You’ll Never Guess Who’s Throwing $100M at Startups—Hint: It’s Not Your Grandmother

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Somewhere beyond the din of Moscow taverns and the persistent ticking of an old clock, the Pi Foundation—certainly a crowd with more ambition than Ivan Ivanovich at a provincial wedding—has decided to shower $100 million (and for reasons known only to the heavens, some number of Pi tokens) on ventures, startups, and anyone who can convincingly describe what a “real-world use case” actually looks like.

Ah, dear readers, Pi Network Ventures has been officially inaugurated—a $100 million escapade, in Pi and the almighty greenbacks, to fuel startups hungering for something to do with this mysterious cryptocurrency. You are cordially invited to squint at your Pi mining app for more details, assuming you still remember your password.

If you are a startup founder, this is your moment. Parades and caviar not included.

— Pi Network (@PiCoreTeam) May 14, 2025

It appears these benefactors wish to transform Pi from a mere digital trinket (held by masses more bewildered than a Russian student at his first poetry reading) into something one could possibly use outside of theoretical economics classes. Do you sell cabbage? Run a goat rental service? Perhaps Pi could be yours.

The source of this extravagant generosity is, it seems, precisely one-tenth of all Pi tokens (set aside by the Pi Foundation, that eternal and mysterious entity that survives on hope, spreadsheets, and the resignation of former MBA students). The timing is exquisite: just after the “Open Network” phase—surely a moment as grand as opening a freshly corked bottle of vodka—giving outsiders a chance to connect, speculate, and ask awkward questions.

For those collecting goals like a landowner accumulates birch trees, here’s the grand design:

  • Boost Pi Utility: Find enterprising souls who might use Pi for something practical—ideally more useful than a fur hat in June.
  • Lure Production to Pi Network: Persuade businesses to build, create, or pretend to create something on the Pi Network. Vodka distilleries need not apply. (Or perhaps they should?)
  • Convince Your Aunt Pi Is Useful: Fund ventures that demonstrate Pi has a place in daily life, as opposed to only the dreams of software engineers and itinerant philosophers.

Supposedly, all this will bring forth a thriving “feedback loop of innovation,” a phrase so modern it could give Tolstoy a headache. Young founders and anxious businesspeople will get money and advice (but, alas, no guarantees of immortality).

Of course, there are always two tracks in life: the one where others get rich, and the one where you watch. While Pi Network Ventures selects “high-potential” startups, the other half of this noble experiment relies on the community—pile everyone into “hackathons” and see what comes out. Will this make Pi the ruble of tomorrow, or merely tomorrow’s trivia question? Only time, and perhaps a samovar or two, can tell. 🚀🪙

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2025-05-14 22:21