whilst the world, goggles pressed to the glass, gawked at crypto’s latest fever-dream rally.

On the thirteenth—ah, May’s very own ides—Lookonchain, ever the spectral voyeur, spied a fresh binge: 33,482 ETH, neatly parcelled and hastily gobbled, worth a sprightly $84.7 million. Such gluttony, dear reader, would make even Midas blush (or send his accountant into a fit of the vapors).

Abraxas, like a jackdaw on payday, made its forays in several tidy sprints, the most brazen netting twelve-point-one-eight million dollars’ worth in a single deft flick. If only my morning coffee order were executed with such vigor. 🍵

Meanwhile, Ethereum, long consigned to play Eeyore to Bitcoin’s Tigger, twirled past its older sibling in the weekly waltz of gains. The whole performance was less ‘leisurely moonwalk’ and more ‘swan dive into a pool of speculative money.’

What provoked this paroxysm of price? Some point to Abraxas’ marathon feast; others to the wretched optimism of humans in green zones. Retail and institutional investors banded together, fueled by FOMO and just a soupçon of audacity.

Ethereum up by 48.73% (Insert Obligatory Wide-Eyed Emoji)

Abraxas, now hoarding some 211,030 ETH ($477.6 million, not that anyone is counting), stands accused—in the most affectionate sense—of having puffed Ethereum’s rally with all the hot air that only institutional money can provide. Come the day when the Oxford English Dictionary adds ‘mega-whale’ to its lexicon, they shall be the definition.

The crypto cognoscenti flutter and squawk over this spectacle, no doubt dreaming of bullish market romps and the warm glow of rising portfolios. Abraxas sits atop its mountainous horde, serenely unbothered by plebeian concerns such as “volatility,” “fundamentals,” or “should I have sold at $2,657?”

So, as Ethereum sashays its way upwards—occasionally moonwalking, sometimes stumbling—its true believers remain steadfast. Why sell? After all, as every Nabokovian child knows: the real thrill is neither in the catch, nor in the chase—but in the marvelously unhinged telling of it. 🦑

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2025-05-14 00:37